My sitch continued, not sure why original thread

[Coach]

That her walking was in her mind a "pre emptive strike" if you will,before I could do it to her, because my emotional withdrawl from her in her mind was a metaphor for ME "walking away"

that explains what she did. do you understand why she did it? not what you think but from her perpsective how you look?

the A-Ha moment comes when you see how you look to her not when you can identify her issues (how she looks to you).

[SOTR]

That her walking was in her mind a "pre emptive strike" if you will,before I could do it to her, because my emotional withdrawl from her in her mind was a metaphor for ME "walking away"

that explains what she did. do you understand why she did it? not what you think but from her perpsective how you look?

the A-Ha moment comes when you see how you look to her not when you can identify her issues (how she looks to you).

Yes, I can see ME from her perspective, even though I do think it was a completley skewed and unfair perspective on somethings.

Was I emotionally withdrawn ?? ABSOLUTELY. Did I do it on purpose or maliciously or realize it ?? NO !

But all the other stuff, the being laid off, staying with the kids while she went back to work, doing everything I could think of to keep a roof over our heads( including bankruptcy) and still remembering the "little things" like compliments, random flowers, Valentines Day, etc from MY perspective was an H that was frustrated and depressed and doing what he thought would work to try to hold everything together, except obviously the R.

I KNOW the mechanics of what happened and why. I CANT understand why she would choose to walk instead of fight, other then her saying she was just "tired". I just finished The Five Love Languages Mens Edition and its clear as day that her "tank" was on Empty.

This is doubly hard for to take since I found the diary she wrote to me when she was in the hospital last fall recovering from the baby where she wrote that she felt this was coming, that she DID NOT want that to happen, and needed me to do things. But she NEVER gave it to me !!

And thats one thing that definetly is driving me crazy !!! I SOOOOO want to ask her WHY !???!! WHY didnt you make sure you gave this to me when I could have done something about it or at least been aware of how you were feeling ?!!?!?!? She even wrote that she thought I was clueless about how she was feeling at that time ( which I obviously was ). Its almost like she expected me to read her mind or something. I just cant get my head around the idea of why write stuff that was clearly intended for me to see, was written to me, and was the only way she could see to try to reach me and then NEVER give it to me

[Coach]

She even wrote that she thought I was clueless about how she was feeling at that time ( which I obviously was ). Its almost like she expected me to read her mind or something. I just cant get my head around the idea of why write stuff that was clearly intended for me to see, was written to me, and was the only way she could see to try to reach me and then NEVER give it to me

She "felt" invisible, talking wouldn't matter, you won't change, you'll just try to fix her.

SOTR, I know you are processing alot of emotions and trying to think thru why this happened. You can be right on all of your observations on why she is the way she is. Do you want to be right or be married?

I CANT understand why she would choose to walk instead of fight, other then her saying she was just "tired". I just finished The Five Love Languages Mens Edition and its clear as day that her "tank" was on Empty.

Then you don't see things from her perspective. She already detached, she was tired of trying, she lost her attraction, she needed to walk becuase she felt unloved. The pain of staying was greater than the pain of staying.

You need to get ahead of her on the detachment curve. Face your brutal reality. If you don't change she just validates how much pain you cause her when she sees you. Make yourself attractive to her, quit thinking about her, be your own man.

[SOTR]

Thanks Coach. No I no longer care about being "right" as much as I care about having my family intact. It sounds like you were saying she had already detached way back last fall ??? I suppose anything is possible, but if that was the case then she deserves an Academy Award for Best Performance, because she did an EXCELLENT job of hiding it up until March at least( when verified contact with the EX started)

As far as changing goes, I've been doing that like crazy and all its gotten me is even more brutal language and venom from her, which I posted about several pages back. At least to me , she says she's convinced all my changes are just my sick way of Fing with her now that she left and her frustration of my taking so long to finally wake up. But I guess that could simply be the anger talking.

She knows I have another house already that I can afford without her, she knows Im starting school next week, she knows I've been spending a TON of time with the kids doing stuff, ALL radical 180's since the winter. Like I said before though, she has a well known reputation for holding a grudge and holding her anger for a LONG time. And normally when she feels someone( such as a friend ) has done her REALLY dirty, she just cuts them out of her life permanently. Clearly she cant go quite that far with me since we have the kids, including the baby, but man is it going to be a LONG time to break down her walls.

[SOTR]

I do have to disagree with one thing you said Coach. I ABSOLUTLEY feel if she had given me that diary like she intended, I most certainly would have at least been aware of things and started making serious efforts, including getting us into counseling ASAP.

[MrBond]

The changes are for you and you alone. If she criticizes them, don't pay attention to her. You're changing for you not her.

[SOTR]

The changes are for you and you alone. If she criticizes them, don't pay attention to her. You're changing for you not her.

That may very well be true Mr Bond, but they dont mean anywhere near as much to me as they would if it brings WAW back to me. The last few years may have been rocky, but I absolutely felt and still do feel she is " the one "

[Four_More_Years]

I do have to disagree with one thing you said Coach. I ABSOLUTLEY feel if she had given me that diary like she intended, I most certainly would have at least been aware of things and started making serious efforts, including getting us into counseling ASAP.

What you need to understand is that it doesn't matter. What you would have done is absolutely irrelevant. What matters is that she clearly believed that that would not have happened. You really need to be able to make that distinction.

[MrBond]

"That may very well be true Mr Bond, but they dont mean anywhere near as much to me as they would if it brings WAW back to me. "

Then your "changes" aren't sincere. If you're only doing them for her, then IF you get back together again and things get comfortable, you're going to go right back to the way things were before.

This is the reason why your W can see right through your "changes". No one makes a lifelong change to themselves just for another person. It's something they WANT to do because the feel it makes them a better person as a whole. Not because they think it's going to get them something.

[TimeHeals]

Thanks Coach. No I no longer care about being "right"

And then he proceeds to argue with Coach.

That may very well be true Mr Bond, but they dont mean anywhere near as much to me as they would if it brings WAW back to me. "

Then your "changes" aren't sincere. If you're only doing them for her, then IF you get back together again and things get comfortable, you're going to go right back to the way things were before.

I'm not even going to say anything about this.

but man is it going to be a LONG time to break down her walls.

I call this the, "I can't hear any of you" line.

He's focused. You have to give him that. He won't drop the rope no matter what anybody says. Not you, not me, not Coach, not his W, not any of us.

He's gonna change her mind for her, doggonit!