I haven't forgotten about you...it's just that your tale of woe is so disheartening that by the time I've read through it, I'm too depressed to write anything. However, there are a few things I need to share.
1. In answer to your question, I said it was time to "man up" because this is where it gets ugly and manipulative. What I meant by the phrase was that you've got to disconnect for a bit, put on the hard shell, and be tough (looks like that didn't happen, though). If you don't she'll eat you alive.
2. Lots of people end up doing it, but you need to make sure you don't get into the "maybe s/he doesn't want me, but I'll show my kid who the better...more fun...more exciting...parent is and that'll fix her/him." This almost always backfires and you're starting to do and say things that smack of this error.
I could be wrong, but I'd bet your best childhood memories are of more simple things. Let me give you an example. One year when I was young (and my folks were poor), they took me to Disneyland (I'm not local so it was a big deal). I rode Pirates of the Caribbean until I was out of E tickets (I suppose you're too young to remember those). It was great.
Another year, we went to the beach. One night I walked to the corner store with my father (it was a few blocks away). Just us two. He was picking up a few groceries for my mother and he bought me an ice cream sandwich that I ate walking back home.
Care to guess which memory is more precious to me? The second...hands down. I remember both events, but the second one holds so much meaning for me in a way the first one never will. Who cares if the party is at some expensive place or it's just you and your daughter. What counts is the two of you together. I'd bet she'll remember that long after the party du jour has faded into the background.
3. I agree with the other folks and the nice/control issue. It a sort of mild version of physical abuse. They hit you, then later apologize or bring you flowers, or what have you. It keeps you on the line thinking, "maybe that was the worst of it, s/he'll be better next time". 'Course they never are.
4. Divorce is a lot like Alzheimer's...the physical presence is still there, the same as it always was, but the person inside is gone. That's why seeing your STBXW is so difficult. You see something that looks like what you used to have. Problem is, it's only an illusion. Inside she's no longer what you knew...what you loved. You need to focus on remembering this.
