How I feel your pain! I'm the LBS of a bio-chem PhD, a University Prof whom I allowed to work as much as he needed - often 80 hours a week for 20+ years - to help him reach his goals. I put him through grad school, waited 11 years to have kids, did 95% of the parenting...and once the end was in sight, what'd I get for my 22 years of faithful teamwork? Shoved off the summit in favor of a younger woman! A conniving little grad student who's using my MLC WH to advance her career. The only one who hasn't figured that out yet is WH.
Anyway, in reading through your post about entitlement, etc., here's what I can tell you about the doctor wives I've socialized with at the various university hospitals where WH has done (prostate cancer) research. This is something I've experienced first hand at three different hospitals in three different states, and it might give you some insight into what's going through your wife's head.
*The only 3 nice MD wives I've met in 20+ years were an accountant, a computer programmer, and another MD. Nurses and PA's who marry doctors have TONS of status and stay in their own little cliques, spending lots of time and (their husband's) money trying to keep up with each other. (Any other WAW's in your wife's group?)
*There is a status hierarchy among specialties, with surgeons' wives at the top and GP wives at the bottom. You taking a GP job would seriously impact her status.
*She wants you to continue to fund her lifestyle for as long as possible from as far a distance as possible - the stay-at-home WAW's version of cake walking, husband's money + OM. Hit her where it hurts, in her lifestyle.
*She's being a brat about the kids right now because you want them. It's just spite, through and through. I'm not saying she doesn't love them, but if one of her chief complaints was because you were always working while she did all the child care, then you splitting custody would give her more time to herself. That she's refusing to see that shows how far out of it she is.
I know it's hard to understand behavior that's completely incomprehensible, but this might give you some insight into where she's coming from. I know how hard it is to be a single parent in a marriage because your husband is working all kinds of crazy hours - I've done it. But getting to the end AND then walking away? Not so much. Why give blood if you're just going to poor it down the drain?
wow.. is all I can say. you and I need to talk more.
so... I can feel your pain too. although my hard work was 10 years... with the light at the end of the tunnel, finally about to live life and then she bolts. but man I really don't like your husband. at all.
that is amazing that you have only met 3 nice wives in 20 years. I'm beginning to believe that may be true. Looking back I realize that my wife was not and has never been...nice.
when we were in my cardiac training two years ago she became close friends with a group of women who I believe were all WAW's-- one was from a cardiologist. they were re-living their youths, dating younger men, working out, going out, partying, and having a grand time. here I was thinking "how great that she found some friends". duh.
You hit the nail on the head that she wants me to fund her lifestyle and stay the F away. she's basically been cut off for some time now-- at first she had full access to my account.. then to the joint... now only what I give her. she would use the overdraw protection on the joint all the time... that had to stop. my lawyer said to continue to pay the requisite child support so I don't look like a total bad guy.
she does not want to let me have the kids because she jumped off the cliff, destroyed everything-- and the town where she lives I believe knows what she did. leaving me is not big deal. but keeping those boys away from their dad-- for only one clear reason.. people have figured that out. as reality has hit her in the last few months I believe she clings to them now as the only good thing about her identity. I think without them she is reminded of all of the lies, the deceit, the damage she has done. plus they fill her emotional needs to be loved and to love something.
I don't understand it either, except I believe she felt that she would be entitled to my money for being there that whole time for me once I was finished. I think she was planning an escape for some time.
her mother left her father for another man when she was 19. her father was away for much of her childhood and her mother essentially raised her and her sister alone...
Just kidding, bradley, but thanks for being willing!
I think it would be pursuing to have a fellow DBer talk to H about why family is more important than work or toys. I tried to suggest that to him occasionally over the years, but I'm not sure he ever really got it. He did pretty well while Ds were home; when it was just us, not so much. Maybe that was just his way of easing out of our R, who knows. I do know his lack of attention to our R only made the relatively minor issues we had worse.
Oh, well, we are where we are, and I'm moving forward! Have a great 4th, bradley!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
what if she wants to keep the boys because she loves them and has done almost all of the child care
what if she believes you left her alone a long time ago and the only difference now is that she physically left instead of being emotionally and physical left herself
there is balance in all things
instead of demanding what you want hows about trying to come to an agreement together
I am in no way suggesting what she did was right but you cannot control her actions the only person you can control is you
it does not have to be black and white always there is room for many shades of gray
what is best for your boys is to believe and know in their hearts that both their mommy and their daddy love them
they do not need to love mommy OR daddy
is she dangerous for them to be with does she do drugs have wild sex parties in front of them leave them alone for vast amounts of time
or does she love them
like you love them
an all or nothing ending when you have children is never good
bradley you seem like a good guy who is somehow incredibly wrapped up in what he does for a living
do you define your work or does your work define you do you define your relationships or do they define you
Cori is in the police academy right now and he is gone at 5:30am and not home until after supper most nights...he works every weekend but i never feel alone
he is amazing that way
he defines his job his job does not define him
my parents have been blissfully, sickeningly happy and together for 35 years...they have weathered unemployment, the death of a baby, me and my two brothers!!! My mom told me that being in love was hard work that their were and are choices you make everyday that will determine courses of events...you decide...you choose...you are a partner not an island
i didn't listen to her until I was all grown up and after several poor choices in life partners
my parents define their relationship...they are not defined by it
that is why people ask who Bradley is are you the soon to be ex of blah blah blah are you a cardiac blah blah blah or are you Bradley who happens to have been married to so and so and who is a cardiac so and so
bradley you seem like a good guy who is somehow incredibly wrapped up in what he does for a living
do you define your work or does your work define you do you define your relationships or do they define you
are you Bradley who happens to have been married to so and so and who is a cardiac so and so
Figgeroni -
MDs, lawyers, PhDs, entrepreneurs - there are some fields that are VERY demanding, VERY competitive and not for the faint of heart. There is no such thing as 9-5 in these industries, only 24/7. You have to be tough and tenacious to succeed and you need a partner who understands that. It's tough. But it can be very rewarding.
The amount of time required for med school and residency would not have been a mystery to a nurse. She knew what she was getting into, even if she didn't like it once she got there. EVERY doctor's wife I know complains about how much they work.
The only one I know who doesn't happens to be married to the team doctor for a Big 8 University football team (he's also in Internal medicine M-F); he takes her and their kids with him (all expenses paid) to all the bowl games the team plays in every year. They've been to Hawaii, Florida, California, etc. But my friend is a real trooper, a total exception. While her husband was seeing to players before a bowl game in FL, she took all 4 kids - ages 1-7 at the time - to Disney World BY HERSELF. I called her insane. She called it fun. It's all in the perception.
To have what others don't (a satisfying career in a competitive field), you have to do what others won't (lose sleep, not see each other for days on end). I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that's the way it is...
when we were in my cardiac training two years ago she became close friends with a group of women who I believe were all WAW's-- one was from a cardiologist. they were re-living their youths, dating younger men, working out, going out, partying, and having a grand time. here I was thinking "how great that she found some friends". duh.
This is probably why you are where you are today, more than the long hours and other stuff. It's the group mentality thing, and it can be VERY destructive. She listened to all these women kvetch about their husbands, and in the spirit of "keeping up with the Joneses" that's so prevalent among some groups, she started acting just like them. You'd think she'd be smart and educated enough to recognize it and pull away, but "group think" can be VERY powerful. She WILL regret it (if she hasn't already). She needs to find some newer, less toxic friends.
That's the problem I'm dealing with here. My WH talked about other affairs in the dept, and I was appalled that the University even allowed it. But when I found out about WH and OW and exposed them to the ethics committee because he refused to give her up, the Provost told my husband flat out that as long as they were both consenting adults, they'd ignore University policy and look the other way. Guess who got labeled the bad guy? ME, for telling! Hard to get support from the hierarchy when there's an open policy of acceptance. It has all the hallmarks of a lawsuit and media scandal, real "Lifetime Movie of the Week" stuff. Argh!
So, trust me when I say I feel your pain and frustration. I really do!
I put him through grad school, waited 11 years to have kids, did 95% of the parenting...and once the end was in sight, what'd I get for my 22 years of faithful teamwork? Shoved off the summit in favor of a younger woman!
Very similar story here, Seeing. My H is a L, and although we put each other through grad school, I did choose to forego my career to raise our Ds, volunteer, and generally hold down the fort while he advanced his career. Just as we were becoming empty nesters and I was looking forward to more time with H, he started moving away. Now I realize that his success, while always appreciated by me, did not provide the validation he needed, but didn't get, when he was younger. I'm guessing that the attention of OW, the younger sister of a HS friend, is now confirming to him that he was, or should have been, a good catch back then.
I guess I saw his potential, but not the baggage. The "golden years" that I had looked forward to are now quite tarnished. I know I can find some polish somewhere, though, and with a little elbow grease, they should brighten up.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
