Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

And, I think H is trying to keep me away from his family. First with SIL saying she wanted to see me, then after talking to him she changed her mind. Then today I was supposed to meet him at BIL's to get DS. On my way there he called and said there were a lot of cars and he knows I don't like backing out of BIL's driveway so we would meet at a close-by gas station. Well, last time I had to pick up DS there were a lot of cars and I had to back out but apparently that wasn't a problem then. Now all of a sudden he is concerned with what I don't like doing when driving? Something strikes me as odd about that.

[Grace_O]

Mystik,

Blood is thicker than water. Who knows why they may or may not want to see you or he dosn't want you to. It doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.

What does matter is you and your S. That your H sees it one way and you see it another is really to be expected. Neither one of you is going to change the other's mind, don't try. I know what it feels like to have things you need to say and have him hear. I also know even if you say alot of them to him, it will fall on deaf ears.

HUGS

[Mystik]

Grace_O, you make some good points. Thank you for reminding me that it's the bigger picture, not the small details. And yes, much as I like to think he considers what I say and contemplates it after the fact, I know that it's very unlikely he does.

[Mystik]

My evening went a bit better than my day. Went to my sister's so DS could go swimming and we had dinner there. While there my sis was talking to DS and I mentioned how he tried to show me the ultrasound picture and that I made him give it to his father. My sister said she was stunned that H would have even given DS that sort of thing, then asked him what he thought about the baby and DS said he thought it was bad. He then commented that it was a boy, my sister asked me if I had already known that and I said I hadn't, I didn't want to know.

As heartbroken as I am that it's not me giving DS a second child, had it been a girl I would be even more upset because a girl is what I was desperately aching for when DS kept refusing to have a second child with me, that DS was the only child he wanted.

[Mystik]

Today wasn't too bad. Went to my mom's, my sister and two of my brothers were there, along with my grandmother and her best friend. Had a good time.

While there H called, so I let DS answer and let him talk. H wanted to talk to me, I shook my head no so DS told him I said no. They ended the call then a few minutes later H texted me to say he would tell his sisters I didn't want to see them. I quickly responded that I thought they didn't want to see me, at least the one SIL didn't. H said that they had a talk but maybe it was for the best, meaning that I don't see them. I responded that I would love to see them but maybe it was, for the best I meant. He didn't respond to me, much as I was hoping he would say it was ok, that I should see them.

I do miss his sisters desperately but really, what good would it do me to see them? All I'll do is cry and go on about how much I love H and how much what he's doing is hurting me and ask them if they think he is ever going to leave OW and come back to me, and was he still all confused about everything. Right now I'm looking for anyone to tell me that it's not hopeless, that yes there is a chance for H and I to reconcile still.

[Mystik]

H texted late last night to say his family is having breakfast at a local restaurant at 9 in the morning, would I be able to bring DS there. I agreed, then asked if H was bringing DS home. He responded he will not bring him all the way home, he doesn't know yet what's going on after breakfast. Going to just wait and see. Probably going to get DS to the restaurant a bit late so I don't have to see H arrive with the whore and her brat, that way just H can come outside to get DS.

[newmama]

I think that seeing his family can help you when you are ready. I hate to say it, but I suspect your H is spinning a story about you to make himself look better. Yeah I know, who cares what other people think, but they are still your family--connected through your son-- isn't that strange to realize? So don't panic or stew about it, but consider talking to your SILs.

good idea to arrive late to the restaurant....

[Mystik]

I hope so, Newmama. I grew very close to his family, still consider them my in-laws and always will. Who knows what he is telling them, but they all know me so if they choose to believe his tales that does sting some.

Ended up not taking DS to the breakfast this morning so I didn't have the opportunity to talk to H's sisters or see anyone. DS didn't want to go so he called his father who told him it was ok if he didn't want to go. Hope his father realizes that it was all DS's choice, not mine. I was talking it up as fun and a great thing but DS wasn't buying.

[Mystik]

Still feeling emotionally detached. On the plus side, that means H isn't able to get to me. On the downside, that means I'm also detached from DS and my family. Can't win them all I guess.

I feel oddly calm, not stressed about everything. Just have a sense of peace that it will all work out. Don't know how or when, though.

I do fear that when my emotions return that feeling of calm will go away and I'll be unsure of the future again.

[Mystik]

Just woke up from the craziest dream about H. For some reason my friend J and I were at his house, I was sleeping on the couch, J was in the shower and DS was sleeping on the coffee table. H pretty much pinned me down on the couch and we had an argument. He was trying to blame me for the marriage falling apart and then said that he was afraid of losing me. I asked losing me to what and he said to dating losers. I told him it was his choices that made the marriage end. His choice to leave, his choice to walk out on DS and I. I also told him I was going to contest the grounds he files on because I refuse to take the blame for the marriage ending, that I was more than willing to resume marital relations but he was the one refusing them. We argued about a lot of stuff and our arguing woke up DS then OW came out. I was furious and made some snarky comments about her and about H while gathering my clean clothes, then DS and I went into the bathroom with J so I could get dressed. While I was in there OW came in and I started arguing with her, really let her have it. One of the things I told her was that the baby was going to destroy their relationship just like it did mine with H because we weren't ready to be parents. At one point she made some remark about him choosing her because "look at the alternative" so I grabbed her and backed her into a mirror and banged her head against the mirror screaming that she knew nothing about me, she knew nothing about H and I. J pulled me back and OW left, then H was in the doorway holding a box marked "Police". I told him to go ahead and call them then turned away. I did feel guilt that DS saw and heard everything, then J was giving me a pat on the back for standing up to OW. I woke up abruptly, very confused because the dream felt so real.

Now I am not at all a person for arguing or violence. I will avoid confrontations by avoiding the person I fear I'll argue with. So for me to get so angry and violent in my dream is a bit shocking.