You letters made me cry. Thank you so much. I went to the doctor and got an antidepresent and xanax. I just dont understand why I cant be a decent person. I caused this. It is not a two way streak. I am crying my eyes out that you people who dont even know me seem to care. We have all been through heartache. And it is awful. I sent my wife like 8 emails last night which I i know is stupid. Here is her response-love is an action Jeff. Love means putting another person before yourself. Why are you saying these things now? Just a month ago you told me that I was going to lose you. I am crying buckets of tears. Why now? After nine years do you decide to do the right thing by me? To say all the right things and not mean a word of it! I am so pissed at you for this. We have broken up so many times and you would say what I wanted to hear and I would come running back. I would be so hopeful and then so devastated when things went right back to the way it was before. I cannot be negelected. Life is too short to love someone who constantly hurts you.-and she is exactly right. what do you guys suggest I do? She has moved 600 miles away. There is another man. I cant show her that I am changing.Hell, I havent had time change. I have read the books. I have been working on my own life. I just can't lose this person. It may be God's path for me but I just cant. The thing is I dont know that if she came back that I could treat her like I promised. For this reason I feel like a failure. I do not want to die to hurt her I just want it to kill the pain. I took 36 sleeping pills the other night and drank a liter of crown royal. what happend- went to sleep for about 4 hours and woke up and started the same ole process again about worrying about my family. No hang over just hopelessness and dispair. Life really sucks. Although this xanax is kicking in right now and i feel only a little down. Thank you guys for the responses-it means a great deal to me. I am destroyed as a person and things will not be better tommorrow or the day after or the day after.
Hey Par-
this, as well as some of the other stuff that your wife has said to you might as well have come out of my own wife's mouth-- and back in september she moved away from me and took my two 6 year old boys with her-- saying it was to "pursue a dream opportunity"... well-- they finished kindergarten and they are still there. we have a lot in common... I played golf in college and live in a golf mecca. I'm a heart surgeon here and was on the boards heavy a while back. if you are on the "alt" I'm Elwood. friend me there and we should talk.
dude I am no one to talk. but what she is doing is projecting her own emotions on to you. It is the most hurtful thing in the world. even today my wife said to me "I can't be with someone who treats me like "s#$t". Par if anything I never said no to this woman. she knows I love her more than anything (even after betraying me and treating me like a dog) but yet she says these things to justify her own actions. I have spent a year now wallowing and trying to figure it out. I'm getting to the point now where I don't think I will ever figure it out. but I promise you this. there is someone out there who will be NICE to you. someone who will cherish you. I haven't started dating yet but I'm about there. hang in there buddy. it will get better. as someone said here-- do something different. one foot in front of the other.
Many of us on these boards have been where you are. I can HONESTLY tell you that the people on these boards SAVED my life.
In the darkness that you may see right now...will come the strength that YOU really have. Your tired dude...your frustrated...the pain can be overbearing.. It can..and I understand. It is okay to cry. Actually the best thing you can do.. You need to surround yourself with people who care. People who love you and believe in you. I don't know you Par...I don't...but I care man. I care cause I been there.
Now...please take one step forward...take a step for you. Do you know what that step is? It is a step that says...that screams - I will make it today! I will. I may hurt but I will pick myself and live for today. Just today.
The shiznit...that comes out of your wife's mouth is probably her pain. It is this pain that God must heal...He must also heal yours, which will take a little time. God is never late my friend. He is always on time but that time is his time.
Quote:
I just can't lose this person
I hate to say dude...that offing yourself is not going to help get her back. Do you know what may work? Time...strength. The strength that everyone on these boards knows is in you.
Look man you made mistakes..F - we all do. You can always fix a mistake...there is always hope...ALWAYS.
You've have asked for advise....here is my advise to you.
Stop the suicide thoughts..STOP them. Straight up dude. Just stop man.
Next - take the meds the doc gives you. I had to take pills for a few weeks to "keep the edge off" so to speak
Next - sit down and realize that God loves you...close your eyes and feel it..and I mean feel it.
Next - sit down and take the energy that right now feels like pain and write down what you are going to do tomorrow.
Finally, you are not destroyed...you are hurt and broken..BIG F'in difference. BIG. Know why? Cause broken can be fixed..Cause Hurt can heal. Healing is what you need to win this woman back...fixing the issues that you have is where you need to focus your energies on. Don't worry about the 600 miles..Just focus on your healing... keep posting - get it out..
I know that you can do this..I know that you can make it..I know that you have it in you and dude...I BELIEVE IN YOU!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I spent the last 3 days with her begging and asking for forgivness. She is so messed up on pain pills she doesnt know what is going on. She married the guy she just met. Married him. She said that they went to the JP and then went to the airport and she came home(she had a doc appoint to get more pills) so the marriage is not even consumated yet. Whatever, i dont care if it is or isnt. She told me this was fixable. We had sex twice and I bought her a bunch of stuff. So she walked all over me. I am doing better now. I really am. She left today to go back to austin. Her parents said she couldnt stay with them anymore. She was too crazy. It hurts me but this is insane to left someone do this to me. She knows I am hurt. She doesnt even really know the new guy she married (2 weeks) I dont know what happened to the girl I fell in love with. She is not there anymore. She really has lost her mind. The more I was around her the less I wanted her to be in my life. I will not kill myself. Sorry for those stupid thoughts. I will not call her or contact her again. The last letter that she wrote me yesterday i will post you can read it if you want. She was a good girl, not a slut, she has always had a pill problem it is just out of control. No one in her family wants her to stay with them. She says one moment she is getting the marriage annulled and the next that she is confused. I am not defending her but this was a good,nice sweet girl whom I really loved. She is not there.My Dearest Jeff, I have loved you unconditionally for nine years. Yes, we have had our good and bad times, our ups and our downs. We both have let our pride and egos get in the way of our true feelings toward each other. Yes, I have put a small wall up because it is so hard for me to be so vulnerable with you. For this I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I know that God put us together. We have so much in common, in fact, I believe God created you for me and me for you. Don’t ever give up hope! I am doing a lot of praying and I expect you to do the same. Get on your knees, pray out loud to God and do not get up until you feel His presence. Ask Him to guide, help and remove these feelings of hopelessness and despair. I have to do quite a bit of soul searching right now. I am very confused. I promise I will not leave you hanging. Since you have been dating, I truly believed that you no longer loved me. I know better now. Thank you for the poem and all of the emails. They meant the world to me in that I never knew you felt that way about me. You are a brilliant, loving, kind, handsome, smart, witty person. You have everything going for you. Think things through. Rely on Jesus. Who wants to live in this world without you in it. Certainly not me and your daughter, son and parents would be devastated. If you decide to end your life, I will blame myself for the rest of my life. There will be no healing for me, Katy , Colby, your brothers or your parents. I just ask for some time. I believe in you. I always have. I always will!! You are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. Keep the faith. Fight the good fight. Love you Always, The letter made me feel better at first but she lies so bad now that I cant believe anything she says. She looks awful. It makes me sick to see her like this. She says she is scared that I will not change and not verbally abuse her. I cant tell any people that I know this true story because they would think that I was crazy myself that I still cared about her.
She ask me if she called would I come get her. I told her I would. This story is so crazy. Why would I still want her. I am not going to call her or contact her like I said. It really helps to write it down on this site. It is still insane. I also found out she was mad at me because I didnt marry her back in May when we went on vacation. I was planning on doing it sometime. We have already divorced once before and got back together why rush into? She was not taking pills then. Her sister in law is austin with newly found cancer so she can think about everything with her OM in Dallas.
Wait a minute. If she's married to someone else, she's really not your responsibility any more. Honestly now. What has her H been doing while she's going through all this.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, she came home to go to the doctor for more pills and to go to Iowa for 3 weeks with her parents. She called me all the time and sent me emails. We are from professional families. This is not trailer park trash. Even though it seems that way. I went and saw her, she told her parents that we were friends. I told her how I felt about her and she said she made a huge mistake. Her parents were getting sick of her because she is actting crazy-staying up all night and crying and stuff. Yesterday we went and played tennis. I told her that I wanted her back and that I could not do this if she was going back to Dallas. She said this is fixable. She became hystrical and started crying her eyes out and telling me she wished that she would never wake up. Her mom kept calling telling us to come home so we did and they sit us down and ask us what was going on. I told them that I loved her and wanted to make things right. I told them I knew that I did wrong. Kara(we will call her) left the room crying. She came back in and her parents ask her what she wanted and she said that she loved me and knew that she should not have seen me because it made her want me back. This is hystirical crying. They told her she needed to choose. She would not answer. She said she needed closure. I said ok, I will leave. She followed me to the car and hugged me and I told her you know this means we can not talk anymore. And she couldn't understand why not. She was messed up on pain killers she didnt know what she was saying. I do think that if she wanted me she certainly had her opportunity. She got mad at me because I said I thought you were going to get this annulled. She said it would get her and her mom in a fight as soon as I leave. She does not love this guy. I believe that there is no possible way in two weeks but she doesn't want to be with me either. She has no where to go. Her parents will not let her live with them anymore, her dad does not want her at his house. It is pretty much me or the other guy. She told me and her parents that she is scared that I wont change my ways, that I always tell what she wants to hear and she comes running back and I devestate her. She ask me if I would come and get her if she called and ask me to. Anyhow, when they ask her what she was going to do she said I am married what am I suppose to do. I said you told me you were going to get it annulled and she got mad at me. It helps to write this out. This is a no brainer if I use my head. I am just thinking with my heart. I went to my car and told her she had closure now. I told her that means that we can not email, text or call anymore. She said that is not what I want. Crying of course and hugged me. Her mom took her inside and I guess they put her on a plane to Dallas or Austin. Don't really know. I think she will realize that her marriage was stupid. If she wanted to date someone else then date them but marrying someone after two weeks? I dont know for sure, but the story may be over here. If she contacts me I will talk to her. If she doesnt that I will not. I do not know what she will do.
This is a very unhealthy sick relationship but we do have fun together. Nobody knows if she really loves me or not. Nobody, including herself knows what she is going to do. She is looking for something safe. I pressured her but after reading someother posts I think that I am right. I have to draw the boundary somewhere. I have tried for several years to get over this girl. I have dated many others and think about her when I am with them. I have even slept with others, I thought it would start the healing. She is just a hard one. We always talk about how we are soulmates. She told me yesterday in her tears that she doesnt want to live without me, that she wants to be buried beside me. I dont think that she would say these things to lead me on. She doesnt know what she wants and is very confused. The drugs dont help either.
