MLC - standing by my man

[Dudess]

I still have expectations. I accepted the situation but I still expect my H to be considerate of my feelings and not to be cruel in his actions...

So you are right, I have to accept that fact...and let it all go. When I'm able to do that, that will free me...when I have no expectations whatsoever and won't let anything he does hurt me.

Unless you go to an unhealthy numbness, I doubt that nothing he does will ever hurt you after all the years you two have been together. It is natural and normal that it hurts – badly.

Dudess -

I don't think your H really believes that he may lose you for good, and maybe that is exactly the wake up call he needs to turn this around

In the past 2 months H is certainly behaving like he is done with me...ever since the OW made the "final" decision and committed to him there seems to be no more wavering or confusion...at least that is visible to me. I think that the previous comebacks only happened because she pulled back...it wasn't his decision and it wasn't what he wanted...he wanted her...now he has her. On the other hand I'm pretty sure that if/when the affair is over he will be back.

Right, he came back to you because he has always figured you would still be there if this doesn't work out. You always have, so that's logical on his part. It doesn't sound like he has had to face much in the way of consequences for his infidelities. What do you make of the fact that he hasn’t filed for divorce? Do you think it is because he leaves it to you handle the paperwork, or he is keeping you as a back-up plan or . . . .? What if he suddenly saw the safety net about to be pulled?

I like Gucci's post...that is absolutely right....MLC or WAS....and I did let him go, but not totally...because I still react to the way he treats me....and that is a form of control. So I must grow thicker skin and just let go no matter what he throws at me.

The “letting go” Gucci talks about isn’t about your emotional reactions to him and your desire to reconcile. It is about showing him with your ACTIONS that you are moving on. Gucci emphasizes that you can feel like holding on for dear life and and still let go with your behavior. You do that by affirming that it his choice (however stupid) to be with someone else. The ‘letting go’ is showing him that he can have anybody he wants, but he can’t have you too and you are not waiting to be his back-up plan.

I did finally made the decision and sent him an email agreeing to answer the phone...so I guess I have decided that I won't let it bother me... Must separate the business from the personal...no choice

Mila, yes, separate business from personal in what you do, but it is okay to be very bothered by it. It must feel devastating.

IMO, part of separating business from personal is talking with your business partner about adjustments in working hours. It is a business issue if he is not doing the work he needs to do to keep the business running regardless of how he is spending his vacation time.

.they are both on antidepressants...so they can't be as happy and content as they appear...also the constant trips they are taking seem to indicate that they need to maintain a level of excitement to feel happy...they are still escaping...there has been no reality yet...she has no job...he is doing the bare minimums in his...she keeps leaving her kids weeks at the time...he is not parenting his D.

You are helping delay the reality time by picking up his slack at work while he spends a lot of money and by not taking steps towards separation of finances, leaving the business, and filing for divorce.

His favorite ice cream is chocolate and I'm the best darn chocolate ice cream he can get...when he gets tired of whatever he is having now LOL

You are Haagen-Daz, or better. She is freezer burned genric.

Mila, I think your H does some of the things he does because he can.

Bingo!!!

Mila, it seems you keep wanting to set boundaries on the peripheral things, receipts, covering while he vacations with OW, while not enforcing the only boundary that really matters – he is sleeping with another woman.

I would love to see your marriage saved. It sounds like he has been a good husband most of the time. Please don’t think I would suggest you consider moving forward because your marriage can’t be salvaged, rather it's because it may well be the most promising way to turn him back towards you. At this point, I don’t see that you have anything to lose by showing him that YOU are moving on. You are no longer waiting for HIM to decide your future. Even if you divorce and then he realizes what he has lost, you can still remarry. That happens fairly often.

Please be kind to yourself. You have been badly hurt and it’s okay to feel it. (((hugs)))