Awww shucks guys Now you've gone and made me cry, just a little.
Honestly, I don't know where I'd be without the support. Actually I probably do ... I'd be having a pity party and I'd still be searching outside myself for answers and validation.
Thank you. For all the tough questions, the 2x4s, the kicks in the a$$ ... all of it. Keep it comin'.
U all rock! Thank you.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
You are doing so well. It feels so good over here, doesn't it?
I've been told a few times that I have really been handling this well. I've also been told that I *really* checked out a long time ago. Do you think you *knew* a long time ago as well?
It's so hard to face. And then to come here and see the work that needs to be done. There isn't really a road map, just a general direction.
I am excited for my life. For my future.
For the first time in a long time I'm not wasting energy on making someone else happen, and I'm not waiting for them to be happy so I can be happy.
I don't think it's selfish. I think it's about time.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
You are doing so well. It feels so good over here, doesn't it?
I've been told a few times that I have really been handling this well. I've also been told that I *really* checked out a long time ago. Do you think you *knew* a long time ago as well?
It's so hard to face. And then to come here and see the work that needs to be done. There isn't really a road map, just a general direction.
I am excited for my life. For my future.
For the first time in a long time I'm not wasting energy on making someone else happen, and I'm not waiting for them to be happy so I can be happy.
I don't think it's selfish. I think it's about time.
It does feel good ... for sure. But I still have my moments where I need to stop and feel the hurt and pain, and I grieve ... and then I dust myself off and turn my face up to the sun and breathe deep ... and then, yes, I'm excited again! Feeling the hurt and pain is what is going to keep me real ... keep me remembering my role in this and keep me from repeating my mistakes.
And yes, I agree! It's about time girlfriend! Now pour me another and turn up the tunes
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Ok, at risk of sharing TMI I have to relate a funny story from this morning ...
So the background on yesterday first ...
Yesterday when H landed I was upset and cranky - left over from the 'confirmation' I got Wednesday night ... knew better but I was still processing it and should have steered clear for a bit. Anyway, ended up having a bit of conversation about how crappy the schedule worked out this week, give and take, and then I basically said "why don't we just put it on the table, we're in a place where we don't need deception ... I'm sure that you're not still holding to the agreement we had, and you know what, it doesn't matter ... blah, blah, blah" (and no 2x4 needed, I know, I know!!!) and H basically responds with "I'm not having an emotional affair (read - I AM having a physical affair?), I haven't just put stuff out there for 15 years (touche!) and it doesn't just come naturally (read - it takes work and that's hard - poor baby!). I left the room and went outside to chat on the phone with a friend and lay in the sun - helps me feel grounded. It worked.
I was laying out there and decided to make a peace offering (we were after all going to spend the entire afternoon and evening together with the kids). So I texted H from the deck and said "It's really hot out here" ... short text exchange and he joined me on the deck ...
We were just sitting in silence when he says "sorry for earlier" and I replied "me too, don't worry about it, chit happens". Then he says "sorry about all of this" to which I reply "I don't know what to say to that" and he says "I don't expect you to say anything". More silence, but not painfully uncomfortable, then I suggest instead of taking the kids to the fair grounds why don't we go to the beach. He agrees and we head in to get ready.
I put on my new suit and he makes some comment (here's the TMI!) about me being 'bathing suit ready' and I just flat out tell him that I had a brazilian this week. He stops and looks at me, raises his eyebrows and then moves on. We go on to have a fun time at the beach with the kids (pics on the alt) and then we have supper a greasy spoon and off to the fireworks for Canada Day. We got home late with the kiddos, put them to bed and he offered to 'let' me stay since I had to work today for a bit, and he took the couch.
So.... this morning I got ready for work and I'm standing in the kitchen talking to him when he comments on my hair - I just had it done and I've changed the color so that it's really dark underneath with light blond and red streaks on the top (usually keep it blond/light brown) ... he says "you've gone all crazy with your black hair and the wax job" to which I reply ... wait for it ... "hey, maybe I'm having a mid life crisis!" ... and he says "Trust me, they're not all they're cracked up to be!" I nearly friggin' died ... laughed for 10 mins over that one! He finishes with "I'm still hoping to get a motorcycle out of mine!" I laughed some more and then said "at least you can have a sense of humour about it" and he says "at least YOU can!"
I'm still chuckling! Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
First off... did it hurt? I don't know that I'd have the guts. lol!
I wonder if he was hoping for a round trip to Brazil last night, hence the invite to stay? Too bad. His passport needs serious updating. lmao!
I am just dying over the MLC exchange. On a serious note, I sometimes wonder if I'm not having one myself. Working out, going out, clothes, hair, shoes, new makeup... the whole shebang. Except in mine, I know why I'm making changes, I'm working on all the hard stuff & rewarding myself with some new stuff. I'm not running away from anything.
Maybe that's what makes us different.
I love the way your hair sounds. I did something like that last summer. I'll have to post pics. I love the blond streaks, but it just fries my hair, so I'll stick with the red.
It matches my disposition. lol!
I can't believe I'm having a convo about hair color.
I understand about feeling the pain & working through it. I'm not holding a grudge over the past. I still get hurt over his actions now, but I get reminded that he is confused & scared. I've been doing this for more than two years--he has been dealing with this for just over two months.
I can only keep treating him the way I want to be treated. I'm not going to get down & dirty with him, even though he is doing it. That is not the kind of person I am. It's not the kind of person I want to be. I want to be happy--and happy people don't go out of their way to inflict hurt upon someone else.
I'm glad you had fun yesterday. It's been a long time coming.
(still not comfy with the thought of hot wax & some stranger... you know)
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
