So you mean you might be wanting to protect your H from having an uncomfortable conversation about the idea of reconciliation?
Yes, and having to deal with my feelings, period (something that he would almost certainly be totally uncomfortable with).
Originally Posted By: alice444
Do you believe him that there is no R there?
Yes. He's not that good an actor, and he would realize that it would come out eventually. He's going hiking for the weekend for his birthday and I would bet quite a bit of money that it's with someone who he's "dating"...but not "V". No clue who that would be.
Last edited by flowmom; 07/03/1003:22 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't know that all of that "stages" stuff means anything.
It's not supported by studies that have tracked larger populations of people going through such things.
It reminds me of how they used to say there were 5 stages of grief, and that idea was something one psycologist came up with while studying a few patients who didn't deal well with grieving.
In short, it confused the treatment model used to work with people who were not very resilient with the reality of what most people experience.
Columbia University has done some good studies on grieving if you think I am full of it.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Interesting TH. I found the book very helpful and interesting, but I take your point that the concept of "stages" has probably been overemphasized.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
(((FM))) Sorry you're having a tough day, just know it will pass and you'll be better tomorrow.
- 6-months is not set in stone or hold any scientific value so if you're not ready to decide you can extend it. If you are then you know you are...don't sweat it as if something will happen if you don't decide now. Some people have waited years and some have not so long- just all depends
- his b.day- again, up to you. My advice ignore it other than helping kids make him a card.
- you are a whole individual you don't need anyone else but sure it's nice to have family and friends around but you'll be OK. You'll be more than OK.
- no need to beat yourself up over the playdate issues, stuff happens with kids and I know you have an extra challenge with S7 but believe me we all have those days. You don't have to set up a playdate rightaway, give it a few days or a week(s) as you feel necessary.
- feeling lonely and mad...I know how that feels FM but all I can say is it's part of the process and while I can't say it won't happen again but it'll feel less intense.
- Sorry you're not feeling well and it's contributing to how you're feeling emotionally. I hope you get better soon.
I was stuck with internalizing what seemed like ages and I saw no way out of it. I remember you and others telling me to drop the rope but I couldn't figure out how. What happened then was STBXW turned into a gold-digging witch and taking me to the cleaners. Turning petty about $50 bills when I was paying her thousands. Even accusing me of things that never happened. I never expected this from her and couldn't believe it was the same person I shared my life with for almost a decade. So lately I've been listening to angry break up songs and feeling anger in general. I don't like it, I don't like the fact that she's doing this to me and how I could be so stupid and gullible but I guess according to the 5 stages it's progress. It'll happen, it'll happen on its own schedule and in its own way. All I can say is spending a decade with someone isn't always going to be rosey and we've all made mistakes but it was them that walked away not us. We would've moved mountains if they were honest to us and gave us a chance. Our lives weren't that bad that they had to just get up and leave...
((hugs))
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Another friend says that I need to actively work on cultivating rage against stbxh. Sigh. Not sure how I would do that. My eyes are open to his faults and they have been for a long time. But there's a disconnect between my intellectual understanding of his faults and shortcomings and betrayals...and my emotional reaction to those. Any input?
FM I think that others assume we need to experience rage to get to full detachment/acceptance. I have to admit, although my anger has been coming and going since April, it really has helped me to push stbxh farther away.
As for the disconnect between intellectual understanding and your emotional reaction...any chance you are protecting your H by "understanding" how and why he could do this and by not feeling the betrayal? Like not holding him accountable?
Also I remember reading somewhere that some of us deal with tragedy and fear by intellectualizing it...we numb ourselves to the pain by not feeling and just thinking.
I am going to go back and see if you mentioned the title of the coparenting book in your thread.
Take care this weekend FM! I learn so much from you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us.
(am sleep deprived so please excuse the errors in grammar, etc.)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks Romeo. Do you think that it would have been harder to get to anger if you saw your W's actions as honourable?
Originally Posted By: newmama
As for the disconnect between intellectual understanding and your emotional reaction...any chance you are protecting your H by "understanding" how and why he could do this and by not feeling the betrayal? Like not holding him accountable?
Also I remember reading somewhere that some of us deal with tragedy and fear by intellectualizing it...we numb ourselves to the pain by not feeling and just thinking.
Yes, I think you've nailed it newmama...thanks.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Very interesting article TH...thanks. It made me think about H actually...I had a lot of judgements about his apparently not grieving the deaths of two of his brothers during our relationship.
It's worth noting however, that SWIRL refers to the stages of abandonment, which has been looked at as overlapping but differing in many respects to grieving to a death. I have found the insights of this book very helpful:
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
