I thought maybe it would be helpful if I put a compilation of my other post here for everyone since I haven't gotten any responses as of yet. I warn you that this is EXTREMELY long and I apologize for that. But I'm hoping it will help to put it all here.
*** My husband has basically asked for a divorce. I have to admit, the final straw was something I did. I lied to him about some bills being paid. I have no way of telling anyone how sorry I am, how much I regret lieing, how much I miss him, how much I love him. It's just not possible because he was the entire world to me and still is. I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling.
He swears there was no one else and I believe him as he has never lied to me. But now he has found someone that he has went out with a few times, he says that her and I are on equal ground with him that our relationship still stands a chance and that we need to start seeeing each other more and talking more to rebuild his trust and see what happens. He has never cheated on me and he is fully aware that I have never cheated on him either.
But he has added things to his unhappiness like my house being a pig sty (I have now cleaned and will keep it clean), my lack of energy (I am seeing the doc and figuring it out), my lack of respect and not showing him enough love (and I have been doing more of that lately as well) but he moved out . I am devastated to say the least. I do nothing but cry and clean and want to talk with him. We have been married 23 years and together 24. We have a family, a life....we have so much and so little without each other in my opinion.
I pick up the phone 100 times per day to call him, but make myself stop so that he does not think I'm tryinng to stalk him or something.
Two weeks ago we had a talk, by telephone, and I finally just asked. He says that he will always love me as a person but not as a wife because I have broken his trust and his heart. He says I have the chance to earn his trust back and be his good friend, which he wants very much, and that maybe something will happen in the future and maybe not as no one can tell the future, but right now he can't trust me as far as he can throw me but he also said "if I'm not back in the house by then" when discussing an upcoming family reunion. And he is now talking about us seeing each other more and stuff too. Actually, he asked me out for saturday night.
He also now says that we have a chance to rebuild the relationship and that we will always be friends first from now on. We have talked about feelings more and things that were lacking, plus we have even talked about the other woman in that he was having a fight with her LOL and he called me because before we were married so long ago, we were best friends and would always call each other for advice no matter what the situation. Natural for him to call me, it was hard and he told me that he knew that but I told him it was okay. We are friends and can talk when he needs someone if he wants to call.
I am lost. I am lonely and I can't think straight. I don't know how to do this anymore.
How do you divorce someone you love? How do you walk away from the biggest dream you have ever had in your life? How to you give up your best friend? How do you move forward from something like this? How do I ever do anything again? And am I supposed to, does he really want this?Is him talking to me and saying that we need to see more of each other and try to rebuild hopeful, is it a move in the right direction??
Neither of us has hired a lawyer at this point. And I don't see that happening financially in the very near future...but I know he says it will come. But can I earn his trust back by then and have this relationship repaired?
Please help me. I don't even know what to do now.
Also, just for the record. I have never lied to him about anything other than those bills. EVER. He says that he knows this.
I told him that I truly love him. He says he knows this too but it just doesn't matter right now because he can't trust me at this point and that must be rebuilt before he can think of moving back or creating the relationship again totally..
So he came over one day and we really talked.
He wants to be friends and to work on our issues. If we can resolve it, good, but if not, he wants to be friends.
We talked about a few of the things that he sees as problems in our relationship and I CAN see those things too....we talked for four hours!! I can't really remember a conversation like that between us in so long...it hurts to think that we had lost that somewhere along the way.
He let me know that I need to show him, not just tell him, that I am learning to handle money better...that he can trust me to pay the bills and to work toward a financial future rather than letting them go. he also said that he is working on making himself a better person too, that he recognizes that there are some changes he needs to make as well and that he knows it's hard but we are both working on ourselves and can see each other through as friends and see what happens then.
We also talked about lack of passion in the bedroom and really discussed that for the first time...not just him telling me but me explaining some of my fears to him too. We responded to each other and got a clearer meaning of what was actuallly being said, not just listening, but hearing what each other said. That was soooo nice. He even kissed me goodbye and told me he would call me later or tomarrow.
I can't say this is going to work out. I don't know. I do know that I am going to give it my best effort to make some of the changes that he thinks are necessary...not because he tells me they are but because I can actually SEE that they are necessary and would be a betterment to me as a person as well as to us as a couple.
I'm just very scared and get very lonely. I never know if what I do is right, but I am feeling my way through here and hoping for the best. Anyone have any advice? Anyone have anything they can tell me? Has anyone been in a similar situation and had it work out and save the relationship and what was the turning point for you? He had a really rough day yesterda and was sick on top of it so I ended our talk on the phone with "I love you" it just seemed the right thing. He asked if I expedcted him to answer that at this time, I said no and explained that I had felt it was the right thing, he'd had a bad day, was sick and needed someones love at that point, so I let him know he was loved. Period. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but I did it.
I also have taken to not calling him the past week. I respond if he calls or texts but let him initiate all conversation and follow his lead. This has seemed to be something he really likes. And seems to respond to.
I do see an IC and he told me that I am making great progress in myself as well, that he sees the changes and that it sounds like I am doing the right things....told me to just do what felt right and make sure it was the right thing for me. So that's what I am doing.
Well, I have done research into the mistress. She is an old high school friend. We have mutual friends and I have found no contact between them until a week before he left. I also had his passwords and such for all his accounts up until two days after he left and he had never had any contact with her up to that point. I was on the computer most of the time (an addiction that I had that I have now broken for the most part) and would check that once in a while. He has also told our children (21 and 23) about her and when they went out for the first time....it was father's day weekend.
So, I know that he did not go out with her prior to leaving me, prior to this all starting....but I know that he has now. At least a couple of times in the past week or so. I don't know. I know that his mom (which is where he moved to) said that he had not left the house other than for calls for his job up until father's day weekend too with one exception. He went camping with friends the weekend before father's day for one night.
I'm hoping that I can trust these things that this did not start months ago. That would be nice, but I'm also smart enough to know that this is ongoing at this point which is just unacceptable period. So either way, there is another issue to work on between us.
Strange. He texted me a little while ago and asked if he scared me last night. I decided I wanted to know what the heck he meant so I said no, why. He then said that I hadn't contacted him all day and he wasn't used to not hearing from me and asked if he could call later. I said that was fine as long as before midnight cause I have to go to bed for work.
He also told me he is so confused he doesn't know what he is doing anymore and doesn't understand.
Interesting.
Can someone please advise me on what to think or do here? I want to talk with him and agreed to do so but limited the timeframe. I am listening to what he was saying to me and hearing it too, so now I'm interested to see what we talk about later. BUT I don'twant to do anything wrong either. Please advise!!
So he just called me. I have to talk with him once per week regardless because he gives me money toward the household expenses. That was what this call was about.
We were cordial and I only stayed on the phone about 8 minutes to figure out when/where to get the money (he is leaving at his mom's house for me to pick up while in town tomarrow).
But, gosh that hurt a lot. I CAN DO THIS! I really CAN. It just hurts to hear his voice. *sigh*
I have decided that I will accept an offer from a friend who lives about 200 miles away. She was looking for someone to go with her out of state for 7 days and help with the driving. In exchange she will pay all the gas/hotel/food for that time period. Now, I don't make enough money to take any type of vacation, but if she's paying that much and all I have to do is make up the money I will miss, I can pick up shifts afterward to do that. I haven't told H and I don't think I will. I may tell hism om just so someone knows that I will be gone other than my kids. But I am making this decision on my own, for the very first time in 23 years, I am deciding to do something stricktly for me. Is that good??
Oh, maybe I should put this here. These are things that I have already done prior to coming to this forum. I had gotten the advice from marriagebuilders. I really REALLY hope I haven't screwed anything up here. And the concert that I mention below is actually from tonight. I'm really sorry I didn't go, but man that's a lot of people and with me having panic attacks at this point, I didn't think the heat, the people...nope...Please advise:
I am listening when we do talk to everything he says, then I journal after our conversations/texts so that I can remember. One of the problems I have had before trying to "go dark" is that he would always call and we would talk about things then he'd go hang out with friends or OW and change his story/attitude. So I'm journaling what we talk about for my own sanity. That way I KNOW I'm not crazy and he actually DID say what I originally thought.
I am continuing my IC and have "shown great progress" according to the counselor.
I have decided to look into finishing my last year of schooling to get my bachelor's degree. I am pretty sure I only need one semester to graduate and if so, that will help me tremendously in the long run.
I have decided that I HATE my job so I'm out looking for a new one. Something that is not a dead end job, something with a future.
I have decided that I HATE this house. My mother owned it, and it is still in probate, but I probably will get it. He has told me, in writing, that he will not take any part of this house at any point. It is mine. Well, if so, I'm going to sell it and use the proceeds to purchase something smaller, maybe a condo or something. Then move. I can't stand the memories in this house if this does not work out and if it does, he has even said we should move somewhere else, so I don't feel that he would object at that point.
He has let me know that the divorce attorney that I had called at his bequest is too expensive and that he feels we should do the do it yourself thing. I explained that I would not accept that, no matter how unhappy it made him. Period. I explained that I want to be married to him and that I feel that at some point we should actually talk about what is wrong and how to fix it, but explained that this was not the proper time and he would have to come to grips with the fact that I am not going to sign for divorce at this point.
I have tried to reconnect with two of my old friends from high school (man that was a long time ago LOL) and they have responded and it has been very nice talking with them. We have not managed to get together yet, but I would like to see that happen in the near future if only to get me out some evenings.
I actually thought of going to a concert tonight, alone. There's a free concert in the town about 20 miles from here that I dearly wanted to see. I was pretty tempted and even started to get dressed, but then decided that 90 degrees outside and 40,000 people was probably just a little too much yet for me to handle, but I really thought about it. That is something.
I will not be going to the fourth of July party that we normally attend. It is at his mother's house where he is now staying and she understands that I just can't do that yet. That is not something I am ready for, even though I love fireworks.
I will be attending the family reunion of his family in two weeks. That is at his sisters. He will be there and I asked point blank if OW would be there. He let me know that his mother and sister both told him she was not welcome as well as the fact that he would not bring her there because it would be uncomfortable for me and he did not wish to do that. (always considering my feelings here huh? LOL Whatever, then get rid of her already!)
So I hope I have done some good things. I really do. I keep reading and hoping. Please advise me. thanks!!
I do have to admit that I want to go to the family reunion as much for me as for his family. I have been part of them for so long that I miss them all dearly between the reunions and they only come up once every two years, just bad timing it is so close to this all happening. Honestly.
I am going dim for now as well, I made that decision the other day, kind of but now I'm sticking to it more. I got hurt more by him again last night and I'm just done, just done. I thought it would be okay to talk to him since I hadn't really answered many messages within a day or two, plus he wanted to talk about the money again for yesterday's payment, so I did. BIG MISTAKE! Now I'm hurting worse again. Somme roller coaster I'm on lemme tell ya. But it was my fault, I wasn't strong enough and I let him goad me into telling him what I really thought of all of this and of course he went off about that....my fault there, I should have been adamant and just said I didn't want to talk about it. I learned the hard way there.
I find it really hard to admit that I made that mistake her to ya'all....that's really different for me, but I actually feel guilty for making a mistake that I should have listened on...so I'm sorry to all of you for that. Please forgive me.
Anyhow, my day is now very uncommited. LOL. I'm alone, no one home and I have the whole day and night that way. So I guess I'll go for a walk or something later...get me out of the house a little. *sigh* will I always feel this excruiating pain? Will I always hate my life? I keep asking myself that, I keep asking what I want to do with my life...I do come up with some answers, but then I'm scared about them too LOL. Not sure where I'm going to end up or how, but I'm quite sure I will be stronger for taking this ride and know more about me than I ever thought possible. _________________________
I also have prayed so much! Not getting an answer, but I know that God is listening and helping me get through this somehow, I just don't know how. That is the way I guess it's supposed to be. He brought me here to this forum. So that is a help!
I know I will never understand this one and I have no intention of trying to either at this point, but when H said it, it just dumbfounded me. So I thought I would share so some other person knows they aren't going crazy when they hear the stuff their WAS says.
"I feel guilty when I am with you because I know that she would cut out my heart if she found out. But we are married still and I need sex, you need sex, so the decision to have you come here was mine. I made that choice and I will lve with it." BTW, we did NOT have sex. Period. But I was thinking, he should feel guilty when he is with her, not me. He is so confused that I feel for him. But not enough to go into that with him either. Just let him talk so he could say what he felt. UGH. Like I said, I let myself get hurt last night and I'm havinng a hard time with that today. I KNOW it was wrong and I WILL NOT do that again! HUGE MISTAKE!
And that was the only time he mentioned OW during the conversation or I would have stopped him, I should have stopped him then, but I had to hear what the he** he waas thinking.
I'm still new to this. We have only been seperated 5 weeks at this point and I just found this forum a few days or so ago. So I know that I'm still making mistakes, but I AM learning and listening to all of you. I am building the strength to do everything you tell me and I aAM working on myself rather than him.
