My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[BeingMe]

I think progress is different for each person. What will take one person to get over a betrayal several years, another will bounce back in months. So, don't be too hard on yourself. I know it feels awful to be thrust aside for another woman, especially after giving so much into the marriage. Some men are just like that, and there is little one can do about it. It probably had very little to do with what you did or didn't do. You are not a failure. But, I know the feelings are there and have to be dealt with. You're doing the right thing coming to vent here. You can also just take your mind off it by reading a book, going out with a friend, or whatever you're interested in.

Know that this too shall pass ... ya just have to give it the time.

Take care.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Some men are just like that, and there is little one can do about it.

and women too...

It probably had very little to do with what you did or didn't do. You are not a failure.

Exactly! well said...

and yes I feel that way too- there are moments when I crave attention from the opposite sex just to feel wanted. I don't know if you will ever feel 100% OK but 80% is good enough to start thinking about the future. The 20% will get down to 5% with the new life hopefully. We can't live in the past, we need to live for the future. Doesn't mean the future has to be with someone else if you don't want to. For me I'll do what I set out to do and that was to have a family, a partner in crime one I could trust and I won't let stbx destroy those dreams.

[hoosiermama]

yep, Romeo, all I ever truly wanted out of life was to have a family; comes from old FOO issues, like everything else. and I don't think I will ever have that again at this point. and now my D14 is growing up much as I did, not really fitting in anywhere, her and I against the world, feeling disconnected. How ironic that the things we most want to stop passing along are the things that are almost inevitable.

[Gardener]

hm,

Do you all still struggle with what I'm struggling with this evening--that sense of being discarded

Yes.

...and unworthy?

No. You are (I am) worthy. You are enough. And you matter. You were wronged; you are not wrong.

I can't say I miss xH, really; I'm not even sure if I miss being married, because it wasn't at all what I expected or wanted it to be in spite of trying really, really hard to make it so

Good. You're healing.

I suppose I miss my dreams, then, of what I thought marriage and family would be...

Now you're getting at/to that which you really, understandably mourn and grieve.

...and I feel like a failure

Stop. That. Now.

...finding myself as isolated at 54 as I was at 24. There's something about being told all the things we were told in the end that tends to make one feel fundamentally flawed...

And all of which was guilt-shifting, guilt-assuaging bullsh!t!!

but I'm so ready not to see myself as someone who got dumped and is still struggling to get some kind of life back. Do you ever feel that way? when do we get to feel whole again?

You didn't "get dumped." I didn't "get dumped." We were left by people who lost their way or who were never who they presented themselves to be. I get to feel whole again when I decide to feel whole again. I am enough. I matter. I was wronged and had sacred vows disregarded and spit in my face. And it was not about me. And it was not about you. It was - and is - and will remain - about them!.

Screw dating until you are ready - AND DON"T NEED IT .
Be You! Hoosiermama. Alone. Whole. Enough.
Pity parties are okay. As long as they are few, far between and short. I'm doing so much better, but I must admit that after almost two years, it still takes up a majority of my daily thinking. You and I will be further along when we are further along. Who puts a time-limit on healing?
Heal. In your time. As an unflawed, unlacking, eventually-fine-to-be-alone, whole person..
Just you. Alone. Fine.
It all (re)starts from there.
Time.
Your time, hm.
However much time you need.
Just don't wallow. Ditch the negative BS. Again: You were maliciously, selfishly wronged. You are not wrong. You are not the one who's malicious. You are not the one who is selfish.
Move forward.
Baby steps.
And celebrate each and every one of them.
You are inherently good and decent and lovable.
Period.

[BeingMe]

and women too...

Indeed there are too. Just dealing with Hmama's X.

Hmama, for your X to have dumped someone as wonderful as you, just shows what an idiot he truly is. A blind one at that.

[hoosiermama]

I am really humbled and rendered practically speechless by these responses. thank you for your time, thought, and caring.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

hm,

Do you all still struggle with what I'm struggling with this evening--that sense of being discarded

Yes.

...and unworthy?

No. You are (I am) worthy. You are enough. And you matter. You were wronged; you are not wrong.

I can't say I miss xH, really; I'm not even sure if I miss being married, because it wasn't at all what I expected or wanted it to be in spite of trying really, really hard to make it so

Good. You're healing.

I suppose I miss my dreams, then, of what I thought marriage and family would be...

Now you're getting at/to that which you really, understandably mourn and grieve.

...and I feel like a failure

Stop. That. Now.

...finding myself as isolated at 54 as I was at 24. There's something about being told all the things we were told in the end that tends to make one feel fundamentally flawed...

And all of which was guilt-shifting, guilt-assuaging bullsh!t!!

but I'm so ready not to see myself as someone who got dumped and is still struggling to get some kind of life back. Do you ever feel that way? when do we get to feel whole again?

You didn't "get dumped." I didn't "get dumped." We were left by people who lost their way or who were never who they presented themselves to be. I get to feel whole again when I decide to feel whole again. I am enough. I matter. I was wronged and had sacred vows disregarded and spit in my face. And it was not about me. And it was not about you. It was - and is - and will remain - about them!.

Screw dating until you are ready - AND DON"T NEED IT .
Be You! Hoosiermama. Alone. Whole. Enough.
Pity parties are okay. As long as they are few, far between and short. I'm doing so much better, but I must admit that after almost two years, it still takes up a majority of my daily thinking. You and I will be further along when we are further along. Who puts a time-limit on healing?
Heal. In your time. As an unflawed, unlacking, eventually-fine-to-be-alone, whole person..
Just you. Alone. Fine.
It all (re)starts from there.
Time.
Your time, hm.
However much time you need.
Just don't wallow. Ditch the negative BS. Again: You were maliciously, selfishly wronged. You are not wrong. You are not the one who's malicious. You are not the one who is selfish.
Move forward.
Baby steps.
And celebrate each and every one of them.
You are inherently good and decent and lovable.
Period.

And yes, that is the highly-coveted "Puppy's 4 Whistles Award," which gets handed out, like, NEVER.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hmama, for your X to have dumped someone as wonderful as you, just shows what an idiot he truly is. A blind one at that.

I agree.


Well, you wouldn't even know a diamond
if you held it in your hand
The things you think are precious
I can't understand

-- Steely Dan

[hoosiermama]

awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

[figgeroni]

it is often when you feel most alone
that
you find you are surrounded by love

you are a wonderful and introspective person who only deserves the best

so

you are waiting for the best