Wow Bobbi, she's brilliant, well done for finding that IC! As an outsider, I would agree wholeheartedly with her perspective.
When people are done, they are DONE. They avoid calls, they dont return messages... even if you had kids together they would keep it to an absolute minimum and would not invite conversation outside of issues relating to the kids. They wouldnt want you to know anything about their personal life. I also agree with her that he doesnt want back (who can say never, look at Mish's sitch!) but that he cant let go either. From what you told us about Dan's predilictions (did you mention this to her?) then I would assume he sees woman somewhat as his to own/control/dominate, even if thats subtle and unconcsious and he doesnt realise he is doing it. But all of this hasnt been healthy for you, so boundaries, absolutely as Kat says.
Anyway, well done you and I liked your long post about your IC session! Keep rereading that one, you can change how you behave but Dan isnt likely to, as K and the IC both said.
Hugs, keep being strong and brave.. suggesting getting together for a drink is the right thing to do. It just takes someone to put it out there, or we just go around in our own little lives and we dont make new friends hey! xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
BBJ - Thanks for sharing that and I am glad I asked you. I like your IC and I think she has Dan and his antics pretty much spot on. I especially like the fact that she has told you to ignore his vague texts and that if you come to find out later he was at the ER with your sick child, that doesn't mean you are the bad parent for not calling him, it means HE was irresponsible for not leaving a specific message relaying the urgency of the situation.
Excellent advice and it will relieve you of feeling responsible for his shortcomings. I am positive that as you implement these new boundaries that he is going to lash out at you, try to guilt you even more, and maybe be vindicitive. As your IC said he has "addict" tendencies and as you wean him off BBJ time he's going to go through some withdrawal symptoms.
Ick. Dan is so gross. The gum on the bottom of my shoe is more appealing...
In better news:
*The kids had a great day today playing with my niece Carly
*I finished up my last assignment for class and finished my last class session! So it's summer time now!
*Nathan was FOUR for FOUR tonight at his last baseball game, awesome!
Now the kids are with my dad playing at "papa's" until ten. So I am going to catch up on laundry. Then tomorrow Nathan will be spending 11 hours with his best buddy at some sort of historical reenactment at a fort near here. Lots of mock cannon fire, explosions, and running around in the outdoors. Fun time for him! Then Dan is picking up both kids tomorrow night around 7 or 8 and taking them until Sunday afternoon. I will get them back to spend the afternoon and evening at my parents'. Every year they have my mom's family(all 60 of us!) over for grilling and fireworks.
One area I could still use a little input. Don't want to talk to him, don't want to engage/interact, etc.
However his freezer and his tools (big heavy craftsman five drawer cabinet thingy) and a few other misc items still in my garage. I want them out so I have room to park my car and also just so I can finally organize the garage how I want it without all of his crap.
How do I address this without having to start a dialogue?
I was thinking after the holiday (not for him but for me so I don't get bs texts) I text/email:
Please get your items out of the garage by the end of the month. Otherwise I will do with them as I see fit.
Just want nothing left to have to 'handle'........so ready to be done finishing up this crap. Got my settlement, working on the refi of the house, nothing left to handle except the last of his crap. Things I can lift I took to the storage unit months ago. Things I can't are still here. OH and that includes the $4500 mission style pool table we bought in Glendale, CA.
He has had plenty of time to get his things and I am certain that he wont want his nice tool cabinet with tools sold to another man who will fondle them.
I thought your text was a bit blunt at first, but upon further thought, I think it would only cause procrastination from him if you say something like "I would like to organize my garage. Could you please take your items out?"
How about just communicating with him in a neutral way? You're text sounded a little mean hun.. might give him reason to fling something back at you, or delay. You can be polite and neutral.
How about "Hi Dan, I need you to remove the remainder of your things away from the garage soon, so I can get the car in again. Let me know when you you will do that, thanks Bbj"
??
If he comes back bitchin and moanin, simply offer to arrange a removal firm to take it and say you will send him the bill?
Noone can tell you to move on, moving on isnt something you can make yourself do either hey, it just happens sometime unexpected. I loved the Piscean so much and didnt in fact 'move on' in my soul until 4 boyfriends later! (present bf) because none of the others matched up. But, although it broke my heart to leave him, I had to leave and not go back, because he was verbally abusive to me. I guess Dan's behaviour, before, during and since the D has been pretty abusive really. Its a hard thing to first face up to and secondly, to act on. Realise you deserve better. xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali I am not looking for a way to be done anymore, I am done. I have never meant that as seriously as I do now. If he asked me today if he could come back I would say no...
Ali, Kerry, I could be nice about it, but for Dan nice=weak and he will not come and get his stuff, he will take his own sweet time.
I almost want to just leave his crap there for the time being so I don't have to contact him at all. I don't want to give the impression that I am looking for a reason to contact him. I just want my garage space back. It is embarrassing to me how long I have let him do everything his way.
I almost want to just leave his crap there for the time being so I don't have to contact him at all.
It's not wrong to reclaim your space. Giving him an opportunity to come get his stuff is just a simple courtesy, and he is not a child, so he needs to step up and deal with this.
If you want to reclaim that space, then give him a deadline, and then get rid of it if he doesn't meet the dead line. Tell him you don't care if he rents storage or whatever, you just want the stuff gone so you can finish getting your home in order, and if he won't do it, then you will donate it all to Goodwill or whoever will haul it away.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I agree with Timeheals. "Please remove your stuff from the garage by____. I need the space."
Something I was wondering...I heard from someone that legally, if the spouse leaves stuff and it wasn't addressed in the divorce settlement, then that stuff becomes property of the spouse who lives in the house. Don't know if this would apply to you.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
