WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[gutwrenching]

Been a long time since I posted. My life has been insanely busy and my sitch continues its ups and downs and then took a major twist.

After surgery things were going well, we were trying, borderline piecing. Then I discover contact with OM again...another trac phone, in the middle of us doing better than we have since the bomb was dropped. Tell W I will not stand for the disrespect, we are either trying or we are done but there is no trying with OM. I spy and see e-mail confirming what she told me, ending it with OM and OM is pissed. Learn that EA has been on and off for a while and there are strong feelings/emotions going both ways.

Send a subtle threat to OM when I see him still trying to make contact a few days later and W crying about it...threaten his career...he explodes and W explodes at me for threatening his livelihood. Things start going downhill from here.

We are getting ready to move and stress from that is extremely high. We have no house cause we can't get out of limbo land if we are going rent one place or two. W tells me last Sat, we're done, I've made up my mind, want a D. This is the second time I've heard this, first time being in early Apr. I go distant and she starts having second thoughts (never says this but I can see it).

I also tell her that if she doesn't make a commitment to our M, then I am taking the girls on my own in our travel trailer across the country for the move, we will meet her there, she can fly or drive, doesn't matter to me. If we are done, she's not coming on the family vacation. This hits her hard. It was our planned vacation for a long time and we only bought the trailer a few weeks prior...back when we were piecing and things were looking up.

Then the major twist. This week, W comes home a wreck the one night. Crying, upset, doesn't know what to do. I take the kids and get out of house to let her deal with her issues. After kids go in bed, she comes in room and starts crying again. Then starts talking about suicidal thoughts. Short version - she tells me she is depressed, has been for a year or more, knows she is, but has been unwilling to see someone about it. Told me she has thought a lot about hurting herself. Says she has nothing at all she is looking forward too in the future and she is no longer needed by me or the girls that we now do just fine without her.

DB goes out the window at this point and I am focused on getting her professional help. I drop boundary of commitment to M and tell her that me and the kids want and need her to go with us. I cannot fathom leaving her alone, travelling across the country in her current state. My only boundary is she has to seek professional help which she has agreed too.

It is a shame because going distant was working again...but I've got to do the right thing and look out after her health. I realize this could send M down the drain in the long run, but can hold my head high if that is the outcome. I still care about her, I still love her, and my kids need their mother to get better.