Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[BeginningAgain]

I mean, at a certain point it gets TOO hard to keep up the energy with a WS who gives you NOTHING.

I actually think think the fact that he gives you NOTHING will end up making the break easier and quicker for you. I have the exact opposite. I have a WAW who every once in a while dangles a carrot just long enough to keep my hopes and interest up - and keeps me on the emotional rollercoaster. She actually has no more desire than your Mr. A. in saving the M, it's just a slower more painful death because I keep getting sucked in. Sort of like swimming through quicksand. Eventually I'll either drag my tired self out or drown.

[Mrs. A]

Mr. A was doing the same thing until our first court appearance on 5/12. Not constantly, but plenty.

But he's been totally, totally dark since that court date. Which besides being infuriating has been confusing because I actually thought I held it together pretty well that day!

About a week and a half after our first court date, I tried to call Mr. A. I had a question for him about mediation. I found out then that he had blocked me from his phone: "This call cannot be completed at the number you dialed."

That fu*C)er! I was soooooo pissed! He hasn't blocked me from his phone since the weeks leading up to his big announcement of wanting a D on 10/21/09 (which he rescinded and then reinstated).

So this complete blocking is pretty frustrating now, just when we're *supposed* to be working together to END our M in the least damaging way (WHATEVER!). But I do hear you that your WAW's ongoing bait and switch is even more confounding. As my title says, this STINKS!!!!!

[Mrs. A]

I'm really in the mood to call Mr. A tonight to see if I'm still blocked from his phone. I mean, like, REALLY in the mood. Like the universe is telling me to do it.

Usually I follow my instincts - the strongest ones, at least. But tonight I'm going to use every diversion at my disposal to stop myself from calling Mr. A.


Encouraging words would be much appreciated!!!!!!!!!

[Gardener]

Mrs. A,
You're making the right decision. You know you are.
Encouraging words.
Encouraging words.
Encouraging words.
Encouraging words.

The "universe" is wrong.
If you're blocked, it's all about him, not you.
And, really: what difference does it make one way or the other?
That (like most things) is all about him.
Not about you.
Stay strong.

[newmama]

Mrs. A! Did you succeed at NOT calling Mr. A? Good for you for setting your mind to not calling him, even though who cares at this point. Your pride I guess :-)I get that!

...now why would he block you from calling? That is very rude! Is OW still around or something? Did his L tell him? You guys weren't fighting right? strange.

Is your wedding anniversary 7/28? because that is mine, too!

Now about how to respond to the second circle who tell you to move on, etc. Well that is what we are "supposed" to say to people who get "dumped" or divorced right? So I wouldn't read too much into it. And maybe you trash talked Mr. A for the same reason....because you are "supposed to." What do you think?

When I tell people and they say that stuff to me (those who aren't close friends), I think I will just say "thank you." because they are complimenting us. I think they would want to check me into a looney bin if I said "BUT WAIT! He won't be doing this forever! He really isn't a bad guy!" So why bother?

Oh and something else I have noticed. Let's say you guys reconcile...the same people who said "you are better off" (the 2nd circle) mostly likely will say "that's terrific! but be careful....take it slow..." and they won't say "wtf?" (our close friends and family might,lol!)

So I don't know. I guess I want to "set Mr. A free" - but not just because I lost the drive to keep trying.

Sigh.

That's why I like how Gucci called it "setting ourselves free." Losing the drive isn't giving up the fight, it is deciding to put the drive into ourselves instead of them. I am feeling this for myself finally! So I am not being a hippocrate, haha!

Now what is it that caused you to lose the drive in trying to get Mr. A to stop the divorce/come back?

You said it--The energy it takes to want a WS who doesn't want us is draining. The energy is going to them and not us! And the drive is for them and not us! So when you lose the drive, it isn't failing in your quest. It is sucking that energy back in to your body and mind and soul, where YOU NEED IT. It's taking the time to recuperate and heal and RESTING from wanting Mr. A to come back, right? Maybe by the time you decide to focus on it again, you will be in a different place.

Focusing on the message of the paper weight i.e. "Keeping the eye on the prize" and never giving up on the goal of saving your marriage ALL ALONE (usually the support of family and friends drops off, right?) can feel like a prison sentence after awhile...without knowing when the sentence ends....how is that

Even when we say "ok you may be free..." but still hoping they will come back, it is draining for ourselves, putting our lives on hold, and we aren't really setting THEM OR US free.

[BeginningAgain]

I also hope you didn't call him. Calling him merely gives him your power, so don't do it!!! It is childish of him for having blocked you and cut off attempts to mediate the settlement. If I were you I would simply draw up the settlement that works best for you and present it to the mediator.

On a lighter note - I'm leaving for OSU country in about three hours - wish me luck in the enemy's backyard. Then on Monday it's off to the Great Lake State of Michigan!

BA

[Mrs. A]

BA--

[censored] OSU!!!

Yay, so glad I got that out of my system. Good luck surviving the hinterlands!

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! No, I did not call Mr. A. And I'm not calling him tonight, either.

At some point soon he should be off going on his vacation with his stupid slutty whore mistress - even thought he would fight me tooth and nail every time I brought up a vacation.

I have to admit, I am DRUNK tonight! I need to go to bed before I do any drunk dialing!!!

I can't believe I'm as old as I am (34 going on 35) and am still thinking about the same dumb stuff I did when I was in high school! Mr. A is bringing out the child in me.

I have to admit, I am DRUNK tonight. I have to quit before I start drunk-dialing!

JK! But I must sign off for the night....

You guys are awesome. My dear hubby - not really these days!

[kml]

Repeat after me - NO DRUNK DIALING!!!!!!!!!

[newmama]

Oh but drunk posting is okay? TOTALLY TEASING!!xxxooo Mrs. A!!

[BeginningAgain]

Thanks Mrs. A. I am doing well here in "Buckeye land" although it does smell a bit and not surprisingly the closer you get to the horseshoe, the fouler the smell!

I hope you are recovering well from your evening! Aw yes the drunk dialing, always fun while you're doing it, not so great the morning after. Usually filled with thoughts of "I can't believe I did that and how could I be so stupid!" Glad you resisted the urge to head down that road. Seems to me that you might be in need of a DB name change to help you begin the process of moving on down the road. Dropping the "Mrs." would be a start. Happy 4th!


BA