(((IDU))) it sounds like you're being really hard on yourself. I believe that you've done the best that you can. You had great advice, but let's face it...following DB advice when you're shattered is very hard and for some, impossible. You moved forward as soon as you were ready to. There is no magic wand to dismiss fear...it's a process and one that you are grappling with. I'm there with you.
I'll try to write more in my thread about exactly what I'm doing to deal with my horror at what this is doing to the children. IMO, it's a very important element to the letting go process for parents like us.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
We do The Price I Pay and Hello Trouble(old Buck Owens song) from them.
It would be a relief to play music seven nights a week right now. For a little while, anyway. It does help take my mind off of things. And the kids love to come listen to dad play and sing! I will take the twins with me and they sit on or by the stage and help set up and tear down equuipment. I don't take them to bars or anything, just picnics and things like that. They keep asking if I'm famous. Ha! Not quite.
I know you are having a difficult time with many decision to make. It will not be easy, but you will be okay. I have followed your thread, and you are in a different mindset than when you came here.
I know you love your kids, and they are very lucky to have you as a Dad. As far as being argry, sad, upset, etc. is okay. I know you would never do anything harmful or bad to anyone. It is just releasing those feelings is the hard part. You have been through them and know how to deal with them as they come much better.
You are better than that.
Keep looking to the future.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
(((IDU))) it sounds like you're being really hard on yourself. I believe that you've done the best that you can. You had great advice, but let's face it...following DB advice when you're shattered is very hard and for some, impossible. You moved forward as soon as you were ready to. There is no magic wand to dismiss fear...it's a process and one that you are grappling with. I'm there with you.
I'll try to write more in my thread about exactly what I'm doing to deal with my horror at what this is doing to the children. IMO, it's a very important element to the letting go process for parents like us.
I guess maybe I am. I should have listened a lot sooner. I have enabled her for way too long. Is it past the point of no return? IDK. I do know the chances would have been better if I had done the right things earlier.
I'm not giving up, just letting go. I don't know what she will do and it doesn't matter. Other people have made their M work after being much farther into things than my sitch is at the moment. I have to have hope. But I have that nagging feeling, you know? It doesn't fill me with despair like before, but it is still there. I have been wrong about so many things and I know I can't mind read. I guess I am trying to ready myself for the actual steps that will be taken to end this marriage. Sitting still and waiting haven't worked. Whoa, big shock there!
We are almost broke. It is my fault as much as hers. I should have been keeping an eye on the money after I suspected the affair. And especially after the ILYBINILWY speech. I didn't want to face the facts. My fault. I will have to get a loan for the L and my parents have offered to help, also. Crap, I'm 43. I can't let my parents get involved in this like I was a kid. I don't know where she thinks she will go or do, either. Maybe she hasn't thought about it. Maybe when faced with that reality, she will start thinking about things. We'll see.
Quote:
I'll try to write more in my thread about exactly what I'm doing to deal with my horror at what this is doing to the children. IMO, it's a very important element to the letting go process for parents like us.
Please do. I will follow along as usual. You really sound good, FM. I hope to follow in your footsteps soon. You give me and others so much hope, you really do.
So I must have missed a recent birthday since your sig says 42 and you say 43. So...
Happy Birthday!
Sorry to hear about the financial worries. They seem to be part and parcel of the suckiness, but it sure doesn't help.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm 43 and I borrowed temporarily from my mom too IDU. Plan to pay her back ASAP. No shame there buddy. It happens to all of us.
My W continues to look more and more stressed out. Like you, I keep hoping she will crack, but she is tough and I have a nagging feeling also that she will stick this out to the end.
Saw my L today and asked that we request she get moved out of the house at the temporary hearing and have to get a full-time job. Maybe a little wake-up call will help shake her loose. Or maybe we are just doomed. I don't know, but I am ready to go either way.
I turned 43 in March, FM. Thanks for the belated b'day wishes!
Dan, thanks for letting me know yet another person is in the same boat. My W also looks stressed. The one MC session we had, she told the C that she only needed 3 or 4 hours of sleep, she was fine with that amount. The C disagreed with her but W stuck to her story. Yet another thing she won't admit to; being tired and not getting enough rest. I have heard and read where that can cause a lot of problems to a persons body. She has always had hormone and thyroid problems. About a year ago she was diagnosed with diabetes, yet none of that could be even a little bit of a problem with her and the way she perceives things.
Journaling:
The kids and I had a great holiday weekend. We were invited to several parties. After church on Sun, when W got home, she asked what I had planned. I told her about the parties and she asked where I wanted to go. I told her and she asked if I wanted her to go to. I said, sure. She wanted to lay down and told me to wake her in an hour. I did, she got up and got ready, but was instantly in a bad mood. I said if she didn't want to go that was fine. She said she would go and help keep an eye on the kids. I said I did not need help with the kids if that was the only reason she was going. I grabbed the cooler I was loading up and went outside to put stuff in the truck. She came out and started asking if I was really going to a L this week. I said yes. She said she didn't understand why I was going to a L if I didn't want a D. I said to protect myself and my kids.
She started crying and asked if I was going to take the kids from her. I told her I would not settle for anything less than 50-50 custody. She said she agreed, the kids loved me and she wouldn't take them from me. I said you are taking them from me. I won't get to see them 50% of the time, I can't believe that you are okay with that. She cried some more and said this didn't have to get nasty. I said, okay, what about the house? You can't afford it on your own, how much money would it take for you to leave and me to keep the house? She was shocked that I could even ask such a thing. Did I think this was all about money? More tears and I said, just something else to think about. You want out and think it will be so easy. It will be anything but.
I told her we had to go, we would see her later. She helped me load the kids in the truck, came around and gave them all kisses,(which she never does) told them she loved them and to have a good time. And we did have a good time. They loved the fireworks, the party, playing with their friends, and just being kids.
Mon., I left a note for her that said we were swimming at our neighbors pond. She came over after she got off of work, sat and watched us for about an hour and asked if I was okay with them all by myself. Of course. She said she had a headache and was going home to lay down. We stayed until about 5:30. We were there for six hours and they still weren't ready to leave. I took them home, got them showered and dressed and she woke up and made some supper. We watched TV and relaxed and she fell asleep on the couch. I put the kids all to bed, went in the living room and covered her up and whispered under my breath, I love you. She was asleep and I know she didn't hear me, don't worry.
This morning, I got up early and went for a walk around our property. She came out about a half hour later and drank a cup of coffee with me. She said she had been thinking about what I said about the house. She wants "us" to try and keep the house. It would be better for the kids, school, etc. Then she said, "Not that this has anything to do with us, but she had seen or read where people were staying together who wanted to D until they got out of debt. What about refinancing the house? We could pay the credit cards off and at least come out even." I told her I didn't think that would be a good idea. If we payed to refi the house and then either had to sell it or I would have to refi again when I bought her out, it would cost too much in fees. She didn't say anything to that.
She went on to say she had got a part-time job waiting tables to earn some extra money. She couldn't believe that I didn't trust her with the finances. She got out the banking statements and showed me where she said the money was going. There were four withdrawals that she couldn't find and said she was sure those were for school or something like that. I said it didn't really matter. You have to me, you have told your parents, you even told the MC that you would not give up the school board, the coaching or any of the things that cost extra money because you loved doing it and you were doing nothing wrong. She asked if I wanted to do the bills and I said we would do them together for a while.
I told the kids all good-bye and went to work.
So, the financial mess is maybe starting to hit her. She knows there is no way she could afford anything on her own. Yet, she still won't say she wants to work on the M. She seems to still want a D, but was shocked that I was going to a L. She asked if I wanted her to come with me. I said, no, you need to get your own. What is she thinking?
I guess I will keep letting her know I will not live like this forever. She seems to soften a little but still won't commit to anything. Is it time for patience or should I keep pressing the issue of her moving out and filing for D? I think I know the answer. I am just so tired of all of this.
I turned 43 in March, FM. Thanks for the belated b'day wishes!
Dan, thanks for letting me know yet another person is in the same boat. My W also looks stressed. The one MC session we had, she told the C that she only needed 3 or 4 hours of sleep, she was fine with that amount. The C disagreed with her but W stuck to her story. Yet another thing she won't admit to; being tired and not getting enough rest. I have heard and read where that can cause a lot of problems to a persons body. She has always had hormone and thyroid problems. About a year ago she was diagnosed with diabetes, yet none of that could be even a little bit of a problem with her and the way she perceives things.
Journaling:
The kids and I had a great holiday weekend. We were invited to several parties. After church on Sun, when W got home, she asked what I had planned. I told her about the parties and she asked where I wanted to go. I told her and she asked if I wanted her to go to. I said, sure. She wanted to lay down and told me to wake her in an hour. I did, she got up and got ready, but was instantly in a bad mood. I said if she didn't want to go that was fine. She said she would go and help keep an eye on the kids. I said I did not need help with the kids if that was the only reason she was going. I grabbed the cooler I was loading up and went outside to put stuff in the truck. She came out and started asking if I was really going to a L this week. I said yes. She said she didn't understand why I was going to a L if I didn't want a D. I said to protect myself and my kids.
She started crying and asked if I was going to take the kids from her. I told her I would not settle for anything less than 50-50 custody. She said she agreed, the kids loved me and she wouldn't take them from me. I said you are taking them from me. I won't get to see them 50% of the time, I can't believe that you are okay with that. She cried some more and said this didn't have to get nasty. I said, okay, what about the house? You can't afford it on your own, how much money would it take for you to leave and me to keep the house? She was shocked that I could even ask such a thing. Did I think this was all about money? More tears and I said, just something else to think about. You want out and think it will be so easy. It will be anything but.
I told her we had to go, we would see her later. She helped me load the kids in the truck, came around and gave them all kisses,(which she never does) told them she loved them and to have a good time. And we did have a good time. They loved the fireworks, the party, playing with their friends, and just being kids.
Mon., I left a note for her that said we were swimming at our neighbors pond. She came over after she got off of work, sat and watched us for about an hour and asked if I was okay with them all by myself. Of course. She said she had a headache and was going home to lay down. We stayed until about 5:30. We were there for six hours and they still weren't ready to leave. I took them home, got them showered and dressed and she woke up and made some supper. We watched TV and relaxed and she fell asleep on the couch. I put the kids all to bed, went in the living room and covered her up and whispered under my breath, I love you. She was asleep and I know she didn't hear me, don't worry.
This morning, I got up early and went for a walk around our property. She came out about a half hour later and drank a cup of coffee with me. She said she had been thinking about what I said about the house. She wants "us" to try and keep the house. It would be better for the kids, school, etc. Then she said, "Not that this has anything to do with us, but she had seen or read where people were staying together who wanted to D until they got out of debt. What about refinancing the house? We could pay the credit cards off and at least come out even." I told her I didn't think that would be a good idea. If we payed to refi the house and then either had to sell it or I would have to refi again when I bought her out, it would cost too much in fees. She didn't say anything to that.
She went on to say she had got a part-time job waiting tables to earn some extra money. She couldn't believe that I didn't trust her with the finances. She got out the banking statements and showed me where she said the money was going. There were four withdrawals that she couldn't find and said she was sure those were for school or something like that. I said it didn't really matter. You have to me, you have told your parents, you even told the MC that you would not give up the school board, the coaching or any of the things that cost extra money because you loved doing it and you were doing nothing wrong. She asked if I wanted to do the bills and I said we would do them together for a while.
I told the kids all good-bye and went to work.
So, the financial mess is maybe starting to hit her. She knows there is no way she could afford anything on her own. Yet, she still won't say she wants to work on the M. She seems to still want a D, but was shocked that I was going to a L. She asked if I wanted her to come with me. I said, no, you need to get your own. What is she thinking?
I guess I will keep letting her know I will not live like this forever. She seems to soften a little but still won't commit to anything. Is it time for patience or should I keep pressing the issue of her moving out and filing for D? I think I know the answer. I am just so tired of all of this.
I think you are doing a great job in your sitch. You really are having an impact on her, and it is good the position you have put yourself in the M for both you and your kids. Keep protecting yourself and your kids.
Who knows what WAWs are thinking.
I guess I will keep letting her know I will not live like this forever. She seems to soften a little but still won't commit to anything. Is it time for patience or should I keep pressing the issue of her moving out and filing for D? I think I know the answer. I am just so tired of all of this.
IDU I am sure she realizes you will not live like this forever and your actions more than your words will continue to show her that. She seems to soften, but she goes back to her normal self because she still does not believe that you will really follow through with what you say.
"She said she didn't understand why I was going to a L if I didn't want a D." Then you make statements such as, "She asked if I wanted to do the bills and I said we would do them together for a while."
These statements still make her believe that you are not as serious as you say you are. It seems to be what she is thinking. She still does not totally believe that you will not live like this forever. She does not believe you 100% that you will follow through, but she is starting to have doubts. It is your actions that are making a difference. This is just my thoughts.
Only you can and should decide if it "Is (sic)time for patience or should (you) keep pressing the issue of her moving out and filing for D?"
I hope you understood my response. It was difficult for me to write what would be so easy to say verbally.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
