Yep, I'm putting my big girl panties on and getting ready for life after divorce.
Today is marks the six month anniversary since STBXH separated from my children and I after giving me two days' notice.
Since moving out, STBXH's actions have been totally consistent with a man who is intent on divorce while maintaining a decent coparenting relationship with me. There has been zero indication of confusion, second thoughts, or missing me or our married life.
I have accepted that he wants to divorce and I intend to act as if that is inevitable. I wish that reconciliation was possible, but I don't believe that it is because even if STBXH had doubts, I don't think that he would be capable of doing the work necessary to make this marriage work.
I am lucky that STBXH has been a good father throughout, and has continued to support me financially, for the time being. I have had a wonderful support system IRL and here on the forum. I don't know where I would be now without it.
The D ball is rolling and we've agreed to do the first step which is the coparenting plan. I've picked an excellent psychologist and I hope that STBXH agrees that she will be a good person to help us.
I am still grieving our M. STBXH is the love of my life, and he is still the only man that I am attracted to. Even harder to accept is the loss of our life as a family...it is very hard to accept that our children will not grow up in the intact happy family that they deserve.
1992 - became long-distance lovers (not monogamous)
1994 - started monogamous R in same city
1995 - moved in together
1998 - STBXH had a brief affair during a difficult period when I was depressed...it caused a R crisis but we reconciled and moved on
after marriage:
2000 - married
2003 - had baby and started down the challenging road of dealing with a special needs son
2004 - STBXH started withdrawing and became depressed to varying degrees
2006 - had second baby
Dec 2008-May 2009 - MC, ended in "impasse" with STBXH not shifting
Jul 2009 - STBXH turned 40
Aug 2009 - last sex in M
fall 2009 - multiple crises, STBXH really withdrawn and expressing rage
post-bomb:
Dec 22, 2009 - STBXH revealed the depth of his hopelessness about our M, said 80% of his unhappiness was due to the conflict in our M, said that he had done a lot of research on how parental conflict affects children and had convinced himself that our level of conflict was damaging our children...repeatedly stated that he had no plans or solutions for the situation...STBXH was dealing with extreme insomnia and a lot of anxiety symptoms (nervous breakdown?)
Dec 28, 2009 - STBXH was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression (but ended up discontinuing meds after 4 days), first mentioned trial separation but agreed to wait for a month for his state of mind to stabilize
post separation:
Jan 3, 2010 - SEPARATION: STBXH moved out and rented 2 BR apartment saying it was a "trial" separation
Jan 9, 2010 - last relationship conversation: STBXH said he had no motivation to work on our M (lots of fight-or-flight body language) but that he hadn't "closed the door" to reconciliation...promised to keep me updated on any changes in his status
Jan 11, 2010 - first DB coaching session
Mar 2, 2010 - overheard STBXH referring to me as his "ex"
Jun 23, 2010 - STBXH first emailed regarding finalizing financials (indirectly asking for legal separation agreement)
--- priorities:
tracking expenses and figuring out post-D budget under various scenarios
seeking out earning opportunities within my profession
getting professional help with chronic procrastination issues (not much improvement in that area so far )
working on separation agreement information gathering and paperwork
letting STBXH's accountability for our marriage breakdown sink in emotionally (not just intellectually)
babystepping into a fitness routine
planning and executing fun stuff with children (camping, social gatherings, activities)
trying new interventions for S6, and possibly starting art therapy for D4
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Yes bravo, FM. I am glad to see you starting a new thread and to see your to do list you're planning on working on. I know you're still grieving- it would be strange if you weren't. You're allowed to feel the grief and *still* work on steps towards a new, different life- though it was not what you chose, I know you have the power to make it a good life for you and your kids. And it WILL be good- they'll look to you for guidance and you will pull them and yourself through this to a different place with new - and possibly even happier- opportunities and experiences that seem unimaginable right now.
((((FM))))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I keep resisting putting on "big girl panties" because I picture some huge, white, waisties. Do big girl panties come in a tanga style with lace?
LOL
Let's agree that big girl panties can be sassy
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
haha! To me, "big girl panties" means vava voom panties! No more cotton briefs with flowers...time for the fancy sexy CONFIDENT underwear!
As for your list of priorities, it looks awesome! I just vote for figuring out the fun stuff this summer first, and then tackle the paperwork. All of us on here need some F -U- N!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks for the kind words . Looks like I really have to get the fitness routine going!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Looks like I really have to get the fitness routine going!
Ahem..., just do it. Stop procrastinating
Today this was my excercise:
6:30-7:15 AM -- Walked two crazy dogs 2+ miles. (1st shower) 9:00 AM 15 minutes, light weights. (had to run errands until 11AM) 1PM-4PM: Yard work. No riding lawnmower. Reg mower used to mow more than 1/2 acre, edging weed eating, etc. (2nd shower).
You just have to do something every single day.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/03/1011:22 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
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. Looks like I really have to get the fitness routine going! 