The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Tough car ride with D11. I picked her up from the family she stayed with this week. She looked really tired. We drove home, chatted a bit.

When we got to "the house." She looked at the "For Sale" signs and said, "I hate those signs."

I told her I did too. But I told her we should look at it a different way. I looked at my finances and in two years I should be able to buy a house -- a really nice two bedroom or perhaps a small three bedroom.

Either way, I said "imagine a day where I come to pick you up and say 'hey, let's go house shopping.'"

She really brightened up.

Then we went inside and I gave D7 a hug and took off quickly so I wasn't there when STBXW got home.

My one slipup was in the car when I said to D11 "let's get inside. I want to get to work before your mom gets home."

I have to stop doing that.

[ClingingToHope]

Oh, one last thing. I cover real estate for my newspaper. I've talked countless times about a house having to have curb appeal.

The house looks good from a distance, but when you get close you see all of the things that need to be addressed. It's thousands worth of stuff -- paint job, a cracked window, a cracked ceiling, old, beat up trim.

It's not going to sell -- at least not anywhere near the price it's listed at.

Plus, it needs to be mowed again and STBXW told the girls they'd be leaving tonight.

So July 4 weekend with people out shopping for houses and "ours" will be the one that needs to be mowed. Smart. STBXW doesn't realize how hard it is to have a house on the market. She will soon.

Saturday is taking shape. I have a coworker who is looking to do something.

[ClingingToHope]

4. Divorce is a lot like Alzheimer's...the physical presence is still there, the same as it always was, but the person inside is gone. That's why seeing your STBXW is so difficult. You see something that looks like what you used to have. Problem is, it's only an illusion. Inside she's no longer what you knew...what you loved. You need to focus on remembering this.....

This is from Old Fool and was in Stupid Romeo's forum.

I love, love this. This is what I am feeling.

[ClingingToHope]

Struggling today. I backslid back night. Alcohol is a depressant and after a tough day at work perhaps I should have just gotten some sleep. The problem is I'm not mentally strong enough to avoid GALing opportunities. I feel like every free night I don't DO something then I'm failing.

I felt really clever when I made sure STBXW has the girls the entire weekend. But it's backfiring on me because I have to fill the time. So many others undoubtedly are preparing for picnics and cookouts and I'm ....

This is where attitude comes in. I met a friend this morning and we're discussing starting a business together. BobbiJo would like it. We want to do chip timing for running races. There are lots of races -- 5k, 10k stuff in our area. Some offer chip timing. Some don't. I talked to a friend who has been a race director and she said it costs $1,500 to $2,000 a race to have chip timing. If we could match or go slightly under she thinks we'd get races.

We got the idea working all of the running races.

That's exciting right. Why am I so miserable today? I know I'm struggling with last night and being so weak.

I keep going back and forth -- negative thinking and then trying to find something to refocus myself.

I'm sure part of this is that I continue to avoid alone times. I fill my time up so tightly that when I do have days like today -- the unresolved issues keep circling in my head.

My friend and I talked and I am getting more excited. We're meeting again Monday. He's coming here so I'm going to have to clean up.

I then went and played 9 holes with a friend and now I'm here.

I'm sure I'll find something to do tonight and tomorrow is fireworks with the church group -- and the 31-year-old who I'm somehow hoping is available and interested when I muster the courage to ask her out.

So this is not a disaster. It's just -- you know -- negative thoughts. The "why me" stuff. The "I'm not good enough" thoughts. The "she has this great life without me" syndrome.

Money trouble is hanging a bit on me.

A month ago I had about $800 set aside for summer. I blew through it pretty quickly and I have the girls two of the next three weeks.

I think I'll be OK -- but another thing I'm thinking about is the Disneyland dad syndrome. I want the girls to remember me and our times together. It's going to be an interesting week with them. Will I be able to keep myself together.

I haven't said this in a long time, but I'm a mess today.

[ClingingToHope]

I sometimes feel like I'm back in high school -- working the phones and texts trying to find the party.

Weird doing that again at 41.

Did get things figured out though. Called a coworker I play basketball with. It's an interesting friendship. I've been friends with his dad -- also a coworker -- for years. We've played softball together for 14 years.

I play basketball with his son. He's 27. And we're heading out at 9 p.m. and going to places different than my normal hangout.

After taking a long walk, I finally did dishes and then sat down to read my diary from last year. I stopped writing in it when I got on this site. This basically is my diary now, one people read and comment on.

I wrote in it last July 4. That was an emotional day. At that time I still was staying with my friend -- no apartment. I was only seeing the girls a few hours a week. I got the shock of discovering she wasn't home waiting for me on July 4 -- she went out since I had the girls. I was wondering if I should file for divorce -- I never would have had the guts.

I correctly predicted D7 would struggle in my apartment once I got it. She's used to being as loud as she wants.

Interestingly, I was struggling with my tone with her a year ago. I was angry then and I'm still angry now.

BTW, on my long walk I texted the 31-year-old who I'm hoping to see tomorrow. I did it just to feel better about myself. Weird how my self-esteem has just been laid low this week.

[ImprovedRomeo]

The money stuff is tough...but you'll make it. You'll figure out a way to fix it. That's what we do...we fix things.

Hope you have a good time with the 31yo, taking her to the fireworks display? - I know there's a joke in here somewhere

Happy 4th.

[ClingingToHope]

I'll see the 31-year-old as part of a church singles group. It's not just me and her. I will take a calculated risk tonight though. One of the local TV reporters got a job in Vegas and tonight is her last broadcast. So the TV types are taking her out to a nightclub near the fireworks.

So I'm hoping to get the chance to ask her to go with me after the fireworks tonight. We'll see.

Sent STBXW a text to tell the girls Happy 4th. Someone texted back Happy 4th to me too.

Stayed out until midnight last night and almost overslept church. I'm glad I did. A friend and his family were there and I sat with them. It was a good message. Live your whole life in the light. It's when you let little things stay in the dark -- hidden -- that's when bad things grow.

I did that with STBXW. I've always been 95 percent proud of my life. It's time to be 100 percent proud.

My Reds are playing the Cubs right now. The Reds are sitting Rolen and Votto got ejected for arguing balls and strikes so it'll be a tough one to win.

I'm going to head over to a friend's house to watch it and then to the park to meet the church group at 5:30 p.m.

I've gotten some cleaning done as well. These holiday weekends are just so emotionally charged. I'll be so glad to see the girls Monday night for our second week of summer break.

I'll be OK with the money stuff.

[awest1217]

I know you don't like to hear it, but you really need to get used to being alone and being ok with just yourself. You need to learn to fix your own funks without the use of texting 31 year old. I understand that it is fun and helps to boost your spirits, but you need to learn to help yourself and you need to learn to be ok with you, especially if you are wanting a R with someone else soon.

It is just me, but it isn't healthy for you to never be ok with just being at home relaxing. I am not saying all the time, but once in a while is actually a good thing. It does not mean you are a failure.

Enjoy your time with everyone, but remember to take some time for you.

[Gardener]

Live your whole life in the light. It's when you let little things stay in the dark -- hidden -- that's when bad things grow.

I did that with STBXW. I've always been 95 percent proud of my life. It's time to be 100 percent proud.

Excellent, CTH.

[Gardener]

I know you don't like to hear it, but you really need to get used to being alone and being ok with just yourself. You need to learn to fix your own funks without the use of texting 31 year old. I understand that it is fun and helps to boost your spirits, but you need to learn to help yourself and you need to learn to be ok with you, especially if you are wanting a R with someone else soon...
Enjoy your time with everyone, but remember to take some time for you.

^^^this^^^