Got my thread title from some banter on my all time favorite show. Gilmore Girls. Funnier in context but anyway, here goes.
Emily: But at some point, you have to face facts, and the facts are that he's moved on. And therefore, I should move on also.Lorelai: Absolutely, move-on.org
Also part of a country song...
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long I'm movin' on
So there it is. Off the carousel, the treadmill that goes and goes but stays in place. This time I cannot get back on...
In keeping with that theme, I am getting a new bike. Gonna start hitting the trails around here.
I should also mention that my appt with the counselor ran a little long (1 hr and then extra 15 minutes! Yay me!), was very insightful and informative and she gave me 'permission' to draw the hardline boundary with Dan as well as the motivation to do so. Good deal.
Oh and we are diagramming sentences into trees in linguistics class (on break now). This nerd is loving it!
Hey BBJ, glad to hear you got some good advice from your C. Personally I prefer email communication with her, I can take my time to respond and word, re-word it several times until I'm satisfied. It's the phone or face to face that I have trouble with, I'm either tongue tied or it's on like donkey kong
Are you getting a mountain bike or a road bike? I have both, enjoy mountain biking more but not a lot of girls do it so I'm gonna do more road biking in the future- yeah, I know my priorities
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Hey BBJ, glad to hear you got some good advice from your C. Personally I prefer email communication with her, I can take my time to respond and word, re-word it several times until I'm satisfied. It's the phone or face to face that I have trouble with, I'm either tongue tied or it's on like donkey kong
Are you getting a mountain bike or a road bike? I have both, enjoy mountain biking more but not a lot of girls do it so I'm gonna do more road biking in the future- yeah, I know my priorities
I am splitting the difference and buying a hybrid bike. Anything will be an improvement over a 1995 Roadmaster!
I have been chatting with a fellow teacher/coach online for the past couple weeks. He likes running and has been looking into biking as a friend of his does road races (cycling not running). He teaches high school and coaches tennis. It has been nice chatting, he seems pretty level-headed and caring, loves teaching and his two little boys. We'll see....I had let my match expire but they hooked me back in with those emails of "someone just emailed you", "someone is interested in you" b.s.
My extra month ends next Thursday. I have been planning to let it lapse because I didn't think I was in the appropriate mental/emotional state to be dating. However I am going to see how things play out with the teacher/coach because he appreciated that with me having kids I am not rushing into anything and neither is he. It would be nice to have someone to run or bike with or do dinner once in a while when I don't have the kids. Even if it turns out to be a friendship like I have with you guys, where you have been through Divorce and you 'get it'. Don't have any real life divorced friends. Which is good for them but hard to find anyone who shares my p.o.v.
I should also mention that my appt with the counselor ran a little long (1 hr and then extra 15 minutes! Yay me!), was very insightful and informative and she gave me 'permission' to draw the hardline boundary with Dan as well as the motivation to do so. Good deal.
Since I have been kindof in the same camp as you regarding too much contact with my STBXW, and getting yanked around on a rollercoaster/treadmill or whatever you want to call it, I'm curious as to what you mean by drawing a hardline boundary - how will you implement it and what was the motivation the IC gave you to do so. Thanks.
I'm the same with no real life friends who have experienced divorce, apart from the ones I have met here. That is why I appreciate this place to just come and talk.
Thanks Jules. I have no idea why I typed Jules and not Julia it just seemed right. Hope you don't mind!
Making friends is my biggest challenge at the moment but I think I am breaking out of that. Living in a fishbowl of a small town it is sometimes difficult. Sad to say but some 'cliques' have long been established and they are hard to break into. I know it isn't high school anymore, but a lot of the girls/women here in my age bracket went to my high school and moved back here at the same time, and were already friends back then, so they have their own little clubs it seems. However thanks to facebook I have connected with a few ladies who were a year or two younger than me in high school; I wasn't close with them then, but they are nice and fun. One posts a lot about her training program, she has lost 70 pounds after gaining 85 through pregnancies and 'life'. She also mentions going out for a beverage now and then. So I messaged her that we should work out some time and then reward ourselves with a drink. She thought that would be a great idea. Just want to make sure I don't come across as creepy/stalker to anybody!
I floated the idea of a 'card club/bunco group' to several ladies last summer and there was some interest but then it gave way as they all had busy lives with husbands, kids, jobs, etc. We'll see what I can come up with!
Just finished my final Journal for linguistics class. Decided to go for broke and took the online final as soon as I finished the journal. Now only one assignment left and I am done with the class! Last actual class session is tomorrow. Then it is officially summer for me!
Oh and Dan asked if he could have Nathan for an hour for baseball and I said ok. When he brought him back my little niece was here to spend the night. She had been staying with my mom all week as my sister and her hubby and older two girls are in D.C. Niece (3) has not seen Dan in a year. She ran to him and he put his arms out and she crawled up on him. That was nice for her to get to hug him because she loves him still. And when Dan brought Nathan back we were all in the backyard and my dad had come in to visit. So Dan had to say Hi to my dad whom he hasn't seen in months.
Then the upside, he gave me my settlement check! So looks like I will be replacing the 1999 Honda sometime this month. Will be awesome to be able to put down half the purchase price when I buy it. The rest of the money will be going into savings until I meet with a financial planner. That is part of my summer 'get organized' plan. Need to find out just how much alimony $$ I should be putting in savings to cover my tax responsibility. There were other things I wanted to discuss with a planner but I am sipping a margarita at the moment and those things escape me. Sad that I am only having one, have been nursing it for 45 minutes and I am still feeling the effect. Anyway I have other goals, the house needs resided in the next couple of years, I have small ($5K) credit card debt I plan to wipe out with part of the settlement, and then I need to build up my savings in case my job goes south at some point. I plan to stay in this house another 5 years at least so I want to make sure I can afford it and then have some savings for when my alimony stops. That's in 8 years or sooner if I remarry, so I will say 8 years!
I should also mention that my appt with the counselor ran a little long (1 hr and then extra 15 minutes! Yay me!), was very insightful and informative and she gave me 'permission' to draw the hardline boundary with Dan as well as the motivation to do so. Good deal.
Since I have been kindof in the same camp as you regarding too much contact with my STBXW, and getting yanked around on a rollercoaster/treadmill or whatever you want to call it, I'm curious as to what you mean by drawing a hardline boundary - how will you implement it and what was the motivation the IC gave you to do so. Thanks. BA
Basically I explained to my C what I had written in my unsent letter to Dan that I posted, I think it was last week. She said it was good to share with her but not Dan as he would not respond in any way that would be rewarding for me. But just being HEARD and VALIDATED was so nice for my mind and my heart.
Then we discussed the events of the past couple weeks, where Dan will blow up at me and then within 12-18 hours (if not sooner) I will get a random text. Like how he blew up at me on Tuesday and then Wednesday a.m. it was, "You should get a quote for that water main issue I would call xyz plumbing", then "Tell the kids dad says thanks for the ear infection."
She said he wasn't texting that to tell the kids because who would try to pin blame on kids? She said he was wanting me to know he was sick. That crazymakers with personality defects want to leave but they do not want us to be unavailable. She predicts that any time he is out of line with me he will soon after try to reconnect with a random text (remember last week he texted me from Canada to offer me some Chinese food leftovers he had in his fridge?
I told her I didn't understand why he kept contacting me about these random things after telling me quite adamantly, "I am DONE with you, with us." She said it is obvious he is NOT done. Not by a long shot. She said people who are truly 'done' do not tell you they are done (where have I heard that before? ), they just stop contacting, reaching out, communicating.
Not that he wants me back by any means. But he is very much used to having me within arm's reach and any time he acts rudely he has to reach out soon after to try and make sure I am 'still there'...
She also said that the times when he sends me a flurry of communications (last week when he arrived in Canada I got five or six texts in a row, first about Nathan's ball gear, then about the chinese food, then asking how we were enjoying Kansas City), he is either bored, between girlfriends, or missing having a connection. Then he gets his BBJ fix and is good to go for awhile.
Oh also when I went to pick up the kids Tuesday and Sydney started acting out, I mentioned he snarled at me, "She hasn't done this in three days until YOU got here"??
She said that is totally guilt-based and defensive. That addicts (and she thinks he has that kind of mentality) know they are wrong, know they have done/are doing the wrong thing. The guilt eats at them and so they feel the need to defend themselves and deflect blame instead of looking inward. So she said the madder he gets at me, in actuality he is actually that frustrated with himself but can't bear to face it so he projects it onto me. For example after Nathan's game when I asked about child care plans. He realized I hadn't made the plans for him, realized he had screwed up by not having a plan in place for the kids, then shifted the blame onto me for not doing it for him. She said most likely he was actually pissed at himself and ashamed for once again dropping the ball so he had to push it off on me...
There is lots more BA sorry to go on and on but you asked! Basically she said no matter how loudly or adamantly he may shout "I am DONE", he is NOT going to be done as long as I am available to him. He is also not going to change. So she gave me 'permission' not to acknowledge any of his calls or texts unless he specifically leaves a message that pertains to the kids. She even carried it out into those random fears we may have about, "What if I don't take the call and it was important?"
She said, "If he texts you 'call me' and that's all, you don't call. If you come to find out later he was at the ER with your sick child, that doesn't mean you are the bad parent for not calling him, it means HE was irresponsible for not leaving a specific message relaying the urgency of the situation."
Oh and one more thing. Re. being the 'rescuer': she said to look at how frustrated I get when I see MIL swooping into the rescue. I point out how she is insulating him, protecting him to the point that he does not feel the ramifications of his actions. And as much as that bothers me I need to realize that is what I have been doing, too. Even when I do it for the kids' sake.
For example on the child care thing. She said, if he had taken the kids in that next morning without setting it up, maybe the kids WOULD have missed out on breakfast. Maybe Nathan wouldn't have gotten to go swimming because he didn't pack a swimsuit, etc. etc. However, the kids' unhappiness and discomfort would have fallen entirely on Dan as the parent responsible at the time. And chances are if Dan experienced that ONCE he would catch on quick and it wouldn't happen again. So the kids' inconvenience for one day would be worth the increased responsibility it would force Dan to take on...
lol, no worries, loads of people in rl call me that
On the making friends thing, sometimes it can just be a question of confidence. We know you're fabulous, you know you are fabulous and if they don't think you're fabulous then it is their loss Sometimes if you act as if people are already your friends then they just become them. Also, are there activities you could join?
I have to make new friends constantly now I am moving from place to place and it is hard and most of the time I don't much feel like it, but I have to just push on anyway because life is much more fun with people than without.
Sad that I am only having one, have been nursing it for 45 minutes and I am still feeling the effect. 