SOTR, just so you know... lots of us have been down the path you are choosing to keep going down, and I have yet to hear of it working out in the end for anybody.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I do have to disagree with one thing you said Coach. I ABSOLUTLEY feel if she had given me that diary like she intended, I most certainly would have at least been aware of things and started making serious efforts, including getting us into counseling ASAP.
What you need to understand is that it doesn't matter. What you would have done is absolutely irrelevant. What matters is that she clearly believed that that would not have happened. You really need to be able to make that distinction.
Then WHY bother writing the words , adressed to ME, practically BEGGING me to "wake up " before it was to late if she didnt really feel that way then ? She wrote 4 freaking pages addressed to me, obviously intending for me to READ THEM THEN. Same thing happened once before when our DD was coming, only that time she actually wrote me a letter after an argument and actually gave it to me and things got better.
I cant explain why she didnt give it to me this time, most likely completely lost track of where the damn thing even was, it was totally coindence that I found it in a bag of cards we got when the baby was born. This diary thing doesnt read like a cathartic thing just for her, she MEANT for me to read it. She was trying to reach out to me then in the only way she knew how. The one time I know she's actually honest with her feelings is when she writes.
Obviously its irrelevent NOW. I just cant understand why if she was trying so desperately to reach me back in October, she didnt make sure I saw what she wrote to me when it would have done some good thats all. She wrote that she DIDNT want this to happen and was crying out to me to stop it. If she didnt want it to happen, then it makes NO sense to not be 100 percent sure I got the "letter"
I cant explain why she didnt give it to me this time,
Wait for it...
Quote:
most likely completely lost track of where the damn thing even was
Feel the love.
We want you to drop the rope and stop trying to change her and make your own changes just for yourself because we want you to heal. You need to let go of expecting any outcome or reaction from her just so you can heal enough to detach and let venom like this go.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
"That may very well be true Mr Bond, but they dont mean anywhere near as much to me as they would if it brings WAW back to me. "
Then your "changes" aren't sincere. If you're only doing them for her, then IF you get back together again and things get comfortable, you're going to go right back to the way things were before.
This is the reason why your W can see right through your "changes". No one makes a lifelong change to themselves just for another person. It's something they WANT to do because the feel it makes them a better person as a whole. Not because they think it's going to get them something.
And there in is the distinction for ME. Will all these changes result in my being a better person ? Clearly. Will that be as fulfilling to me being that different person if WAW and family arent part of it ? NOT EVEN CLOSE. Im going to do it regardless, already have, but the reward isnt as sweet without the WAW and my family intact.
I cant explain why she didnt give it to me this time,
Wait for it...
Quote:
most likely completely lost track of where the damn thing even was
Feel the love.
We want you to drop the rope and stop trying to change her and make your own changes just for yourself because we want you to heal. You need to let go of expecting any outcome or reaction from her just so you can heal enough to detach and let venom like this go.
Thats just it though. Im NOT trying to "change her". Im just trying to figure out why she didnt give me something she clearly wanted me to have, so I could have at least tried to stop this from happening when it would have made a difference. At least back in Oct she felt it was still possible for me to change and be who she needed me to be.
Serious question. Would it help if I copied the journal entries she made verbatim and posted them ?
Would it help if I copied the journal entries she made verbatim and posted them ?
No, it's irrelevant at this point. That was then, and this is now.
Everything you are doing--trying to figure this thing about the journal out and why she didn't give it to you, wondering why she doesn't appreciate your changes, and so on--all screams "why won't you change your mind?!".
You will say you aren't doing that, and then you will turn around and contradict yourself.
What she decides to do should have nothing at all to do with what you are going to do. You should do what you are going to do because you have decided it is the right thing to do and only because it is the right thing for you to do. It's not about whether or not she ever even says a kind word to you or gives you the time of day.
History is an angel And the angel wants to go back And repair things That have been broken But there's a wind Blowing out of Paradise And the angel keeps getting Blown backward Into the future And this wind Is called Progress--Laurie Anderson
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/03/1002:56 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I cant explain why she didnt give it to me this time,
Wait for it...
Quote:
most likely completely lost track of where the damn thing even was
Feel the love.
We want you to drop the rope and stop trying to change her and make your own changes just for yourself because we want you to heal. You need to let go of expecting any outcome or reaction from her just so you can heal enough to detach and let venom like this go.
Bolded by me. Explain TH ??? "venom like this " referring to MY use of the word "damn" ?? Or where you referring to my other post relating the way she has responded to all the changes ?
She did say two weeks ago she didnt want to know anything more about them, because everyone just tears another piece of her heart out. Obviously NOT the reaction I was expecting. Saying what she said about them sounds so............"defeatist" in her mind. Almost like she's already decided we can NEVER try to fix things and she's already accepted that someone else will get the benefit of her trials and tribulations.
I know, I know. Dont mind read and only listen to half of what they say. I guess I just thought that though she might be REALLY mad and hurt, the changes might have been something that would give her a spark of hope. Read somewhere that is the death of HOPE that spurs someone to walk.
It's normal for WAS to get angry when you start making changes they wanted you to make and asked you to make, but you wouldn't listen.
And in their mind (and they might be right--who knows?), you are only doing it because they left, and they only left because they were tired of waiting. So... it angers them.
Now, you should stop "telling" her about your changes. You just change. It will be self-evident.
As for the bolded content... it seemed like a shot at her: she lost track of the damn thing, right?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/03/1003:01 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Serious question. What does it matter at this point?
I dunno. I guess maybe Im feeling the 2x4's and wanted to show that I wasnt reading to much into things. Feels like some are saying something like " if she really wanted you to have it she would have made sure you got it" I think it was Coach that said she had already detached at the time it was written, and the actual words Im holding in my hands simply dont jive with that mindset. They clearly scream to me that she was trying to reach me and wanted me to know how she felt before it was to late and that she felt when she wrote it that I could still turn things around.
She basically made a list of things she needed from me and then never gave it to me ! Its almost like having a cleaning lady come over and you dont bother to leave her a list of what you want done and then you fire her for not just knowing what you wanted. Sorry if thats a crappy analogy
