Bluestar, that's a really good suggestion, I'll do that. Thank you!
G450, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your input and support it's nice to have you guys here who can relate, understand and set me straight.
G, thanks for saying all the kind words. I guess it's a roller coaster and sometimes it really comes barreling down. As I wrote before and BBJ and CTH related to it, I don't really know how I should've acted. Even now I'm not sure what would be considered the right behavior in these types of situations.
Now I'm struggling to come up with the correct response to her email about more stuff she wants. I'm ok with what she's asking for but I want to say it in a way that kinda makes up for yesterday...that shows confidence and the as-if attitude.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Been listening to a new song over and over again and these lyrics are playing in my head today:
And I just can't keep living this way So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage I'm standing up, Imma face my demons I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground I've had enough, now I'm so fed up Time to put my life back together right now
Wanna guess who and what song?
Probably not something most of you guys listen to...
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Been listening to a new song over and over again and these lyrics are playing in my head today:
And I just can't keep living this way So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage I'm standing up, Imma face my demons I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground I've had enough, now I'm so fed up Time to put my life back together right now
Wanna guess who and what song?
Probably not something most of you guys listen to...
I know the song and the artist. I like him sooo much better since he got his head on straight and priorities right...
I haven't forgotten about you...it's just that your tale of woe is so disheartening that by the time I've read through it, I'm too depressed to write anything. However, there are a few things I need to share.
1. In answer to your question, I said it was time to "man up" because this is where it gets ugly and manipulative. What I meant by the phrase was that you've got to disconnect for a bit, put on the hard shell, and be tough (looks like that didn't happen, though). If you don't she'll eat you alive.
2. Lots of people end up doing it, but you need to make sure you don't get into the "maybe s/he doesn't want me, but I'll show my kid who the better...more fun...more exciting...parent is and that'll fix her/him." This almost always backfires and you're starting to do and say things that smack of this error.
I could be wrong, but I'd bet your best childhood memories are of more simple things. Let me give you an example. One year when I was young (and my folks were poor), they took me to Disneyland (I'm not local so it was a big deal). I rode Pirates of the Caribbean until I was out of E tickets (I suppose you're too young to remember those). It was great.
Another year, we went to the beach. One night I walked to the corner store with my father (it was a few blocks away). Just us two. He was picking up a few groceries for my mother and he bought me an ice cream sandwich that I ate walking back home.
Care to guess which memory is more precious to me? The second...hands down. I remember both events, but the second one holds so much meaning for me in a way the first one never will. Who cares if the party is at some expensive place or it's just you and your daughter. What counts is the two of you together. I'd bet she'll remember that long after the party du jour has faded into the background.
3. I agree with the other folks and the nice/control issue. It a sort of mild version of physical abuse. They hit you, then later apologize or bring you flowers, or what have you. It keeps you on the line thinking, "maybe that was the worst of it, s/he'll be better next time". 'Course they never are.
4. Divorce is a lot like Alzheimer's...the physical presence is still there, the same as it always was, but the person inside is gone. That's why seeing your STBXW is so difficult. You see something that looks like what you used to have. Problem is, it's only an illusion. Inside she's no longer what you knew...what you loved. You need to focus on remembering this.
It's not juvenile to reclaim your own space and domain.
It's maybe a little reactionary to get angry in order to do it. You should do it because, gosh darn it, it is YOUR space, and your WAS gave up any and all claims to it and what you do with it when they walked out.
Make your home your personal place of power, your sanctuary. That's not a bad idea at all.
And if that means a drum set in the corner of the living room and pictures of dogs playing poker, then so be it. Whatever floats your boat.
BTW, I know this isn't going to go over well on a support forum for people trying to save their marriages (but sometimes your best chance to save something is just to let go completely, think of it as over, give yourself closure and permission to move forward with your life with or without the WAS), but it really is just a divorce.
You didn't die, come down with some horrible disfiguring illness that left you bedridden and broken. It's just divorce. It's only frightening if you make it frightening.
For now... you have permission from the whole Universe to be YOU and do what YOU want without compromising YOURSElF in order to please somebody who doesn't care about YOU.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/03/1012:07 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Romeo, it's weird to have stuff leaving the family home. Fortunately my STBXH did it somewhat gradually, which probably made it easier for the kids. Try to rearrange things to avoid feeling like there are "holes" where the stuff used to be...that helped me a lot. And I'm enjoying the additional space .
Perhaps you could do a decorating project with your D. Something small and fun. Go to the library and look at books with her for ideas. My kids love that kind of thing...go figure
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
When W and I separated it was me taking stuff out, what a painful time that was. I remember the day before taking things out of the cabinet I was taking, the kids arts and crafts projects, family photos etc. I'd do one shelf, sit down and cry then get up do the next one. I had my brother come over to be with me on moving day in case I fell apart. I didn't, but it was such a horrible feeling knowing that the neighbours were watching as my stuff goes into the moving van. It's a public display of failure or that's how it felt. My point, be glad it's not you having to move stuff out!
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