Nothing fits

[mishka422]

Trying to soak it up but last night that came to a screeching halt and now I'm floundering BIG TIME.

I had stopped at the station to pick up a pizza he had brought with him from the other job and he was just fine. Joking with me and telling me about the glasses he got yesterday morning. I took Marc to his CAP meeting and called Gabe to tell him that Marc had the date wrong for his promotion ceremony and it wasn't last night. When he answered he sounded down and distracted but I thought he was probably busy. No biggie but it caused a strange uneasiness. He picked Marc up from his meeting (right accross the street from the station) and brought him home. Marc had been inside a few minutes when I realized Gabe hadn't come in yet. I asked Marc if he knew where he was and he just said that he was outside. He finally came in and I took some things to the kitchen and greeted him. He looked very upset (like he had cried) and so, out of reflex, I asked him if he was ok. He said, "No. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff." SCREECH. The last time he acted like this and those words came out of his mouth he had one foot out the door. I asked him if he wanted a piece of apple pie and he just shook his head, walked out the back door, got on the golf cart and left. Not one word about where he was going, what he was doing, who he was going to see. Nothing. My alarm bells started clanging so loud! I sat back down and finished watching the show mom and I had been watching but I was so distracted I can't begin to tell you what it was about. I told her that I was going to take a shower and go to bed and escaped into my bedroom. I had been in the shower about 2 minutes when Gabe popped the door open and said he was back.

When I was dressed, I came out of the bathroom and he was on the phone with his BMF. The convo became lots of 'yeah', 'mm hmm', 'no'....no convo on his side since I was there and then he left the bedroom to continue the convo. More alarms, more panicky feelings. When he came back he had a beer in his hand (he RARELY drinks unless he's upset) and was acting like there was nothing to talk about. I couldn't just let it gloss over. When he acts like this it's something drastic and he's about to do something drastic. I asked if he was going to tell me what had him so upset. He said, "No. I'm handling it. I don't need any help." GGGGRRRR!!!! I told him I wasn't offering to help, only to listen. Nope. I turned the light out and flopped on the bed. I was so upset I was shaking and I guess he could feel it on the other side of the bed because he rolled toward me and asked what was up. I told him that if he couldn't tell me what had him so upset then I assume it is me that is the problem. He said it's not me and hugged me and then laid there holding my hand.

It may not be me directly, but it's absolutely something to do with some emotional issue which I will bet you has to do with some woman. If not the broom, then another one. I'm not stupid. He is giving all the same signs he gave right before he walked out on us.

So....I'm being proactive. I'm not being open to him. I won't be vulnerable again. The walls are up, I'm shutting down, and he can go ahead and leave. I can't allow myself to be destroyed again so getting the barricades up quickly is essential to my mental health.

I knew this day was coming. It seems that no matter how hard I try it's not good enough to keep him interested. I'm not enough for him.