Question

[awest1217]

I told H to leave me alone again. Yesterday he texts me, after I asked him some questions about Saturday with no reply, how he blew up his parents power washer because he is cleaning everyone else's house but his own, which he tells everyone he lives at anyway. I asked why he was telling me, and he said because I wanted to know about what was going on in his life. I said no I want to know how he is feeling and where S and I fit in his life. I then asked about saturday and we went back and forth about plans. I hit him with how he was 2 hours late Wednesday and he said he knows...his alarm didn't go off...of course he can get up for anyone else, but for his S...no.

I ended by saying I want to be left alone. I let him know that I need time away from him to clear my head. He just said "sorry to bother you". He is only to contact me about S, but he won't even do that which makes me not like him even more. I have never taken this stance ever in our R, but I am now. I was putting some stuff away in a memory book I have and I read an email I had printed off and put in there. It was an email where H said OW1 was blocked on his AIM, and I could check and gave me his password. He said he had nothing to hide and she meant nothing. Funny because for the next 6 years...she was always popping up then Feb 2009 I find out that he loved her and always loved her. In the e-mail it said how we were supposed to go to a show together because they were "just friends". It is exactly what he has been trying to do with OW now. He will never be through with her even if he says he is, and everytime I think about texting him, I remember that I will never be the "only one" ever because it has never happened.

I never stood up to H ever in our R, or I would try and he would say something and I would just cave. It happened about everything in our relationship, even then I am sure I gave in and went to the show with her. With OW now, I knew something was wrong, but I allowed her around because I thought he would see how I was trying and choose me, but he never ever has.

I am really down right now. I have cried almost all week, and I have no one to talk to about it because everyone just wants me to get over it and divorce H already. I am figuring I am going to just have to do that, which I think is why I am crying so much. i really think reading that old e-mail and spending time with him Wednesday just killed the last bit of hope I had. He didn't do anything wrong on wednesday. I just realized that it is exactly what my life has always been. He is living in a fantasy world where he lives with us, but really he is a bachelor and a few times I told him that I didn't mind Wed or Sat because it is his once a month outing and we won't hear from him for a month so I can handle one day. I am just hurting so badly. I am going to try to go all next week not talking to H, then the week after (his car insurance should be in) I think I am going to sit down face-to-face and tell him that we are over. It is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do, but he is never going to change, and I am tired of living in his fantasy world.

It kills me because now I am saying I will be alone for forever, but it will be ok. I know many will say I won't be, but I don't want to deal with the step-parent thing. I don't want step-kids. I lived that life and I hated it. I hated never feeling good enough for my step-dad and how my mom never truly accepted my step-sibs. Yes, I know I could change how that is, but I don't want to try. I don't want to ever go through this ever again. I was thinking last night, and I remembered how I told H how I was worried God would kill him at a young age because no guy ever stays in my life...he didn't die, but he is still out of my life...

Sorry it is so long and depressing, but this is my only place to vent and right now, I feel a lot like I did last year at this time, alone.