Hello everyone. I've read a whole slew of posts and responses. I've read the first chapter of Divorce Busting. I've ordered the book and anxiously await its arrival. I've set up an appointment to call one of the counselors. I'm taking it step by step, day by day.
Truth is, as much as it hurts right now and I think no one else has a wife like mine and my problematic marriage has failed, my story is not very different at all. The difference is, I have come to terms with the fact that I have screwed up too much and now I'm not exactly sure how to go about making the changes to me, for me, to save us. Ok, the nutshell story: My wife and I have been together for 12 years. We started dating on 29JUN1998. We had our first daughter on 28JUN1999. We soon slipped away from each other and she started an affair. After I found out about it we agreed to work on each other and try to fix our problems. It worked, with the help of a wonderful counselor, and we got married on 29JUN2001; our three year aniversary. We had another little girl on 26JUN2002, relocated, relocated again, had another little girl on 23JUN2004 (see a pattern?) and again started drifting apart. After our third child, I fell victim to an emotional affair. She knew my problems, she understood, she comforted, all that good stuff. My wife finally stopped playing the fool and asked me who it was I would text all hours of the night. I lied and thought I was getting away with it. Then I accidentally left my email open and she saw the truth. Believe it or not, we agreed to fix ourselves. Got more counseling, got better and the cycle started over. Hell, she even fell victim to a possible emotional affair at one point. I have relocated again, but this time leaving my wife and kids behind for a two year tour in another state. We couldn’t sell the house and the girls are in a great school. It seemed logical. There was encounters of hers that I would question because her new friends were mostly guys. Only one guy I had a problem with because I asked him to excuse himself from my house at a reasonable time. Even though my wife didn’t tell him to leave, he stayed and disrespected my house rules. I wasn’t there and had never met him so I told my wife to delete him from her friend bank because I’m not exactly keen on blatent disrespect. Up until a week ago I was deployed to a particular sandbox. I got a bad vibe from my wife’s Facebook posts and from our conversations that her drinking may have increased. I asked one of her friends who decided to right me a three page email of all the accusations that “all of her friends” think she may be doing. I fell into it. It played against my emotions. I was deployed and all I know is that my next door neighbor is telling me my wife parties too hard, leaves the kids alone and might be involved somehow with another guy. I broke into her Facebook and saw emails that I didn’t like. The problem was, I read nothing what she wrote, only what the ex boyfriend wrote. And I didn’t like it. I had to practically beg her friends to talk to her and find out what is going on. Two of them finally did before I confronted her. Again, another problem. I went about it all wrong. I went off of information that a very strange and vindictive neighbor gave me. I didn’t believe it per say, but I always ask to get clarification. And if I don’t get clarification that sounds right, I’ll dig deeper. When I finally told my wife I had seen emails in her Facebook, that was it. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had destroyed her privacy. Had I found something damning, it may have been different. But what I didn’t see was that NOTHING was going on that I needed to worry about. Even from where I was. Regardless, she told me it was over. I came home right after that. I couldn’t keep my head in the game to feel safe enough to keep my guys safe. While I was waiting for my flight, everything hit me. My lightswitch was turned on. All these years and I had expected my wife to change, not me. She saved our marriage once by flying out, on a whim, to spend alone time with me. And I waited for her to change. I had forgiven her for the affair but I couldn’t let go of her and I didn’t feel comfortable letting her go out and make friends without me. I trusted her, just not some of her decision making or her ability to keep out of bad, vulnerable situations. I realized that I was mostly responsible for breaking this marriage apart. It was me all this time that needed to change. We just filed for seperation today. Possibly the most painful thing I’ve ever done. She has told me she is through and that there is no chance for “us” anymore. I told her I intend to prove her wrong. I have at least 12 months to get me right. I should get my book in tomorrow and I can go to town on it. I have been trying to stay close to her and it obviously doesn’t work. I’m not going to change her mind right now. But I am very interested in hearing if anyone else has been in this situation where you know you screwed up and you’re not being given a “last chance”, even after you’ve had your eyes opened wide for once in 12 years! I think a possible advantage here is that I have to go back overseas and then I might be able to move back in January. That leaves 6 months of actual, physical seperation. I can work on me. I’m just concerned, even though she knows I’m going to work hard, that she may look for the greener grass.
So do you think it was OW's fault that the EA happened? I noticed you used the same expression of your W falling victim to an EA herself. Do you really think either one of you fell victim?
Seems like a lot of stuff has gone on. Doesn't mean that things couldn't work out in the future but until that pattern isn't broken, it will continue to be a repeat.
Being able to see our mistakes and learn is valuable. Time apart may be good for both of you to do work on yourselves.
If you don't get much response in this forum, you may want to try the Newcomers. Just try to shorten the post. People use to tell me I wrote novels, but then I discovered some just don't like reading long ones, so I try to keep it down.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Being able to see our mistakes and learn is valuable. Time apart may be good for both of you to do work on yourselves.
Awww heck, Sandi! They're both just poor victims!
It couldn't be they make bad choices and get emotionally involved with people outside of their marriage. They're victims, darn it.
They have no fences around their hearts, and any old anybody predator can waltz right in and run off with their hearts. Somebody needs to report these thefts
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I fell victim to an emotional affair
See? He's a victim.
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she even fell victim to a possible emotional affair at one point.
And she's a possible victim.
Who is going to protect this marriage of victims?
Who we gonna call? DivorceBusters! [cue Ghostbusters music]
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/03/1001:27 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Hmm, thank you for the replies. And the writing advice. I kinda saw that coming. But you guys know that if you leave out too much detail, one could be confused and seen as giving a biased, one-sided story. I just wante everyone to understand, I'm seriously at fault for a lot of the breakdowns in our recovery efforts.
As far as the use of the word "victim", perhaps wrong. I got into the relationship. My wife did as well. We both take responsibility for it and neither of us are so petty to try and use anything else (especially our own emotions) as a crutch to throw the blame on. I did it, I got busted, I'm not proud. And if I hadn't been busted, it probably would have gotten physical.
Again, if recovery procedures were done right and regular maintenance was conducted, we'd probably be a well oiled machine to this date. I stumbled and now I need to put all the pieces back together so I can do my part in making this marriage work!
She has told me she is through and that there is no chance for “us” anymore. I told her I intend to prove her wrong.
Stop arguing with her. Memorize this phrase for starters: "I'm sorry you feel that way".
The only person you can change is YOU. You changing will not change her. You need to change though, and that has to be your focus.
You need to post details about how often you two communicate ordinarily.
If there's an affair, there's no chance of saving this while the affair is on-going, and I don't know enough of your situation, and you aren't in the best position to gather intel.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/03/1001:38 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Well Timeheals, I'll put it this way, ifthere IS an affair, I will probably not go through trying to patch this up. I can't do it again. I'm not in a good position period for "gathering intel". I tried that once and I screwed it up. I could easily grab her phone and check out what she talks to people about but that is much more damaging than anything. Bottom line, I'm not in this to prove her being bad. If she is, it will present itself in due time. Hell, I got 12 months!
But yeah, I agree, I gotta fix me. I'm very concerned for myself. My wife is on antidepressant and anxiety meds. I kinda think that perhaps I might need some ofthis good stuff too. I'm going to go see a Dr. this week to get checked out because I feel the heavy anxiety and I feel depression coming on.
Well, I haven't drank in over 3 months. No alcohol were I've been. And now, I'm just not in the mood. And it's a good thing.
This should be easy now. I cannot continue to go on with this. I've made up my mind that she does need to be on her own...or at least NOT with me. She went out tonight (still out) and she left her Facebook open. I found the evidence. I absolutely refuse to go through this pain again. I apologize if I wasted time with that huge write-up. But I do still need to focus on me because it still hurts.
But to think, she was willing to let me fall on my own sword and take all the blame while she was having an affair during my combat operations in the desert. Nice, huh? I thought it only happened in the movies!
I stumbled and now I need to put all the pieces back together so I can do my part in making this marriage work!
Ah, that sounds much more like a military man!
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I cannot continue to go on with this. I've made up my mind that she does need to be on her own...or at least NOT with me.
We want to support you where we can, so are you saying that you do not plan to get back with your W? If she dropped OM and worked on herself, would you want the M then?
We need to know what you want from the board so we can apply encouragement in the right area.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
