MLC - standing by my man

[cat04]

Mila,

You are in a unique situation considering that you operate a business with your H.

I do agree that you should do your best to separate those matters, which IMO, is exactly what you appear to be trying to do.

I understand that it must be very difficult to not pick up his slack because you want the business to succeed, actually you need it to be successful for your own financial future. Is there a way that you could begin to look for a job somewhere and leave the business to him to make or break?

It might do you both a world of good...

As far as filing for D, please don't ring a bell that can't be unrung. Unless you are really ready to do so. Why should you help him along with something that you don't want?

Mila, there are plenty of ways to set boundaries and move forward with your life that do not include filing for a D. Even if the possibility of remarriage does exist.

If the time comes for you to do that, you will know it and you will be able to be comfortable in that decision.


Have a great holiday!

(((hugs)))

[Truegritter]

When I'm able to do that, that will free me...when I have no expectations whatsoever and won't let anything he does hurt me.

Yes that is the next step Mila.

Also BOUNDARIES.

IMO it looks like you might need them to protect YOU from his selfish behavior.

The “letting go” Gucci talks about isn’t about your emotional reactions to him and your desire to reconcile. It is about showing him with your ACTIONS that you are moving on. Gucci emphasizes that you can feel like holding on for dear life and and still let go with your behavior. You do that by affirming that it his choice (however stupid) to be with someone else. The ‘letting go’ is showing him that he can have anybody he wants, but he can’t have you too and you are not waiting to be his back-up plan.

IMO this is no different than what you have been told here and what we all try to live.

This is a PROCESS. When you ACT as if (you are moving on) that is a tool in the process of detaching.

The REAL change that has to happen, which is when you do finally LET GO, is the goal. It is when it is no longer a tool or tactic but is your own truth.

That is LOVING DETACHMENT.

If you do step 1 (acting as if letting go)

AND NOT step 2 (letting go with love)

You will carry the resentment forward.

Mila only you can decide when it is time to make it to step two. IMO only the LBS can make that choice and most importantly

WHEN.

It is through living this that we learn and grow.

We are here to support (help lift you up when you have these bad days)

And GUIDE (help you to see when you may need to take a step forward)

Nudge you, if you will, down the path.

Dudess I do belive we are preaching the same sermon but from different hymnals.

In the end, the LBS has to come to their own decisions and on their own time through experience.

That is what I believe and have learned through my own experience.

Until the LBS comes to their truth, all the ACTING in the world will be for naught.

And all they really have accomplished is a performance maybe worthy of an Oscar.

That is just my opinion...

[gardengirl72]

TG,

Thank you for this:

It is through living this that we learn and grow.

We are here to support (help lift you up when you have these bad days)

And GUIDE (help you to see when you may need to take a step forward)

Nudge you, if you will, down the path.

When I almost succumb to my FEELINGS instead of doing what I know would work, I log on and start reading posts and feel my strength start to come back. Most days I know what I have decided to do is right (no doubts/sick feelings), but, on those other days, it's great to read posts and feel reassured.

Sorry Mila to hi-jack. I have been following along with you and can relate. I, too, am in my 50's and had a husband very similar to yours. It is so hard to understand how someone can go from being so in love with you and says over and over 'you are my best friend' to.....I can't 'do this anymore'

It helped when my MIL recently told me after she talked to him, 'he's CRAZY, I MEAN REALLY CRAZY!!' .....I KNOW this is NOT the loving man I married, but, have come to realize I cannot bring 'MY' husband back.

Mila, I think you are a very strong woman and your strength has helped me.

Thank you to ALL of you who give of your time to help us....I am forever grateful.....gg

[courageous wife]

Hey Mila! Kust checking in...

How are you doing? Hope you are having a good weekend!

[goodattitudegirl]

When I'm able to do that, that will free me...when I have no expectations whatsoever and won't let anything he does hurt me.

Yes that is the next step Mila.

Today I accidentally came across a box of things I'd saved from my courtship and M to XH. One card he gave me early on had this quote from Mother Teresa that beautifully restates what you both said above:

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love".

XH and I spent 4 1/2 hours together kayaking today. One year ago he was having a cookout with his new GF and her children on July 4th. He repeatedly turned down any invitation I made then, but a lot can change in one year. Keep moving forward, Mila.

I don't see how your H and OW can possibly sustain their current pace. When they crash and burn it will teach your H important lessons. My XH was giddy about dating the above-mentioned GF after we signed our D agreement (6 months before our D became final) but his new GF dumped him a few months later and wrote him a 3 page e-mail telling him everything that she perceived was wrong with him. Things are not always as they appear to be.

GAG

[flowmom]

Mila, I admit that I only intermittently follow your thread . You are getting some very interesting POVs here.

What I advise is that you start making a list of all the changes that you would make and boundaries that you would enforce if you were divorced and accepting the situation...and start doing them NOW. It sounds like you're taking steps in that direction, but I suggest that you make a serious game plan for yourself at this point.

I am so glad to read that you have a plan for getting out of the joint business. Be creative and stop picking up your H's slack in the business. Tell him that you are only willing to work X hours per week and if he is not willing to work X hours per week then you would like to discuss consequence Y (him having to pay the salary of another person, him getting a lower percentage of profits, immediate sale of business, whatever threat you could follow through on). If I am understanding correctly you are doing extra work so that your H can play around with OW? Do you think that your H respects you for that?

I have found that acting "as if" I am ready for the next stage is helping me to get there. It's also helped me maintain my sense of dignity.

(((hugs)))

[Truegritter]

I have found that acting "as if" I am ready for the next stage is helping me to get there. It's also helped me maintain my sense of dignity.

I like this^^^^

It is the tools that we talk about.

As long as you have expectaions for H you are still standing for him and not for YOU.

Have expectations for YOU.

When you stand for YOU then no one has control over your dignity.

When someone questions (as you have done through this process) why you would stand in your M.

Calls you a doormat...

You can STAND in the knowledge of your own truth.

You are only a doormat if you believe yourself to be a doormat.

You are only what others suggest you are if you believe it.

When you KNOW who you are no one has control over you.

Then you are free.

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love".

This is so powerful when you look at it.

Think about this.

Would you ever have gained the wisdom and the knowledge if you had not decided to take this, the tougher road?

When you are locked in the struggle, the fight...

To go through this is to experience love, the best and most pure kind, that which survives all adversity.

That which defines who YOU are.

Mila I promise you, you are on the precipice of this discovery, you have fought hard, keep pushing,

...keep stepping forward.

I saw a quote on someone's sig:

"When you go through Hell, keep going." Winston Churchill.

[goodattitudegirl]

Would you ever have gained the wisdom and the knowledge if you had not decided to take this, the tougher road?

When you are locked in the struggle, the fight...

To go through this is to experience love, the best and most pure kind, that which survives all adversity.

That which defines who YOU are.

Mila I promise you, you are on the precipice of this discovery, you have fought hard, keep pushing,

...keep stepping forward.

Mila, when I was developing my plan for moving forward without XH while keeping the door open a crack I went through a difficult emotional time. The song Defying Gravity from Wicked became my anthem. I listened to it whenever I needed encouragement: www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dBW4pViRTU.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!


GAG

[Mila]

Twink, Dudess, Cat, TG, Garden Girl, CW, GAG & Flow, - Thank you so much for your input...very much appreciated...it really helps to see this crappy situation from different angles.
Twink -

I think your H does some of the things he does because he can. For instance, giving you the receipts for his activities with OW is beyond disrespectful

Right you are Twink...and it just keeps getting better..just before he left for his "European Vacation" with OW, H gave me his receipts again (business & personal)...this time I got in his personal expenses a receipt for condoms....how cruel is that. I'm just shaking my head....why not buy it cash? why use debit and give me the receipt? Makes me wonder if he is doing it on purpose...but what purpose?

This man...who ever he is...is absolutely shameless...could the fog be that thick? I have to tell him to open his own account for personal expenses...I don't need to know how many condoms they go through.

Surprisingly I'm less and less affected by his crap...and that feels great

Dudess -

What do you make of the fact that he hasn’t filed for divorce?

Not sure...could be because of business...he needs me here when he is not, to take care of things...he wouldn't be able to just take off for weeks at the time if someone wasn't holding the fort...As you know I'm working on separating from it eventually. On the other hand he may not be filing because he is just incapable of thinking rationally and it's too much work to get that organized...we will see what happens when OW starts putting pressure on him.

I'm not ready to file myself...maybe I'll be in the future, who knows...right now I'm only ready for a Separation agreement and to work on getting myself financially independent of him.

Cat -

there are plenty of ways to set boundaries and move forward with your life that do not include filing for a D. Even if the possibility of remarriage does exist

That's the way I'm thinking right now

TG -

The REAL change that has to happen, which is when you do finally LET GO, is the goal. It is when it is no longer a tool or tactic but is your own truth

I feel that I have made some real progress towards this in the past few weeks...I'm on the right track anyway.

Mila I promise you, you are on the precipice of this discovery, you have fought hard, keep pushing

I will TG...thank you so much for your encouragement (((hug)))

Gardengirl - thanks for posting,

I, too, am in my 50's and had a husband very similar to yours. It is so hard to understand how someone can go from being so in love with you and says over and over 'you are my best friend' to.....I can't 'do this anymore'

yes I can certainly relate

CW - thanks for checking on me...I had a great weekend...Thursday - went to a Fair with a friend and then went out for dinner with her. Friday tennis in the morning, lunch with a friend, stables with D and a quiet evening at home. Saturday - Tennis in the morning, coffee with my friend, shopping for a gift for my mom...Sunday...more tennis and then a friend came over, baked some muffins and had a nice latte sitting in the garden and chatting. Family movies in the evening....I'm GALing so much that I have to slow down and concentrate more on work and the work needed around the house LOL

GAG -

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love".

Very profound ...thank you for that GAG

Thanks so much for the lyrics....wow how fitting...love you GAG (((hug)))

So happy for you how things are going with you XH you are a great lady and it looks like your XH is starting to see that again

Flow - thanks for stopping by, you are right...It's time for me to stand up for myself...have to set more boundaries...Going to work on setting personal budgets for each of us and let him deal with his own living expenses....in the mean time continuing working on ways to separate from business.

I have found that acting "as if" I am ready for the next stage is helping me to get there. It's also helped me maintain my sense of dignity

that's the way to go

[ericmsant2]

Mila -

You sound so strong. FWI - I am proud of you girl. You keep going. Your life is your to define. To make of it what YOU want. Keep living...keep feeling...keep moving forward.

One day, I have no doubt that you will look back on this and realize so much about you, about life.

God Bless you
Eric