The only reason I want him back is because I have a very hard time believing that the person before me now is really and truly him. We were together for so, so many years and there was never a hint of this behavior, not a scrap of anger or mean-spiritedness or looking at or even conversing with other women. I knew where he was pretty much at all times. We were one another's best friends completely and really excluded other people so much. All holidays spent together, never went out separately, entirely intertwined, which I know wasn't the healthiest thing NOW but that's how it was. It was only in this past year that he changed so much, and this last part of his transformation happened literally overnight. One day an amazing wonderful marriage, the next day this bomb and from then on, I feel like when I look at him there is something very dead behind the eyes. Like an alien took him. So the reason I want him back is that I find it very hard to believe this is really him and I think he is going through something very powerful that has taken him over and my hope is that he comes out of it at some point before I've thrown in the towel. I don't feel in can throw in the towel yet.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I guess a followup question I have is this: I am finding it very hard to be angry at him. I know that sounds insane. Yes I am entirely betrayed and hurt, but I find it hard to be angry. I guess because again I keep thinking this isn't really him right now but this "addiction" talking. Or the "mid-life crisis" talking. People are bothered by the fact that I haven't exploded or burned his stuff or whatever, and I just can't summon anger at him. I am angry at the OW, totally, and I don't deny that he made this choice as much as she interfered with his marriage, but why can't I feel anger, or is that coming? It has been about 3 weeks since it all started.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hi Antonia. I know how you feel and I wanted you to know you are not alone. I wouldn't even consider R with my H if I didn't believe that he is an inherently good person. Yes, something very powerful has taken all of these WS over. A new relationship is exciting, elicit and addictive. It actually affects their brains by releasing feel-good hormones. It's not fair to compare it to a long-term deeper R, but they have foggy brains and aren't thinking clearly.
As far as not being angry, don't worry about that. Three weeks is not a long time. It's possible you are still in a bit of shock and still processing. In any event, you feel what you feel, when you feel it. Everyone handles crises differently. I went through an anger stage many months after I found out. It is what it is. Commonly referred to as the emotional roller coaster. It sucks and it's unfair, but you must ride it out to recover...if only for yourself.
Me - Faithful wife H - WAH Bomb: Fall/2009 - PA/EA with OW for 1 year Both in our early 40's M - 16 years w/ no kids T - 21 years Separated since July of 2008 - H living with his mother
It's not him, you are dealing with an addiction.. We've tried to explaint hat to you...
WHen you hear him talk, its the addiction talking. When you see him do things, its the addiction controling him...
Yes, he will not appear as the man you married.. He's not, he's addicted to something and until that ENDS you wont' see that man anytime soon... You HAVE to treat the ADDICTION and accept that he has that problem FIRST and DEAL with it... Or decide its too much and to walk away...
I guess a followup question I have is this: I am finding it very hard to be angry at him. I know that sounds insane. Yes I am entirely betrayed and hurt, but I find it hard to be angry. I guess because again I keep thinking this isn't really him right now but this "addiction" talking. Or the "mid-life crisis" talking. People are bothered by the fact that I haven't exploded or burned his stuff or whatever, and I just can't summon anger at him. I am angry at the OW, totally, and I don't deny that he made this choice as much as she interfered with his marriage, but why can't I feel anger, or is that coming? It has been about 3 weeks since it all started.
How much, and what type of, intel are you gathering?
Trust me, I had a much harder time with the "loving" half of the "loving detachment" thing than I did with the "detachment" half, once I saw and heard what I did.
The other thing is Antonia that you haven't been dealing this this for very long have you? This comes in phases...
Anger isnt' really important, but you DO need to be objective enough to play hardball here... If you get too sympathetic or empathize too much your H's just going to USE that and YOU are now ENABLING him
No I guess it hasn't been that long, it just feels like it has.
As for intel I am pretty confident I know everything. When I confronted him about the possibility of the OW, he gave me plenty of info. In fact he seemed to want to give me every little detail. He said several times that he needed to divulge all of it so I'd know what I was dealing with. He said repeatedly that the only physical part of the rel. happened over a two week period, and that if I looked back, that coincided with his insomnia, because the guilt was eating away at him. He said "I will answer any question you have honestly." So I asked away. There really is no one else to gather info from because he truly kept it hidden but for one other person who was the one who confronted him (a coworker) who then told him when he came clean to her that he HAD to tell me before things got further. He and I have never been able to keep secrets. This was the first time he ever kept a secret from me and he was incapable of keeping it for very long.
I don't think there is more to it, simply because he seems very unwilling right now to actually take steps to file for divorce, and he knows that if I knew that there was more, I'd probably be the one to file, so that would remove a very difficult task for him to undertake. It would only rush things along for HIM if there were more. So there can't really be more. He showed a tremendous amount of guilt before he left, now, he's not.
The screwy thing is that now that he told what he did and moved out, it's like his guilt is not apparent. He seems to think it's ok that he has continued the affair because he is not living with me. But yet, he is still my husband. He is seeing her in public, it is getting around, and he is clearly embarrassed, but rather than own up to saying he is morally wrong because he is NOT making moves to divorce me, he is blaming me for it getting out when I've had nothing to do with it. I guess again, that is the addiction talking.
So I think for me while I can't get angry yet, I also have to be more objective with him. He knows where I stand, so I need to stop saying it because it gets me nowhere. I think I need to keep reading the detachment stuff to work at that harder.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I know what she means. I have not had trouble being objective/angry with my H currently. However, in the past, I was just much too hurt to be angry or objective. You have to almost dig up the strength to fight the good fight instead of sinking. If you are depressed, make sure to seek help for it!
Allen I'm very afraid to put a sig together with any details at all because I am not so sure he won't find this site. He knows about DR because I read it last year and we talked about parts of it last year, so he's aware of the author and title. Even very recently I talked to him about material in it, like the day or so before he left. If I put our ages or dates or anything, he'll be sure to find me. My screen name is not my real name but he's smart enough I think to figure it out. Just too paranoid right now, sorry ;-)
Exposure has been to both families, many mutual friends, and to my own friends who are less connected with him. A lot of us work in the same field and I do think that one friend who is more his than mine may be the one who told another, who told another, and so on and that's why it "got out". Either that or the OW's side exposed; heck even her ex may be responsible.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
