Coach, about the WAW's need for "security" you hit the nail on the head with that one, although the word she used was stability, but the same needs underlie that.
The weird thing is she always claimed or liked to believe about herself that she didnt "need a man" to survive. That was one of the things that I was attracted to to begin with, that she seemed so confident and able to "do for herself". Im guessing now it was all a smoke screen she was throwing up for herself, as a defense in her own mind about not letting her get dependent on a man since her whole life they had screwed her over in one way or another. Then at some point (that I never noticed) something in her switched to being VERY "needy" of a man to take care of everything for her.
I mean stuff that on reflection I can see it now. For instance, just last summer her SUV overheated close to the house and she called me in tears about it. Of course I went right over and fixed it for her. But the extreme level of her reaction to such a mundane event was odd and somewhat annoying to be honest.And it wasnt the first time something relatively minor elicited such an over the top reaction from her.
She seemed over the last few years to make Mt Mckinley's out of molehills and importing drama quite often. Right during the beginning of the seperation she informed me that it was, in her mind, MY responsibility to provide her with a working vehicle !
I think one of the reasons Im having trouble reconciling the two different personalities in the WAW is because for the first few years of our R, she actually WAS fairly independant, worked very hard at one, sometimes two full time jobs, etc. It was once the kids came along that everything REALLY changed about her.
All of a sudden she despised actually having to work to help support the family, became very passive agressive about it,etc. Now, I understand where it came from, since her Dad walked out on her and her mom, and she was a "latchkey kid " by 7 or so and then she lost custody of her twins, she developed an extreme view regarding OUR two kids and was determined to be a SAHM, even if it meant that we would struggle immensely financially.
And thats what started driving ME away emotionally. The idea that a completly healthy and capable of working person, that previously held down multiple jobs would suddenly flat out REFUSE to find a job, even though it was painfully obvious that I couldnt support us all by myself.
So apparently what she expects me to do or be able to provide for her and the family is pretty much EVERYTHING. Pay ALL the bills, buy all the food, pay for the house, pay for the vehicles, and still have money left over to go do stuff, take trips , etc.
This is where the " Its ALL YOUR FAULT" that comes from her to me comes into play, almost like she's projecting at least SOME of her feelings or failures onto ME.
And thats why her current sitch works for her. The EX's place is paid off. The only concerns are utilities and property taxes and maintence. She doesnt HAVE to work if she doesnt feel like it.
The funny thing is, if it hadnt been left to him, he wouldnt even have that. I now know that she's been laid off and his work is sporadic at best. Thats what I meant the other day when I posted about the irony that she stated she was tired of "moving backwards" with me, but she doesnt see that the sitch she choose is far from a huge step up.
My job retraining starts next week and lasts a month. Once Im back to work (Im also going for my real estate license this fall) then my income will be significantly higher then it has been in years. And Im betting that once that happens ans is steady for quite some time and Im GAL, she will start coming sniffing around again. Because I will then have all those things she wants, financial, emotional, family, etc.
The next 6 mos to a year will certainly be interesting. The one X factor is how stubborn she can be. Even though it might very well be killing her with the "new me", I do wonder if she will swallow her pride enough to actually want to pursue me.
