Nothing fits

[MichelleLT]

While it's great not to put yourself in the middle of it, to give him space to work through his issues, and to protect yourself, don't let it turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Just because he is evidincing similar behaviors as to when he left doesn't mean he's contemplating leaving again. It obviously means he has a lot stressing him out, but you and he both can handle it differently this time. And it might not have anything to do with you or ex-OW. It could just be work or whatever.

Not trying to discount your gut because your subconscious does notice a lot. Just cautioning against jumping to conclusions too quickly. And letting it get to you.

He told you it's not about you. So don't take it personally. Give him some space and times. Guys rarely want to talk things over right away.

[mishka422]

I'm trying, really I'm trying. My instincts of fight or flight are strong and my way of flight is to just shut down and not let him in. Unfortunately, I don't compartmentalize well and that goes on to shut everyone else out as well. All or nothing kind of stuff.

He sent me a flurry of texts this morning, mad as a hornet, because he went to pick up his glasses and they told him they weren't ready (they were supposed to be ready by 5pm yesterday)because the machine broke. He got mad and asked them why the heck they didn't bother to just call him and tell him they would be delayed and they didn't have an answer for that. He was fuming. I just tried to diffuse him before he blew a gasket but that's hard to do via text while I'm working. Finally, he called me a little later to tell me that he was miffed and those people are inept, but he was already in a foul mood so it made it worse. Then he said, "I'm sorry about last night. It really isn't you. I've got a lot of junk rattling around in my head and it was really getting to me. Call it male PMS." My response? "Ok. Just understand that when you get like that and shut me out it affects me too." He said he understood that. I still have no idea what set him off and I won't be finding out. He doesn't talk about his feelings....ever......to anyone.

PMS is something I can get behind, I've never known many men to have something similar but Gabe......he has always been moody. My mom used to comment to me that he had PMS. He admits it too.

His explanations don't mean I'm going to just be all happy go lucky, open, blah blah blah with him though. It taught me a lesson. My behavior to him will be direct mirror of his toward me from now on. If he's being moody and depressed and crazy then I will avoid him. If he's being kind and loving then he can expect the same from me.

[mishka422]

One thing to share with you that was a good thought for life!!!

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY...


Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it
was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed
up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then
on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the
word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to
lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have
clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had
a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's
Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because People cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our
headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when
all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Tommy toilet-trained.
We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a
second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and
the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and
all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan
on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and
available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm
for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're
ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator
for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's
just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and
eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and
bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I
would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something
on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone
call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? ;And why
are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to
you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the
rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or
gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the
fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.'
And in your haste, not see her sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good
friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music
before the song is over.


Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a
FRIEND including me if you consider me a friend. If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all
you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might
as well dance!'

[whatisis]

So if it doesn't come back to you then you've got no friends? Oops, I never return these things.
Mish, you're in a very anxiety provoking sitch and I can understand you react strongly to anything that even hints of what previously happened. I guess all you can do is try and catch yourself and work at keeping calm. It's tough, you're living with the same man who betrayed you before and so far you don't feel much is different, it's like walking on eggshells. So work on your anxiety and settle in.
Hey, I liked the above post!
Btw, I'm on day 7 of the liver detox, went back to three capsules, and I still hate it! I must be so toxic that I glow in the dark. I might just ditch it, I'm not gonna stay feeling like crap for much longer!!!

[TimeHeals]

cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to
lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have
clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had
a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's
Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

My personal favorite is, "I already ate, so do you want to go for a walk or a bike ride instead?".

Maybe something other than lunch might have been a good idea? I don't know. Just putting it out there.

I figure if you ask somebody to lunch dozens of times and they always say no, they don't want to go to lunch.

[oldtimer]

Mish,

(1) Like I said, there will almost CERTAINLY be further contact with OW, remember?

(2) Don't make this about you right this second, try to detach and have some compassion, really. What if OW contacted him? Now he is screwed, right? He's afraid to tell you, you'll freak out. OW was probably guilting him, messing around with his head. He feels like crap, etc...

How about: "Gabe, maybe I'm offbase because of my own fear, but my guess is that OW and you were in touch yesterday. If so, that must be very hard for you, and it is OK for you to talk to me about it. Let's work through it together."

[oldtimer]

P.S. It is a good opportunity to ask him to make the no contact call with you listening on the extension.

[mishka422]

He has said a few more things to me that lead me to believe this was not directly broom related. He was talking on the phone to his BMF last night and I overheard him say, "I just don't know WTF to do to fix my life. I screwed it up really good."

So, he is contemplating his future and it's depressing him. Gee...I can understand that one fully. Why he won't talk to me at all about it I don't know. It must be some guy thing. "Don't talk to the woman about a problem, you'll look weak." or some other male BS. I swear, when will they get it through their thick skulls that women want to know what is going on in their heads sometimes. Not because we want to necessarily help them, but because we start to imagine all sorts of horrible things are going on with them and us because of the distance and depression.

Is it just me though? Am I the only woman that feels like that? I jump to the conclusion that he's totally miserable being here with me because he's suddenly withdrawn, depressed, and moody.

OT, I didn't have the guts to ask him to do the NC call. I don't have the guts to ask anything of him. Heck, I asked him to go pick something up at the store for me yesterday and it turned into an hour long search for the specific item I needed between two stores. I felt horrible for asking. I should have gone and done it myself. It seems so wrong to ask for help from him. My mind does all these cartwheels trying to come up with ways to accomplish things without asking him for any help at all and WTH is that? I'm pretty sure it has to do with my list of reasons he left. Now, mind you, this is a list of reasons I came up with on my own because he would never give me any. I asked why he had gone looking for another woman and he just shrugged his shoulders and said it was because he didn't feel like a piece of furniture to be used for someone else's benefit when he was with her. I decided that must have meant that I asked too much of him. I sent him on errands when I was too busy to do them, I asked him to pick up or drop off Marc so I could finish making dinner or grocery shopping. I asked him to pick my mom up on his days off so I wouldn't have to cut out 30 minutes of my own lunch time to do it. All selfish things in looking back at it so it must have seemed that way to him too. So now, I don't ask anything of him if I can at all help it and then I blew that yesterday. He wasn't too pleased with it taking that long and fighting the holiday crowds in the stores. I made sure to be extra thankful when he got back so he would know how much I really appreciated it.

Twisted and sick isn't it? I write it out here because in my head it sounds reasonable but when I see it in black and white it just sounds demented.

[mishka422]

Oh yeah.....Happy Independence Day!!!!!

[kat727]

You know married couples learn to work as a team, so you shoudnt beat yourself up for asking him for help now and then. If it bothered him in some way he should have said so. You guys are going to have to learn to talk this stuff out with each other. Think of it as a 180.

happy 4th!! kat