Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

This morning sucked. It started when I realized on the drive in to work that H and Whore are having the ultrasound today to find out the gender. They are also going to have DS with them, playing happy family in the ultrasound room. This shattered my heart because it's supposed to be me in that room with H and DS, not the Whore! There is a small, selfish part of me that hopes when the brat is born that OW pressures H to spend more time with them than he does with DS, not that I want DS hurt. But I don't want to have to hear from DS or H all about the brat. If he loses interest in DS that's less time I need to see H and deal with the heartbreak over and over and over again.

When H arrived to pick up DS of course he badgered me about the divorce again. Said if he prepares it and I don't have to pay for it, will I sign it. I told him I don't know what I'm going to do, that I had to get to work and turned to walk away. He followed after me saying it wasn't fair, that I had to give him some kind of answer. So I looked him straight in the eye and told him that I don't know yet what I'm going to do and walked away again. That time he let me go. Been fighting back tears ever since. Guess I was wrong about being emotionless, because I sure am feeling heartbreak right now.

My sister is pushing me to make a decision about the divorce. She wants me to decide if I'm going to let H file and sit back and wait to be served, or file myself and have H served so that he can't file on false grounds. My third option is to wait for the governor to sign off on the no-fault divorce bill, making no-faults allowed in NY and let H file on those grounds. I have no idea if H is aware that bill could be signed as soon as today. And I don't know how quickly after it's signed that people can start filing on those grounds, however. According to We the People's website they only do uncontested divorces, so if he files and I dispute the grounds I don't know what will happen after that.

My sister is of the opinion that this divorce is inevitable so I should be proactive about it. I'm of the opinion that this whole situation is some terrible nightmare that I keep praying I'm going to wake up from. I don't want to be the one to file because that could be interpreted as I want this. But I don't want to make it some long, bitter battle in court. However I refuse to take responsibility for the marriage dissolving and if I file then at least H will be held accountable for adultery, abandonment and cruel and inhumane treatment. But I also don't want to burn bridges, you know. I'm definitely not going to sign the papers finalizing it. Signing means I agree with it, and I certainly don't. Which is another problem, does not signing mean I contest it? If it does then once again, H will not be able to use We the People to finalize everything.