It frees me because of that standard and line in the sand. Nothing more to talk about or figure out on my end. Takes the pressure off of me and puts it on them. Divorce would be filed in a heartbeat. Shows confidence and self esteem. If they want someone else, then have at it.. Totally free to be with them.. HOWEVER, you can't have ME too. I WILL be perfectly fine without you. I am a big boy. There are millions of women that would love to have a man like me and treat me really really well and be a great partner with me.
I wish I had been able to apply such a philosophy sooner in my situation, but the reason I didn't, and couldn't, is one that is ignored by this philosophy. My kids. My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions. I couldn't just say "Fine. You want him, you can have him", because I would effectively be saying "Fine. I freely give up half my kids' lives, and have no problem with you bringing a predator step-father into their lives." I was also grieving horribly for the loss of the family the kids were enduring. When kids are involved, especially young kids, it's not a simple act of letting the wayward spouse go, because they take some of the kids' lives with them. No court in my state would have ever awarded me with full custody.
Now that I've made it through my sitch, and am in a pretty good place, I've thought a lot about this. If we didn't have kids, how would I have acted differently? I am convinced that had we not had kids, I would have been able to let go and move on, much easier, and much sooner. I would have been able to employ complete no contact almost immediately and started healing. I would have been able to freely think about a new life, totally unencumbered by my past failed M. Thoughts of all the women out there who would "treat me right" wouldn't have been burdened with the added "need to be a great step-mom" too.
When kids are involved, "setting them free", is much more complicated, IMO.
