Honestly the more I think about it the more I'm paranoid that I ever posted so many details here. I kinda wish I could delete them all ;-) But I am very grateful for all who've read and given great advice and support.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Mods here don't like deleting threads, I tried that a long time ago... they say no unless your life is in danger... trust me they are NOT cooperative about deleting threads... on a technical level its easy to do, but policy wise they do'nt like it and are very apprehensive about it
Ok I had some dealings with my H today over some house issues that needed to be resolved. That all went ok. We did talk a bit about what happens next, and we came to a settlement and division of property agreement that I am taking to my lawyer next week to be formalized, but the lawyer's advice was to get this done now to protect your assets, and that IF he files for divorce, this then gets attached to the divorce later. Otherwise, it just means your assets and such are legally separated during the time you live separately.
He said he "intends to file" and he is "100% in favor of that", but then he said that he can wait till late fall to do so because the forms say that the divorce becomes final 6 months after the separation date, and it's automatic without a trial so long as the property settlement has been reached. (A trial by the way in my state is very expensive and ends up doling out the money pretty much exactly as we have agreed to it now--and the wife gets no extra for being cheated on or anything). So AVOIDING the trial is easier financially AND emotionally. We would only get a paper in the mail saying "you're divorced."
So I plan to do nothing, as in not file myself, after the property sett. is reached. Then I just wait to see if/when he files.
I guess my question to you is, does his language sound like someone who is totally decided that it's irreconcilable and I should just stop having any ounce of hope that he'll come to the thought that maybe we should try? Or is his language "typical" for someone in an addiction/affair?
He has said that he has no intention of leaving this OW to try to work things out with me because of 2 things: he thinks that he might try with me and it will all fail, and then she'll have moved on, and that as picky as he is, he'll lose me AND her in the process of trying to get things right with me. He also kept reiterating that he feels like his "biological clock is ticking" (not that he wants kids but that he is enormously afraid that any day now his age is really going to hit him and he'll be "old" (he is in low 40's now) and that then it really will be too late to find someone else. (the OW is in her late 20's, I'm his age).
So I guess from all this I'm again wondering is this all typical for someone is his position and eventually they come out of it, or is he truly and completely gone and I should just give up and stop praying for a change in time.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Yes it is all very typical... I would just not interact with him at all and keep exposing to your exposure group... Keep educating everyone you can about infidelity and leave him feel he pressure...
They don't just "come out of it"... You have work to do to pressure him into ending the affair... If you don't do the work, the chances of the affair ending before he files are much less
Affairs are addictions... addicts don't just "come out of it"... they cave under pressure to end it, or if left on their own they will either hit rock bottom and end the addiction or they will hit rock bottom when the affair turns into something more long term and fails naturally...
The success rates long term for affair couples is less than 1%...
Its nto a matter of if it will fail, but only of when...
Ok so I've exposed to everyone who could possibly have an impact or cause him pressure, but the problem is that he seems to be oblivious to pressure. He told me through an email that he failed in the marriage because he never advocated for himself or his needs, and that I was not to blame for the breakup of the marriage. But then he also said that his affair was NOT a failure, that it was the first time he ever advocated for himself and he was making his OWN path and he felt very confident and good about that choice. He is entirely comfortable with that aspect of things, and no matter who tells him it was the wrong way to end the marriage, he just simply won't believe them. He says he feels very empowered and strong and good about that decision.
Do they all say this and eventually they change? Or is this guy just a horrible person who will never really take responsibility for his actions and I need to just throw in the towel?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
They ALL say soemthing to this effect yes... they do NOT all eventually change no... Some run off and marry the OW only to have THAT fail and by then the LBS has moved on... THAT is what happens when they choose to see things through completely...
It's not him being a horrible person.. he's immature and has chosen to pursue a destructive addiction to help him escape from emotions he isn't emotionally devleoped enough to manage safely...
In short, he's a child with a firearm...
Do not throw in the towel...
First you need to get a SIGNATURE that summarizes your situation so people can help you better
Then you need to detail here your exposure script... talking about "the wrong way to end the marriage" is NOT the way to expose anythign... if that's what you are asking people to say to him you are risking losing this marriage permanently...
There are four key points you want to make here to exposure groups
a. You want to save your marriage b. Infidelity is harmful to the marriage and the family c. The Infidelity must end in order to repair the marriage d. Ask for support from your friends and family to encourage your H to come to his senses...
How can they help?
Going over points a - c above with your H first off.. and NOT ARGUING with him... Just state the points above and HANG UP
Do NOT ARGUE or NEGOTIATE with someone addicted to a fantasy relationship... Just state your position and CLOSE the DOOR
The success rate of affair couples long term is less than 1%... IT won't LAST
your H must hear from his friends and his family
"We will NEVER ACCEPT OW as part of this family, you are unwelcome in our home and we will not socialize with you until you end your affair"
If they are going around telling him this is the "wrong way" to "end a marriage" they are just doing damage to yoru chances...
They are TELLING your H that his marriage is OVER.. is that way you want HIM to think?
Oi veih
YOU need to stop listening to his garbage excuses... Have you READ divorce remendy? Did you read the FIRST PARAGRAPH of the book?
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
THIS is the information you should be sharing with his family and friends when you expose... NOT ARGUING with him... you share this with yoru famly and invite THEM to bring CONSEQUENCES down on him if he choses to continue his affair...
If you continue this affair
a. We will never have anythign to do with you again b. you are disowned by your family
etc
Right NOW he will not show any fear from that..b ut if he hears it ENOUGH from LOTS of people... REPEATEDLY he will start to wake up.. VERY SLOWLY
YOU need to stop contacting him and REFUSE any efforts he makes to contact YOU
