After I posted he left the house briefly and then knocked on my door. He told me that he called the OW and told her to tell the truth to her husband, but that was all. He left the house this morning early, looking very hang-dog.
I guess I just go to my parents house with the kids for the long weekend as I planned and see if he is here when I get back, which would indicate he is willing to end the affair?
waterbur
No, not really.
What you do, is come up with the following:
1. Your list of Boundaries of Personal Integrity -- your "dealbreakers" if he tells you he wants to come back. These should only be 3-5 things (not some "laundry list" of "demands"), but might include:
- MCing with a good family therapist, preferably one who specializes in infidelity;
- no-contact letter sent to OW, the copy of which is to be approved by you and it's to be mailed by you (so that he doesn't add or subtract anything);
- full transparency. He changes his cellphone #, with detailed billing on the new one that comes to you. Changes his e-mail address(es), and you have all passwords to everything. He leaves his cellphone unlocked when around the house, and you can check it anytime you want to. Etc. I would include in this transparency plan, Waterbur, at least ONE method of intel that is UNBEKNOWNST to him -- maybe a keylogger on the computer, for instance.
- a full-panel STD test, with you getting a copy of the results.
Those are just suggestions, but the no-contact and the transparency are must-have's.
2. The other thing you may want to do now, in the quiet of the moment, is really think about how many "strikes" you want to allow him (how much re-contact). One, but only if he self-confesses it? One, even if YOU discover it, but he cops to it when confronted? Two? More? Other? Because if/when it happens, you'll be so upset and you may say or do things that you regret; it's best to decide UP FRONT, when you're not as angry, what you are willing to tolerate. WHATEVER you decide, you should probably only tell him that you'll tolerate NOTHING other than "I would expect no further contact with her after we send her the letter, and if she DOES try to contact you, I would expect for you to tell me about it. For my part, I promise not to 'lord it over' you."
