Im REALLY trying to understand what your saying, even the counter intuitive stuff, you keep saying her resentment is about my "weakness". Why cant it simply be resentment over my behavior and neglect of her and how I hurt her ? That just seems like so much more a logical explanation. Or is this one of those sitch's where "logic" simply doesnt apply ? The really funny thing is I can almost beleive what you mean about the resentment being about "weakness" from her perspective, since she venomnously spat out at me a few weeks ago that she needed a MAN. Someone to take care of everything. But I must say it sure seemed like I was doing everything I could to take care of things, other then her emotional needs.
The thing is, based on what I heard tonight at DD counseling session, I may be in my very own Mission Impossible. I now know they are VERY big on " family dinner night " and "every night is game night " with the EX. Basically almost laughably over compensating for what the WAW felt was missing from our family life. The funnier part is its only possible for them to do it since neither one of them is working !!
WAW really has NO clue about the reality of trying to raise a family and work a full time job and the financial resources it takes. If the EX's place wasnt paid off and given to him, he wouldnt even have a roof over his head. Since the WAW was exclaiming she didnt want to "move backwards" anymore, it sure is funny to see thats exactly where she's placed herself.
Would it be considered setting appropriate "boundaries" for me to tell the WAW that she needs to stop bringing her new man to things like OUR DD's counseling sessions, OUR kids Bday parties, etc ??
When we were negotiating the custody agreement, one of the concessions she made was that there would be certain occasions where HE would NOT be involved. Unfortunately I was dumb enough to just take her word for it instead of getting it in writing, because I wasnt trying to antagonize the sitch.
Well DD's Bday party comes up on 8/21. And tonite he was there for the counseling. NOT actually part of it, but drove WAW there, was in the waiting room , etc. It REALLY pissed me off, the way she is throwing him in my face every chance she gets, although I didnt let on that it was. I basically ignored him.
But if I bring it up, Im certain she'll just use the old excuse about how she "cant be around me alone right now ". Just the other day when she brought the kids back and picked up some last minor things she had another guy friend with her then also.
Like I said, Im getting REALLY sick and tired of his constant presence and feel like I have the right to say as much, the flip side is I dont want her to know that he's getting to me with his presence either. Its quite the conundrum.
The really funny thing is I can almost beleive what you mean about the resentment being about "weakness" from her perspective, since she venomnously spat out at me a few weeks ago that she needed a MAN.
It is all about her perspective. You want to know why she thinks and acts certain ways it's because of how she feels.
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Someone to take care of everything. But I must say it sure seemed like I was doing everything I could to take care of things, other then her emotional needs.
She needs her man to be emotionally stronger than her so she feels safe. Pursuing her makes you look weak - emotionally weak to her.
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"move backwards"
she needs security - emotional, financial, family, sexual, intellectual. Security/safety is attractive the key is to not let it get boring.
Put the focus back on yourself. What are your plans for the big weekend?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The really funny thing is I can almost beleive what you mean about the resentment being about "weakness" from her perspective, since she venomnously spat out at me a few weeks ago that she needed a MAN.
It is all about her perspective. You want to know why she thinks and acts certain ways it's because of how she feels.
Quote:
Someone to take care of everything. But I must say it sure seemed like I was doing everything I could to take care of things, other then her emotional needs.
She needs her man to be emotionally stronger than her so she feels safe. Pursuing her makes you look weak - emotionally weak to her.
Quote:
"move backwards"
she needs security - emotional, financial, family, sexual, intellectual. Security/safety is attractive the key is to not let it get boring.
Put the focus back on yourself. What are your plans for the big weekend?
What "big weekend" ? You mean 4th of July ? NO "big plans" period ! Dont have the time and dont have the money. The only thing I'll be doing is taking the kids to meet up with her and her kids and their father(OM) for the morning parade and then hand them off to her for the middle part of the day, then meet up again that night for the fireworks. It will be the first time in nearly two months I'll get to spend more then 5 minutes with the twins.
My job retraining school starts next week, plus I have a TON of work to do on the new house, PLUS get moved into it all before July 20th. The next 2 weeks of my life are going to be ridiculously busy !
Would it be considered setting appropriate "boundaries" for me to tell the WAW that she needs to stop bringing her new man to things like OUR DD's counseling sessions, OUR kids Bday parties, etc ??
She needs the emotional security. Better for you to act like it doesn't bother you. This will be attractive.
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It REALLY pissed me off, the way she is throwing him in my face every chance she gets, although I didnt let on that it was.
Don't fool yourself. She saw it and it validated her feelings about you.
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Like I said, Im getting REALLY sick and tired of his constant presence and feel like I have the right to say as much, the flip side is I dont want her to know that he's getting to me with his presence either.
See you do get it. The boundary with the OM would have to be about unacceptable behavior, is him driving her to the counseling session really unacceptable?
Start smiling and saying Hi to every woman you meet, make eye contact and make them smile. High Five somebody today. Compliment the waitress or the girl behind the counter. Tell a woman she has nice eyes or smile or you like her hair or earrings. Go take a watermelon to a family for the 4th. Doing something nice for someone else will help you get out of your mental cycle. Try it and let us know how it works. I promise you will feel better.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Do you know a single woman that would like to go to the fireworks?
Being busy is good especially with your hands.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, about the WAW's need for "security" you hit the nail on the head with that one, although the word she used was stability, but the same needs underlie that.
The weird thing is she always claimed or liked to believe about herself that she didnt "need a man" to survive. That was one of the things that I was attracted to to begin with, that she seemed so confident and able to "do for herself". Im guessing now it was all a smoke screen she was throwing up for herself, as a defense in her own mind about not letting her get dependent on a man since her whole life they had screwed her over in one way or another. Then at some point (that I never noticed) something in her switched to being VERY "needy" of a man to take care of everything for her.
I mean stuff that on reflection I can see it now. For instance, just last summer her SUV overheated close to the house and she called me in tears about it. Of course I went right over and fixed it for her. But the extreme level of her reaction to such a mundane event was odd and somewhat annoying to be honest.And it wasnt the first time something relatively minor elicited such an over the top reaction from her.
She seemed over the last few years to make Mt Mckinley's out of molehills and importing drama quite often. Right during the beginning of the seperation she informed me that it was, in her mind, MY responsibility to provide her with a working vehicle !
I think one of the reasons Im having trouble reconciling the two different personalities in the WAW is because for the first few years of our R, she actually WAS fairly independant, worked very hard at one, sometimes two full time jobs, etc. It was once the kids came along that everything REALLY changed about her.
All of a sudden she despised actually having to work to help support the family, became very passive agressive about it,etc. Now, I understand where it came from, since her Dad walked out on her and her mom, and she was a "latchkey kid " by 7 or so and then she lost custody of her twins, she developed an extreme view regarding OUR two kids and was determined to be a SAHM, even if it meant that we would struggle immensely financially.
And thats what started driving ME away emotionally. The idea that a completly healthy and capable of working person, that previously held down multiple jobs would suddenly flat out REFUSE to find a job, even though it was painfully obvious that I couldnt support us all by myself.
So apparently what she expects me to do or be able to provide for her and the family is pretty much EVERYTHING. Pay ALL the bills, buy all the food, pay for the house, pay for the vehicles, and still have money left over to go do stuff, take trips , etc.
This is where the " Its ALL YOUR FAULT" that comes from her to me comes into play, almost like she's projecting at least SOME of her feelings or failures onto ME.
And thats why her current sitch works for her. The EX's place is paid off. The only concerns are utilities and property taxes and maintence. She doesnt HAVE to work if she doesnt feel like it.
The funny thing is, if it hadnt been left to him, he wouldnt even have that. I now know that she's been laid off and his work is sporadic at best. Thats what I meant the other day when I posted about the irony that she stated she was tired of "moving backwards" with me, but she doesnt see that the sitch she choose is far from a huge step up.
My job retraining starts next week and lasts a month. Once Im back to work (Im also going for my real estate license this fall) then my income will be significantly higher then it has been in years. And Im betting that once that happens ans is steady for quite some time and Im GAL, she will start coming sniffing around again. Because I will then have all those things she wants, financial, emotional, family, etc.
The next 6 mos to a year will certainly be interesting. The one X factor is how stubborn she can be. Even though it might very well be killing her with the "new me", I do wonder if she will swallow her pride enough to actually want to pursue me.
You can't win no matter how hard you try to think thru all the "whys." You keep running down "cheeseless tunnels."
Until you understand what is attractive and stir her positive feelings then you will remain stuck.
I tried it your way as well. I knew all the reasons it wasn't me and was my wifes problems. I just made things worse. Let me know when you want to try something that works.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I tried it your way as well. I knew all the reasons it wasn't me and was my wifes problems. I just made things worse. Let me know when you want to try something that works.
I stand before you guilty of having done the same thing. It didn't do me a bit of good either.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You can't win no matter how hard you try to think thru all the "whys." You keep running down "cheeseless tunnels."
Until you understand what is attractive and stir her positive feelings then you will remain stuck.
I tried it your way as well. I knew all the reasons it wasn't me and was my wifes problems. I just made things worse. Let me know when you want to try something that works.
Cheers
OF COURSE I want to do what works Coach. By journaling things as they come up or I realize something about the sitch and the WAW's behavior and a possible explanation for it isnt what I would define as "obsessing" so much as me having developed so much more awareness and going back and trying to put all the pieces together in the hopes of gaining insight or perhaps an "A-HA" moment.
Like the light bulb that went on for me the other day that I posted about. That her walking was in her mind a "pre emptive strike" if you will,before I could do it to her, because my emotional withdrawl from her in her mind was a metaphor for ME "walking away"
