WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[gutwrenching]

Sandi,
I think it was more than the trip. It was the stress of the move, stress of new job, it was the guilt that hit her...she is very guilt ridden all of a sudden (I've not paid enough attention to girls, I've done too much harm to our M, I've done a crappy job at work, etc), so guilt + stress + reality that it was really going to be over + who knows what from OM.

Am I suspicious, not much. It seemed genuine. There is a family history of depression. Comments like I don't what to write the girls and I have nothing to look forward too...

And I didn't completely drop the rope. She knew that I still wanted to work on M and she had to commit to working on it and that I would help define working on it...if she did that, she could come with us...
But I was ready to move on and fight for the kids. She knew that...I even had 4 lawyers ready to talk too...

And the fact she confided the same thing to a mutual friend the next day...who then came and told me...

I don't know. I can't take the risk if she isn't faking.

I got our mutual friend to mention hormone therapy, since it doesn't go over well when I mention it.

This weekend we are going camping with the kids for a couple of days to just get away from the stress then start packing again. That seems to have lifted her spirits and gives her something to be needed for.

Thanks for the support and words Lotus and Sandi.
Will try to be better with updates. But my life is insane and just got more insane with this new twist as I have to take on even more of getting us out of here.

i'm just praying that medication will do her some good. She is at least admitting now that she needs medication and help.

[sandi2]

She is at least admitting now that she needs medication and help.

I see that as a very positive step! When a person won't seek what's needed then it's hard to help them.

I believe that this R has a very good chance of surviving if she will follow through with what the doctor prescribes.

[gutwrenching]

And the wild week continues. What I didn't mention in my update is one day prior to the breakdown, she had confided in a male friend of both of ours that she had told me she wanted a D. He is very close friend to both of us. He gave her a lot of advice and a lot to think about. This was on Monday. Tuesday the breakdown.

Then Friday things start changing drastically, and I didn't see it coming. She comes home from work on Friday and kisses me. We start our camping trip and she is initiating affection and touching. Saturday morning she tells me about telling our mutual friend and some things he said hit home...and she wants to know if I am still willing to work on M because she isn't ready to give up yet and wants to work on it.

The two things she tells me impacted her the most were his advice to be able to look in a mirror and say you gave it 100% and he told her that your heart doesn't have a brain, so don't try to think with your heart, think with your brain about what you have, what you would give up, and what the situation really is. Great advice IMO, to combat my W and lack of feelings.

So I tell her I am willing to continue to work on our M if she is truly committed.

The last 72 hours have been incredible. ML for first time in over 8 months. She tells me she is genuinely happy. There hasn't been a negative or stressful moment. I have heard her say she is trying before and seen some effort, but nothing like this.

She is also suggesting we go ahead and rent a place that requires two incomes instead of one. This is a bigger action/sign than anything. She refused to consider two income houses previously even when "trying" because she was so certain there is no way we would make more than 6 months.

The physical part is also big, considering for the past 8 months or so I have heard nothing but how even the thought of getting intimate or physical disgusts her...and for her to have initiated every bit of the intimacy each time is amazing. I even suggested we slow down at one point, to which her reply was, but your my husband, I want to do this.

So...we might actually be piecing at this point...

[Lotus]

Ask her now to go to Retrouvaille with you. I know you are busy moving, but find a way to do the weekend, even if you cannot do the follow-up. I am happy that she finally broke down a part of the wall, but you need to build on this or it can all slide right back to where it was.

[gutwrenching]

Lotus - good advice. We talked about it just a little last night. W brings up subject...she says to me I think we need to do MC still. I said I agree or how about the weekend program I told you about. She said "ok"
This is quite a change from even a week ago. In the past, MC was either no, or she admits the couple of times she verbally agreed to it, it was only so that I could check a square and move on. Now she brings up the subject.

Now, to be honest, there is no way humanly possible to do any of this till September at the earliest. It just isn't possible. It is unfortunate, but there is no way around it. Packing up our house next week, then hit the road for the move, arrive at next location in early to mid Aug, still have to find a place to live...then get our stuff moved in...

Wish there were some other way, but simply there is not

[gutwrenching]

Well, the "honeymoon" stage is over, and now the stress of the move has set in full force...so now things get interesting and thus challenging. I wouldn't say W is committed to making M work, just committed to give it a try...trying is the word she uses all the time.

Talk of any future events--long range--6 month, year or more is awkward at this point. I can hear the uncertainty. I guess this is good. Before it was rarely spoken out loud, and when it was there was a lot of "I" with W.

[flowmom]

GW, I am rooting for you. There are some very encouraging signs and it sounds like you are handling it really well

[gutwrenching]

Everything just went down the drain. She decided she wasn't sure about trying any more. She went on long drive came back in tears, saying she was broke. She doesn't know what is wrong with her. Over and over about she is broke and she has to figure out what is wrong. Doesn't know if I can be around while she does this.

This led to talk of severe guilt. Guilt seems to be what stops her from working on things. Guilt of secrets of the past. Other As. She told me about all of them. PA and EA. Most recent has been only EA she swears, and since she filled me on the PA of others...

Says current EA is over. They still exchange an email every once in a while, last time being 10 days ago.

We were up very late. She slept on the couch, her choice

She thinks she has destroyed the M. Says now that everything is in the open, she doesn't think the M can go on. She said when I didn't know, the M could go on. But she still waffles. Today she and I both agreed that we each need to figure out if we can do this or not. I also told her that we had to get everything in the open if we had any chance to move forward. No more secrets.

She says I deserve better. I said I do, but maybe that better is a new M for both of us, I'm not sure, but yes I deserve better.

Her depression is bad. She did call doc today. I am a wreck too. Tough hearing all this especially with how incredibly well things were going. Roller coaster doesn't do this one justice. This is literally falling off a cliff.

I had to fight off feelings of depression this morning.

I am not sure if I can handle all this or not. I still love her, still want her healed, but can I ever think about anything other than what she told me. I think maybe, but I don't know.

[DanF]

Not sure what to tell you gutwrenching, as I am only about a month into this myself, but I really feel for you. For all of this to come out like this and at this point has to be devastating.

I hope you and W can each find your way to what it is you want out of life and this R and work towards it eithr together, or individually, whatever you decide.

Hang in there and wait for some of the pros to ive you better advice. I actually see her breaking down and telling you all of this as a positive step in that she is coming clean. Maybe she really does want this to work with you, but will have a very hard time overcoming the guilt. You will have to help her tremendously if this is what you really want.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

[Deep]

I read your last post and I just had to take time off the pile of emails to be written and post here.

Look, a lot of the folks here have a lot in common and also a lot that is unique. I'll say it's the same for you and me.

Reading my signature line makes it seem like I reached some kind of DB nirvana or something in some ways that I "made it". It's not like that at all. A M is a perpetual work in progress, infidelity a near-mortal blow of which the scars remain exactly that - scars. We work to make sure it does not remain a gaping wound.

I remember the agony. I still have negative feelings about the betrayal. It sounds like you got hit with a series of further blows and I would not want to sound like I disrespect that, but I think I at least understand the general scale of your pain.

I wanted to share with you that my W went through a few periods taht had elements of what your W seems to be going through. Times when she said the sheer horror of what she had done could never be gotten past. Times when she told me she really saw no way we could move past this, that I deserved so much better.

Times when we had screaming fights where her main point was that I would never, ever truly forgive her. Times when she would cry over our kids and how they would suffer when our M broke down inevitably. Times when she said she could never ever promise faithfulness again because life had proven her a liar and she did not feel deserving to be making any promises of any sort.

Times when she would OD and drink to drown the pain, our pain. One time when the OD ended in the ER.

I say "periods" because in between some real healing and positivity took place.

You could be right, this could be that one way ticket down the cliff. Just be open and don't lose hope. You have been doing amazingly well, keep faith that this could be another down point that you could come back from.

We all get discouraged and beaten down at times. Believe in yourself that you'll find a way back somehow, whatever that way may be.