I will do that. The up and down is just crazy... I got ready because I was going to go shopping or find something (anything!) to do... but sat on the bed and got interested in a movie. H came in and sat down and started watching it with me. Next thing I know he's rubbing my feet. I'm thinking, "Uh huh..... I know where this is going..." but it never did. Right at the end of the movie he hopped right up and went back to ignoring me and into the office and is on XBox again! (He's been on there ALL day other than the movie!)
Well, not really. I mean, he's always had a thing for either playing games on the computer or on a game console, but he's addicted to anything else. He doesn't drink except occasionally, doesn't smoke, gambles a little here and there but not regularly...
Our 16 year old wanted to go out and get some fireworks so we did that (the 3 of us) and then went and ate and then to a movie. Of course, just got home and straight to the XBox went H! (Not surprisingly.) I guess you could say he's addicted to XBox but it probably is more than it used to be because it's something to avoid our relationship!
I will say - I'm a little sad. We went and saw Grown Ups which is a comedy, yet it's also a family-feel-good type thing where all the couples are all so sweet together. Made me feel like crying. I didn't - thank goodness - but it was hard to watch the end of the movie with the couples all lovey dovey. sigh.
I see your point - well taken! I am going to do what you suggested as far as asking to see the phone but wanted to wait until after I talk to FT this week before doing so. Whether it's pornography, an EA or PA, you're right: there is SOMETHING outside of our marriage that he is turning to. Well, we know XBox is one of those things - but something that is more destructive going on.
He's just weird. Sometimes, like this morning - going to church and to eat afterwards - he acts perfectly happy and normal. Yet, there is an obvious disconnect with me. I'm glad he's "fine" around the kids, but can't say it doesn't hurt that he's not OK one on one with me.
Every minute he puts into his escape(s) is a minute taken away from you or his kids... his marriage, his famly suffers.. xbox, porn, or another woman.. it's all parasitic escapes and needs to stop...
You're right, Allen - absolutely right. It's probably time for me to get a bit tougher with all of this. I haven't known exactly how to do that since I'm uncertain of exactly what I'm dealing with...but I need to step up my efforts to find out! I will wait til after talking with the FT this week to do much different than what I'm doing now, but I think I need to make some more changes in order to get him to actually want to work on our marriage instead of just suffering in it or blaming it!
I am hoping that the FT is plannign on leading your H into confiding in her, which may take three to four weeks and THEn teh FT will set to task to work with your H for a few more weeks helping him to bring you into the loop... This takes time... I don't expect your H to spill his beans in his first hour there... A good FT is not going to push him, a GOOD FT is giong to establish TRUST and HOPE first and THEN educate him...
I guess I am feeling impatient. I'm already tired of living like this and don't want it to go on any longer than it has to. I feel at a crossroads. I gave the "letting go" speech in my email weeks ago and have proceeded to act in that manner the best I can while H is here. Yet, at the same time, I feel this pull to unearth these secrets he is keeping, which is not letting go. Because I am uncertain of what to do/when to do it, I do nothing of consequence different in the R. I continue with being pleasant, but aloof. I keep wondering - is this showing that I've let go or is this letting him cake-eat??? Do I wait and let FT deal with all this and let it continue on or do I make a move - like pressing for the cellphone? If I do that, is that not *not* letting go?
I want to be strong and tough yet I'm not sure how best to show that.
Last night H, the boys, and I did some fireworks out in the street... watched a movie....had some food. We went to bed and H was being affectionate. Gave me a back rub and then boys interrupted. I guess it is good they did because I'm certain it was leading to sex and I don't know that I could've turned it down. However, after the interruption, H did an about face and went totally cold - rolling over onto his side, clinging to the mattress again. I did the same! This morning when we both woke up there was a lot of silence and I kept thinking he wanted to talk about things but he never did. I wanted to, but didn't, because I'm determined not to discuss R if he does not.
