For every hour your spouse puts into the escapism you have to put an hour into attacking it
If she's been bulding up fantasies of running away with this guy and put 400 hours of work into it you will likley have 400 hours of work to UNDO it...
She's been building up a fantasy in her head, you are trying to knock it down... it takes time and work... one hit on the wall is rarely enough to knock it down...
Her mom said my wife told her STRAIGHT TO HER FACE that the other guy was over and done with. She blatantly lied.
The first time her mom was so very disappointed with her, and my wife swore total truth from now on. Now she is completely lying again. Both of them DO NOT want to see a divorce, or see either of us date during this period. I need then to tell her parents their daughter is continuing on with this, and has been trying this whole time.
So I will start with the parents, and work from there. At least if they KNOW she has been lying the whole time, she won't get as much support when I expose the Facebook guy again, and my wife lets Hell rip loose.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Good plan, QS. Your sitch sounds EXACTLY like mine, vis-a-vis my wife lying repeatedly to her own parents. I had to expose to them, and then re-expose, and then RE-RE-expose, etc.
Probably 10-12x in just a 3-month affair.
It's brutal.
Quote:
Now it is time to be mentally tough, and suck this up.
Now that's the smartest, most mature thing you've said since you came on this forum.
Way to go QS.. I would take some print outs as proof too... YOu want to SHOCK these two into recognizing how dangerious and how ill your wife is right now... She's a walking time bomb... And they need to SEE that... If you have anything you can print out that's giong to be a lot mroe convincing than anything you have to say..
I don't know if you've been following ElvenCat's thread but she had to expose to her Husband's mother who wasn't very helpful at first... Until ElvenCat made her READ what her OWN SON was saying in live private chats... she was disgusted after that and was 100% on her daughter in laws side...
Proof helps... talk is good, but proof helps
Be very careful what you share... you want the RIGHT proof to produce the RIGHT response...
OK I haven't re-exposed yet, as the guy HAS NOT messaged her back about visiting. I want to have 110% concrete proof in his writing before I go to her parents.
And I have read some texts she sent out this past week. Man, she is enjoying this whole thing quite alot it seems. She makes fun of me a good bit to her friends.
And she is saying to her friends that her mom said that she told me "it was over".
I built a brand new railing for our front porch this week, and she didn't say a single thing about it. I then mentioned something about needing to do a second paint coat, and she said "It looks really good". I guess that is one small, small, baby step.
But I feel like everything she says and texts her friends just undermines all the baby steps I make. I feel like she puts on a front with me, and then to her friends she is enjoying everything that is happening.
Because of her travel, all the FC we can do is one session every other week. We both have our own IC that we do as well.
So its been exactly 30 days since I have SERIOUSLY been DB, and it feels like I have gone nowhere. But maybe I am not seeing the changes.
It does kind of feel like her parents might not be as on board with me as I first thought, like they are trying to protect their daughter from me and what I am doing. And also telling me what I want to hear.
How can you really find out if they are on board, or if they are just listening to me to help me feel better, and then telling her what I am saying and doing?
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/03/1001:31 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
It's a tough call there QS... Hopefully she will write down something in text that you trap that offends THEM and you can share that with them...
They just don't sound particularly educated which is common... Most people do not understand infidelity as an addiction... They have seen too many movies... And they don't understand wayward spouse problems either... they just think the person is doing what's best for them and their jugement is stable....
I think you know better, but the more people that know better the easier its going to be...
She's going to resist your efforts to improve the home, but you do have to accept that they make a difference to her, even if she is too stubborn to admit it to your face.
The chats she has with her friends are there to help her reinforce herself, she likley has a lot of suppressed doubts about leaving and needs a cheerleading squad to support that.
People who are committed to leaving don't need to make a huge production out of it... I suspect she's making such a dramatic event out of it because she's frightened...
Ok so I had a meeting with my IC today, and we talked about a whole bunch of things.
One thing he said that stuck out was that he asked me why I wasn't showing my wife I am a flesh and blood person, and to maybe think about showing some vulnerability. Like don't just walk around moping, begging, or hurt, but display genuine feelings when I am feeling hurt. So she can see that she is really hurting a true person, and see the real effects she is having.
He used the analogy that if people had to kill for their own meat, there would be alot more vegetarians. Basically, if they had to inflict hurt DIRECTLY, much less people would do it. He seems to think that is she knows her actions are truly hurting me, then she might think twice about being so cavalier about it, and really take a look at what she is doing. He suggested I show some TRUE vulnerability, and SHOW her that I am emotionally outward and available.
I also discovered she was looking for condos today, meaning she is still 110% intent on getting out of her and getting her own place. I know this is a marathon, but it still hurts to see her soooooo determined.
Oh, and that Facebook guy just texted her back, but not about setting up the visit. So they are at least generally communicating now. Still nothing concrete to take to her parents, but now she can get her "high" again waiting for and getting messages from him.
Oh and he said the Facbook guy is irrelevant, and it is because she is SEARCHING for the attention, affection, and feeling that she is going elsewhere. He said there are 4 million other guys in the area, and I can't scare them all away. He said I need to focus on being the person what she always wanted, and she needs to see that it is right here at home and not anywhere else.
Any thoughts?
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/03/1006:31 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
That as long as her brain is addled by "loooove chemicals" as she searches for these OM, she won't give ONE WHIT about your "vulnerability."
I disagree with your IC. Sounds like "Bo-Peep" to me. You're not going to think this guy is "irrelevant" if your wife comes back from a trip with him with an STD -- or worse.
This guy is NOT irrelevant... She's known him for a long time yes?
This IC doens't sound like they have handled many successful infidelity cases...
I suppose online sex chat is "irrelevant" too?
What has to happen in the IC's mind for an online interaction to no longer be "irrelevant"?
If this is his way of handling online affairs, your IC is a fool and has likley done a lot of damage to marriages in my opinion... He's way too casual about the risks of infidelity in a marraige
And yes, I agree with pup, as long as she's fixated on OM she will be indifferent to your "vulnerability"
There are addicts on this forum who will hurt innocent children or abaondon them... does that sound like someone who will cave to you because you show some vulnerability?
