I should also mention that my appt with the counselor ran a little long (1 hr and then extra 15 minutes! Yay me!), was very insightful and informative and she gave me 'permission' to draw the hardline boundary with Dan as well as the motivation to do so. Good deal.
Since I have been kindof in the same camp as you regarding too much contact with my STBXW, and getting yanked around on a rollercoaster/treadmill or whatever you want to call it, I'm curious as to what you mean by drawing a hardline boundary - how will you implement it and what was the motivation the IC gave you to do so. Thanks. BA
Basically I explained to my C what I had written in my unsent letter to Dan that I posted, I think it was last week. She said it was good to share with her but not Dan as he would not respond in any way that would be rewarding for me. But just being HEARD and VALIDATED was so nice for my mind and my heart.
Then we discussed the events of the past couple weeks, where Dan will blow up at me and then within 12-18 hours (if not sooner) I will get a random text. Like how he blew up at me on Tuesday and then Wednesday a.m. it was, "You should get a quote for that water main issue I would call xyz plumbing", then "Tell the kids dad says thanks for the ear infection."
She said he wasn't texting that to tell the kids because who would try to pin blame on kids? She said he was wanting me to know he was sick. That crazymakers with personality defects want to leave but they do not want us to be unavailable. She predicts that any time he is out of line with me he will soon after try to reconnect with a random text (remember last week he texted me from Canada to offer me some Chinese food leftovers he had in his fridge?
I told her I didn't understand why he kept contacting me about these random things after telling me quite adamantly, "I am DONE with you, with us." She said it is obvious he is NOT done. Not by a long shot. She said people who are truly 'done' do not tell you they are done (where have I heard that before? ), they just stop contacting, reaching out, communicating.
Not that he wants me back by any means. But he is very much used to having me within arm's reach and any time he acts rudely he has to reach out soon after to try and make sure I am 'still there'...
She also said that the times when he sends me a flurry of communications (last week when he arrived in Canada I got five or six texts in a row, first about Nathan's ball gear, then about the chinese food, then asking how we were enjoying Kansas City), he is either bored, between girlfriends, or missing having a connection. Then he gets his BBJ fix and is good to go for awhile.
Oh also when I went to pick up the kids Tuesday and Sydney started acting out, I mentioned he snarled at me, "She hasn't done this in three days until YOU got here"??
She said that is totally guilt-based and defensive. That addicts (and she thinks he has that kind of mentality) know they are wrong, know they have done/are doing the wrong thing. The guilt eats at them and so they feel the need to defend themselves and deflect blame instead of looking inward. So she said the madder he gets at me, in actuality he is actually that frustrated with himself but can't bear to face it so he projects it onto me. For example after Nathan's game when I asked about child care plans. He realized I hadn't made the plans for him, realized he had screwed up by not having a plan in place for the kids, then shifted the blame onto me for not doing it for him. She said most likely he was actually pissed at himself and ashamed for once again dropping the ball so he had to push it off on me...
There is lots more BA sorry to go on and on but you asked! Basically she said no matter how loudly or adamantly he may shout "I am DONE", he is NOT going to be done as long as I am available to him. He is also not going to change. So she gave me 'permission' not to acknowledge any of his calls or texts unless he specifically leaves a message that pertains to the kids. She even carried it out into those random fears we may have about, "What if I don't take the call and it was important?"
She said, "If he texts you 'call me' and that's all, you don't call. If you come to find out later he was at the ER with your sick child, that doesn't mean you are the bad parent for not calling him, it means HE was irresponsible for not leaving a specific message relaying the urgency of the situation."
But just being HEARD and VALIDATED was so nice for my mind and my heart. 
