So sorry to be away--I have a big project with the Opera House, and Dad is visiting--we're getting the bathroom painted at last.
But on to you, my friend:
A) You are NOT the only person to get anxious during vacation. I bet all of us here--those who went the screaming anxiety route--avoided being alone, without work or a pressing project to do--for months. I know I did. I was totally terrified to have time off without stuff to do. So I did a lot of stuff! Don't ask me now what it was. So take the Xanax so you can make space to breathe, feel any pain, ache or sorrow that comes up, and keep going. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this part of the process, it sucks. But if your doc will keep you supplied with the Xanax, keep working at the down time. The gym helps a lot.
B) Fabo on the new laptop! If you don't get sucked into feeling safe only with virtual interactions, you can spend good time on dating sites, or chat rooms, or whatever--build up your confidence with online chatting and joking. Go to Meetup.com to find a group that you can join. Group things require less confidence that a one on one date. (Dating! Bleh
C) X and joint bank account: I hope you can close that out ASAP. Totally wrong for him to not deposit, and to take $ out. I would make sure your L knew all the details. Re: X not responding: a small chance that your email didn't go through, right? So send another one (copied to your L) and ask again. Don't be a "sap" and trust. And it won't look like you are persuing or being a b***ch--you are standing up for your rights and your boundaries.
D) I think your GAL-ing was great! Family time, SHOPPING! gym, houses, --all great things. Spending time messing around with a transition object is great, but I to do all the things you are doing first, before I could be so daring and silly.
E) If /when $ allows you to get to NYC, let me know. My sis lives there. No reason we couldn't meet up, right? NYC is sooo expensive to spend even a few days, I know. If you can get to NYC, you could get to VT, too. I know it's not nearly as glamorous, but it's cheaper and you would have a place to stay.
Oh, I hope this doesn't come across as some big lecture from Ms. Know it All Divorce Survivor. Hardly! I just so empathize with the anxiety, and am so angry for you that X is doing mean things like bank accounts, dogs, and not returning emails.
And yes, the sorrow and ache when you realize you haven't seen or spoken in such a long time. Wondering how this could possibly be so. And somehow, it is. It is so, and the ache aches, and we just have to somehow keep going.
Sending you love and soothing anti-anxiety thoughts.
Holiday weekends are hard, I hope you have some GAL--I will be checking for good updates!
