You are busy second-guessing, are you expecting too much, are you not enough, is he really flirting with other women on his work email?
Then you say: "He is patient, nice, caring but there are some red flags onec in a while that of course can ruin my mood for days.
He still hasnt told me he loves me. "
WTF?????
Do you really think YOU are the one with the problem here, when HE hasn't told you he loves you???? What kind of reconciliation is that?????
It's one thing, to take a straying spouse back when he professes his love for you, makes a commitment to work things out, bends over backwards to make it up to you. But you took back a guy who hasn't even told you he loves you?????
You're not expecting too much, dear. You're settling for too little.
When you were happily married, was he one to express words of affirmation?
I believe that you read too much coorespondence between him and her. It does not give him much opportunity to create new words for you. If he says something similar to you that he said to her, you may take it the wrong way.
Can you be happy with his actions which indirectly demonstrate his love for you?
Like Kerry, it seems to me that saying or not saying "I love you" does not necessarily translate to actually loving or not loving you. There are many ways to express love and the love languages model is probably just a subset of this. It may also be a cultural thing. If he was one to say "I love you" twice a day to you before and he's not doing it now I'd worry. I think its probably quite a struggle now for BOTH of you given his past deception and infidelity. But if the deception and flirting is actually going on you have to get to the bottom of it as soon as possible; this requires being smart thru' the emotional pain which is hard. Why not for now get some on-going help or if feasible tell him how you feel in a non-demanding or indirect way whenever a persistent/strong feeling takes hold of you and see where things go?
AGreed with Ellie. YOu are far too hard on yourself. Take it easy. It's like having PTSD overcoming being cheated on, left, etc. You are not going to get over it over night, even if there was a second honeymoon. The good feelings about you need to come from you!
It took a very long time after the affair and the reconciliation before my H said he loved me. And, I think he did it because I asked. But I know he loves me. I see it in the way he greets me when we've been separated, and the way he ML to me. And a lot of little ways. My H is not much of a talker. I accept that in him. On the other hand, I remember waiting all those months to hear him say it, and then wondering after why it made such a difference to me. i'm OK now without hearing it.
Hey Maria, I expect you are having some kind of tough/stressful week? I know I am! Damn planets :-) I think the pressure/waiting will ease up after the eclipse Sunday.
Its sad about your Dad, I'm thinking of you all. As for H.. I agree with others when they say yes he does love you and he shows that. And maybe he feels he doesnt have the 'right' to say it to you still, after what he did and the things you read about ow and him... but I am a little shocked he STILL doesnt say it. After everything that has happened, you do need that verbal reassurance.
You said that you try to talk to him and he sort of gets you off track, that he either doesnt answer or answers in a way that turns it around (sorry not explaining well) and you get distracted.
How about really trying hard to address JUST this aspect. Find a quiet time, away from family/work to talk about this? Tell him how you feel. Tell him, you believe he does love you from his actions, but its depressing and saddens you that he never tells you. Ask him if he loves you. Ask him whether he feels its important to tell your partner that you love them. Tell him you appreciate he has ernomous guilt which possibly blocks him but that that is just an assumption - ask him to explain why he doesnt say I love you. Dont give in. Dont let him meander off the topic. If he is silent, refuse to leave until he answers?? Just a suggestion sweets.
Hugs xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I dont know Ali. I have gotten tired of listening to myself without even speaking. I am thinking the same things over and over again that I have no strength to try once again to open up.
Forrest I dont have a plan. I dont know what to do. We had a fight yesterday and it got "out of hand" and he talked again about my character. He left to go to work and all I could think of was "damn me if I am going to accept any commets like that from you again, about MY character? If you still dont like my character well, get lost buddy!!".... I think I told him something like, "I like me if you dont like me, you have a problem to solve...".
I am re-reading PM. I am questioning my changes. I am doing work. K
It's been some tough love, but you really do, right? Perhaps that will open the flood gates or at least the tear ducts. I know its a risk you take, the fear of getting hurt again.
