Hello everyone. I've read a whole slew of posts and responses. I've read the first chapter of Divorce Busting. I've ordered the book and anxiously await its arrival. I've set up an appointment to call one of the counselors. I'm taking it step by step, day by day.
Truth is, as much as it hurts right now and I think no one else has a wife like mine and my problematic marriage has failed, my story is not very different at all. The difference is, I have come to terms with the fact that I have screwed up too much and now I'm not exactly sure how to go about making the changes to me, for me, to save us. Ok, the nutshell story: My wife and I have been together for 12 years. We started dating on 29JUN1998. We had our first daughter on 28JUN1999. We soon slipped away from each other and she started an affair. After I found out about it we agreed to work on each other and try to fix our problems. It worked, with the help of a wonderful counselor, and we got married on 29JUN2001; our three year aniversary. We had another little girl on 26JUN2002, relocated, relocated again, had another little girl on 23JUN2004 (see a pattern?) and again started drifting apart. After our third child, I fell victim to an emotional affair. She knew my problems, she understood, she comforted, all that good stuff. My wife finally stopped playing the fool and asked me who it was I would text all hours of the night. I lied and thought I was getting away with it. Then I accidentally left my email open and she saw the truth. Believe it or not, we agreed to fix ourselves. Got more counseling, got better and the cycle started over. Hell, she even fell victim to a possible emotional affair at one point. I have relocated again, but this time leaving my wife and kids behind for a two year tour in another state. We couldn’t sell the house and the girls are in a great school. It seemed logical. There was encounters of hers that I would question because her new friends were mostly guys. Only one guy I had a problem with because I asked him to excuse himself from my house at a reasonable time. Even though my wife didn’t tell him to leave, he stayed and disrespected my house rules. I wasn’t there and had never met him so I told my wife to delete him from her friend bank because I’m not exactly keen on blatent disrespect. Up until a week ago I was deployed to a particular sandbox. I got a bad vibe from my wife’s Facebook posts and from our conversations that her drinking may have increased. I asked one of her friends who decided to right me a three page email of all the accusations that “all of her friends” think she may be doing. I fell into it. It played against my emotions. I was deployed and all I know is that my next door neighbor is telling me my wife parties too hard, leaves the kids alone and might be involved somehow with another guy. I broke into her Facebook and saw emails that I didn’t like. The problem was, I read nothing what she wrote, only what the ex boyfriend wrote. And I didn’t like it. I had to practically beg her friends to talk to her and find out what is going on. Two of them finally did before I confronted her. Again, another problem. I went about it all wrong. I went off of information that a very strange and vindictive neighbor gave me. I didn’t believe it per say, but I always ask to get clarification. And if I don’t get clarification that sounds right, I’ll dig deeper. When I finally told my wife I had seen emails in her Facebook, that was it. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had destroyed her privacy. Had I found something damning, it may have been different. But what I didn’t see was that NOTHING was going on that I needed to worry about. Even from where I was. Regardless, she told me it was over. I came home right after that. I couldn’t keep my head in the game to feel safe enough to keep my guys safe. While I was waiting for my flight, everything hit me. My lightswitch was turned on. All these years and I had expected my wife to change, not me. She saved our marriage once by flying out, on a whim, to spend alone time with me. And I waited for her to change. I had forgiven her for the affair but I couldn’t let go of her and I didn’t feel comfortable letting her go out and make friends without me. I trusted her, just not some of her decision making or her ability to keep out of bad, vulnerable situations. I realized that I was mostly responsible for breaking this marriage apart. It was me all this time that needed to change. We just filed for seperation today. Possibly the most painful thing I’ve ever done. She has told me she is through and that there is no chance for “us” anymore. I told her I intend to prove her wrong. I have at least 12 months to get me right. I should get my book in tomorrow and I can go to town on it. I have been trying to stay close to her and it obviously doesn’t work. I’m not going to change her mind right now. But I am very interested in hearing if anyone else has been in this situation where you know you screwed up and you’re not being given a “last chance”, even after you’ve had your eyes opened wide for once in 12 years! I think a possible advantage here is that I have to go back overseas and then I might be able to move back in January. That leaves 6 months of actual, physical seperation. I can work on me. I’m just concerned, even though she knows I’m going to work hard, that she may look for the greener grass.
