Well, that's the thing. I don't know what or who she's paying for. She has a credit card with room on it. We hadn't used it in months. We had cleared it off with an increase to the PLC. But when the D bomb dropped and we burned a grand for MC, things got tight and she discovered it still worked. yes, I'll try to catch the bill in the mail and get a copy.
My thought was to separate the banking. Keep the joint as the family (she'll be removed from access to the joint) but we each get our own accounts. Every "household bill" we split from our ind accts. But her cell; her gas; her insurance and her CC bills are HERS. She'd get an indication how much she spends and how little she'd have post-D. Plus it would allow me to spend my money on D and I ONLY.
However, my concern is that she would see this as ME starting the Sep/D and free her from the responsibility of the decision.
And until I can verify an OP/PA, I can't confront/expose and have any grounds for being hard-line.
Now, I'm not saying that I'd be willing to live in Limbo Land much longer either. But I don't want her to be able to say 'He did this'.
It's a tough spot. But this cake-eat thing is grinding my last nerve.
My GAL'ing is coming along well. I've had a few 180 successes but I'm not seeing a lot of things that are working. My "detachment" is coming across pretty much like I was in the last year. Unaffectionate, distant, etc. I'm happier now but I find it difficult to show her that as it seems incongruent to be happy around her while being detached and adult about all this. I'm trying to not get drawn into her BF mode. .Whenever I'm happy or pleasant, I get what Sandi calls 'plate spin tests' where she tries to get me to touch her. So unless I'm misreading this and she's trying to be close, I'm struggling with 'how to act around her'. I'm getting my brain together but I'm not seeing any good signs. I was seeing more before. Again, open to my flawed interpretation. What I thought were positive signs have been "corrected' by others to likely be 'manipulating, controlling, smokescreens'.
The only upside is she appears to be getting bolder so she'll likely start making mistakes just as I get my 'intel lines' open.
As always,I'm open to all the help; advice and/or 2x4's I can get. If it's a tool I need to use, I'll take it.
YES, I think splitting the finances. She's already dropped the D-bomb, so all you're doing is protecting your interests, and "moving on," both of which are good advice. If she tries to say YOU are pushing this, you say "No, I'm not the one who wants a divorce; I'm only protecting my and daughter's interests, and trying to move forward considering the decisions you're making."
I'd recommend splitting the joint family finances (minus ANYTHING she's using to directly or indirectly finance her waywardness, like cellphone, etc.) in proportion to your incomes. Any family court judge is going to direct you to continue to pay for "the lifestyle to which she is accustomed," so long as it's within your financial ability to do so, so "allow(ing) me to spend my money on D and I only" is not realistic.
Yes, she has a job and income. She only makes abou 300/mo less than I do so support payments in Canada (given that we'll be 50/50 custody of D) will see me paying her very little. And every year taxes would be compared to fine tune amounts. For example, because of 50/50 with D, the scenario would be that she would have to pay me the support payment on her yearly income (e.g 435/mo) and I would have to pay her the amount on mine (e.g. 597/mo) The dayhome cost would be split. I'd only be subsidizing her bu +/- $175month. Neither of us will be getting the 'lifestyle to which we are accustomed.
There is also another unique thing here in Alberta. Since the equity in the house we have came from the house I had (and was alone on the mortgage, even after we were married) I can show on paper that the 128,000 we put down on this house was technically "mine'. Therefore, I can file an "Exception" to what you would call No Fault (Even Split)and half that amount (64K) would be reserved for me from the net assets of the household. After all the debts, the house sale would only clear us about 65K. So we would split the 1K surplus. With how the economy is, though I would not be in the position I was, she would essentially walk away with 1 dollar. She doesn't know this yet. She came into the marriage with nothing. I'm pretty relieved that she won't 'profit' from the marriage considering she started thinking D only 1 year in (according to her ILYBINILWY letter)It's a shame that I'm going to have to start over but at least I'll be on stronger footing. I'll have a down pymt on a house at least.
She was talking about some cheap housing last week so I thought I'd bring up the banking split with "I was thinking about what you said about the Co-op Housing. I've decided that since you will need to raise 2K to buy into the co-op to get on the list, you'll need to start saving. Please open a bank account and I'll get the paperwork to take you off the joint account. I'll calculate the monthly household bills and we'll split them. I'll physically looking after paying the bills but the money will come from each of us separately. Since I make a little more than you, I'll transfer the phone/internet bill into my name."
She'll be responsible for her own cell, fuel, clothes, dinners out, credit card and other personal expenses as will I for mine.
Taste of D. Frees me from 'supporting her habits'.
As far as Calla Care, I'm not sure what 'rules" I can/should put in place.
She is to be home at 9 nightly for bed? She is not to be away from her own bed more than once a week without PRIOR consent of the other parent. FULL details of WHERE and WHO she will be with are mandatory?
Any other suggestions?
Should I restart my other thread for more indepth help on my own behaviour since I'm not seeing the results I'm expecting? i.e. My 'detachment' hasn't changed my behavior towards her that much. My concern is that she is likely not seeing the R w/ me as being much better if she reconsiders? Staying may not be much more attractive than it was. Other than some of the new things I have just started to put into place from No More Nice Guy. (These are HUGE BTW.) I found as much of my "contributions" to our sitch in this book as I did in DB/DR.
Should I restart my other thread for more indepth help on my own behaviour since I'm not seeing the results I'm expecting? i.e. My 'detachment' hasn't changed my behavior towards her that much. My concern is that she is likely not seeing the R w/ me as being much better if she reconsiders? Staying may not be much more attractive than it was. Other than some of the new things I have just started to put into place from No More Nice Guy. (These are HUGE BTW.) I found as much of my "contributions" to our sitch in this book as I did in DB/DR.
Just got back from IC and thanks to Sandi and PDT, I've been doing the same things that you've been doing. My IC said that the actions and the change I've made in the last month give me the best chance for possible reconciliation. Your actions are showing your wife clarity...same with my WW. And if you don't end up reconciling, YOU are still that much better off in the long run.
I also started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and so far that is my life story chapter and verse...I've started to put actions from that book into place as well.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 07/01/1009:38 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
So last night I didn't even get a text that she wouldn't be coming home....again. That's now 6 of the last 7 nights.
But she texted during the day to ask if I needed her to get a dress for D for the 50th Anniversary pictures. I said I already had some. All I need are some white sandals. She textes back that she'll get some.
And then doesn't show up at home. She is supposed to watch D tonight so I can attend the dinner. I REALLY want to find alternate arrangements and take her out of the loop. I don't need any more of her "favors"
I'd love to text "I've made other arrangements for D tonight. You're clear til Sunday at 6 at home" (LOVE to add 'It's in Langdon,AB)
Thanks for sharing that thread, CallasDad. I've been following your sitch although haven't really commented as I didn't feel qualified to give much advice! But know you are in my thoughts and prayers....
So last night I didn't even get a text that she wouldn't be coming home....again. That's now 6 of the last 7 nights.
Is that acceptable behavior in your family? You are the leader of your family. Without consequences your W will continue to do this and it will wear you down emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.
Let her choose her course but you have boundaries on what is acceptable. She's either part of the family or she isn't and there are rights and responsiblities for each. Lead. You can handle it.
Strength and Honor. Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks, Coach. It is completely unacceptable as it is irrespospnsible and childish. Actually, not childish as even children understand responsibility, This is a rebellious teenager who thinks they are an adult.
This is why I suggested I tell her that "I've decided that you need to set up a personal bank account this weekend. I've decided that your actions the last while have shown you have chosen your new agenda over your parental responsibilities. I can handle Calla. Find a place to stay (you've done very well this week) and make it permanent."
"We'll deal with the rest of this via email and text."
"I've decided that you needs to set up a personal bank account this weekend. I've decided that your actions the last while have shown you have chosen your new agenda over your parental responsibilities. I can handle Calla. Find a place to stay (you've done very well this week) and make it permanent."
Make it about what you are going to do. Decisive, confident and under control.
" I have set up my own bank account.....
" You have a week to find a place to stay, after a week I will pack up your stuff and it will be in the garage."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, who would have thought cleaning the house (cause I can't live like this) would be so beneficial?
I decided that my bedroom (the master) and the main floor would be clean to my liking. This meant I had to pull all her "getting ready for work" stuff (hairdryers, makeup, etc) out of the main floor guest Bathroom.
I took it all up to the main bathroom by her bedroom. I, of course, had to make room for this stuff. in my cleaning up of old Qtips, etc, I found the wrapper for a birth control patch. My thoughts are that is unnecessary in a gay relationship. And since we haven't slept together since August, other than a name and photo of the OM, I'm pretty much set in my direction.
Nice how it's on the eve of my parents' 50th Anniversary.
I'm going to set up some audio recorders; get the GPS phone in her truck and have a neighbor "keep an eye" on the house over the weekend.
Looks like I'll end up doing the separation papers myself as I refuse to wait for her or live in an open marriage. And once I know WHO, it will be easy to get her to leave since she already has a place to go. All the problems are fixed!
I'll get a financial agreement drawn up obligating her to the mortgage until the house sells and even pursue whether she gets joint custody as I don't want my daughter exposed to this.
And, I actually feel OK about all this. AT least I know what I'm doing next. And it will be pretty easy to be detached since this little piece of the puzzle not only confirms I have dropped the rope but I'm not even looking at my end anymore.
