NEXT week ask her what specific direction she's going to be giving him so you know if its HER instruction or just your WS playing roller coaster again...
NEXT week ask her what specific direction she's going to be giving him so you know if its HER instruction or just your WS playing roller coaster again...
H came home - ate some dinner quickly - and despite me sitting right in the living room, spoke a few words and then headed straight into the office to play XBox. So much for his pleasant email this morning.
About 3 hours a night since all this began 2 months ago. He's always put in hours here and there, but it's an every night thing these days. It's his escape - from reality, from me, from his responsibiities, I guess.
To add: he honestly doesn't appear up to anything else, just playing that darn XBox. The kids pop in and out of there - and of course, I do too at times. Nothing ever seems suspicious. He's never on the computer or on his phone...so, I can only believe he truly is playing XBox all that time. Crazy.
H didn't come to bed til 2:30am. He hugged the edge of the mattress for awhile and at some point, got up and went to sleep in the office. I mean, on the floor - with 2 thin blankets! Can't be very comfortable.
Sure would like to know what happened in that counseling session to take him back to feeling more hopeless in the marriage. Like I said previously, maybe she held his feet to the fire and he doesn't like it. Maybe he is subconsciously testing me to see if I really am strong enough to let him go - who knows. I know I have to be stronger now than ever but it's difficult when their actions make you that much sadder yet you have to be even tougher.
I guess my plan of actio is not to bring up talk of R or the session. However, if he brings it up I will stay rational and reiterate that until he is willing to be an open book, nothing will work in restoring what was good between us.
Until you get more info from your FT it's best to steer clear of him... I really don't like that you weren't given any guidelines for the week with teh FT here... They just agreed to talk to your H after you and you got no direction or indication of what the battle plan is... not impressed...
He isn't feeling hopeless "in the marriage".. he FEELS HOPELESS.. PERIOD... big difference...
He BLAMES the marraige for how he feels... THAT is the distinction here...
People have feelings, they don't have feelings "in the marriage"...
I suspect the FT MAY have introduced him to the marriage myths or to the divorce myths...
This IS going to leave him off blance... A LOT of WS get their hopes up that an end to the marriage is going to make all their hopelessness and anxiety go away... Your FT may just have began to educate him that he's expecting too much from a piece of paper...
That's a WILD GUESS... I will admit again I do not like this "hidden agenda" business with the FT... you should know exaclty how she is going to be directing him and the content of each session from her end... HIS end can be private, but you SHOULD know what is being done in each session
A GOOD FT will realize if they do NOT let you konw what's going on this will AGGRAVATE anxiety that you likely already have... eventually making you ILL... For health reasons alone your FT should be putting you more in the loop...
Sorry, I don't mean to knock your FT, but you have a right to know how they are tinkering with your marriage... And them keeping you in the dark is going to give you additional alxiety... and LBS' already HAVE anxiety from their marriage being threatened by divorce... they don't need MORE.
Thanks, Allen. Good input. I will talk to her about that and may move my appt. up in the week so I can speak with her sooner. Frankly, I think she feels I am coping so well that she wasn't really worried about me. She commented on how amazingly I am dealing with things. It's all because I have such a great support system - coming here and talking with my best friend every day.... and I do have a battle plan. It makes me feel in control of my life and the anxiety I have would be much worse without all of this! Anyway, her thoughts were really that she needed to have her session with him first to come up with anything further. Since H is all over the place, it's not like we know exactly what we're dealing with. Hopefully she was able to formulate more based on that session. She even told me that she does not believe in and will not be a "secret keeper". She does not believe in working through things in a hidden manner. This, in fact, may have brought out his actions, actually. If he feels he has to disclose everything to me - no wonder he is acting the way he is!
You also may be right in that she may have booted his idea that cutting and running would solve all his misery.
I agree that it would have been better for me to have some direction for the week. However, I do think the FT is not soft and will give me that direction next session. She's on board - or at least certainly seemed to be - with everything I discussed with her. Doesn't mean I can't add direction to it though. Him not saying anything about any of it does make me wonder if he intends to go back though. (He also is going out of town on business for a few days next week. So, we'll see.)
I don't believe the FT is soft either, but I don't like that you weren't given much direction on how to behave with him... distant or friendly? etc... Did they give you any plan at all?
If the first session was just information gathering then him talking about how he feels may just have him stirred up on his own...
The fact taht he's GOING is giong to affect his mood... His feelings are tapped into that he may not want poked at... He has to accept that he may remain in his marriage (FT DOES DO that from time to time)... etc
Just try to humour him until you can get more info...
I hope the FT is good at detecting lies... I suspect he may try to withold a lot of info from her...
Oh - she seems really capable of picking through lies. She is used to dealing with 8 hour intense sessions....and says when someone says X, Y, or Z her first question is, "Who's the other woman/man?!"
The first session with her for me was almost 2 hours - not your typical 50 min. She spent the first part getting all the basics and then going into more specifics.
We did talk about how I'd been acting towards him: aloof yet friendly - some of both - and she said to continue doing what I'm doing. So, I guess it isn't like there isn't any direction. I guess I just wished I'd talked to her more about how I'm to be if he's A or B or C.
