Newbie: going to try Ghandi method

[marie2235]

Antonia,

I know what you mean about not being able tto shut the love off. I can't, either. No matter how much he keeps hurting me, I still want to keep trying. But I am the only one who does. I found out he took our tax refund money, lied about it and hid it away in his "secret" account I am not supossed to know about. I had the proof in my hand, and still he sat there and said, no I didn't. Then he finally admitted it and I asked why he lied and he said it was for his "divorce fund" I know it was really to spend with the 20 year old kid. I asked how he could live with himself, doesnt he feel guilty at all? He said I just don't care anymore. I don't care about you. I don't care if I hurt you.

I can't give up on him..but how do you know when to give up? When there really is not hope? I keep thinking to myself, but in the books, it says that there have been a lot of people in tihs position that have come back to have happy marragies. How do you know? Deep down, I think I know there is no chance. But there is always that little bit of hope. He said he hasnt left only becuase he can't afford to, but if a man was really and truly done, woudlnt' he just leave anyway?

I just keep thiking why can't he SEE..

He has a lot of resentment about things that happened in our marraige in the past. I know that is the problem. He will not let go. He is like a immature 2 year old, sitting in the corner, covering his ears and saying, I dont care, I wont listen. We did both say and do things that hurt each other. Difference is, I forgave him and moved on from it. He is stil holding a grudge. And this involved another - kid - not as young as this one, and not an affair, just a totally inappropriate relationship. Pretty much an EA, but not intense. Back then, I made him sleep on the couch until it stopped and I could trust him again. It was a couple years. And he cant get over it, never mind he is the one that caused it in the first place.

Alan - I have been trying to take your advice, as much as I can. I already exposed to both our families back in January. People he works with knew before I did. But, I went on Facebook and called him - adn her - out by name. I do have a picture of them together, that she was stupid enough to post on FB, that I think I will repost. I am tying to emabarass him - shame him into stopping. but, if he really doesn't care what people think..

I do think this is in part a mid life crisis. I know he is an addict - so accurate. To HER and to LYING.

I don't get it - I was a stay at home mom, which we decided befoer we even got married, but I was working very PT to keep my foot in the door, until this all came out,he complained that I wasn't working FT, so now I am and he is complaining that I am working, so he can't work his PT job, becuase he has to watch the kids. (he has a FT job, and then a PT one - the PT one he likes)

And, he refuses to go to counseling, becuase there is nothing wrong with him and he isn't having someone tell him how to live his life. When his mother tried to say something to him about what he is doing, he told her to mind her own business.

I don't know how to give up and move on. I think, what if I do give up..maybe he would have snapped out of it and we didn't have to ruin our childrens life's as they know it.

Sorry..I am still so confused.

Good luck, Antonia. You seem like a very strong woman.