Just found out she already filed

[ClingingToHope]

SR. I know the DB stuff pretty well and how you are supposed to act happy to show them what they are missing. I'm like you, I can't fake it. Right now I'm fighting anger issues and every time I see her I basically ignore her.

That's working for me, but I don't think it's working for my girls because they see it.

So I'm kind of thrashing around, trying to figure out how to handle things moving forward.

I'm 99 percent happy with the way I've conducted myself. It's that last bit.

One thing, don't play the martyr. That line about being taken to the cleaners -- confidence. You will be OK.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks CTH. As I wrote elsewhere I really don't know how else to interact. I feel angry (mostly because I feel helpless that I can't fix this and I've been a fixer my whole life) and I can't hold it all inside for too long. Especially when she was going through the house asking for things and I kept saying 'sure' 'fine' 'go ahead' - at what point do I put my foot down and say 'no dammit, if you wanted out then go, leave and buy your own sh*t'.

This morning she sends an email saying she forgot x,y,z and attaches a list of more things she wants. But she started with a Hi - which if I know her tells me she knows that I was upset and this is her way of showing me she's a nicer, sympathetic person when I know she knows that it's only for show and she still has control over me and I'm still heart broken over her etc. This is why I was upset at myself that I let her see she can still pull my strings and whenever we're face to face those pent up feelings come rocketing out no matter how cool, calm and confident I try to act via emails.

I was doing so darn well too since I last saw her in court a couple of months ago and now I'm in the trenches. When the house wasn't bothering me now that she associated her label with lots of things she wants its making me imagine a house without those things. So the house is bothering me a bit. I'm also concerned that if I kept a few of those things they'll remind me of her. Why do I care about her still? why after all that's happened some part of me still wants her back when I know I can't trust her and she can leave again whenever it suits her. Why can't I just move on. I struggled with myself yesterday to not hug her as she stood around for a few seconds after saying bye. Why am I so pathetic that I feel I need her.

OK I'm done pouring my heart out for now...I guess there are no answers.

[BobbiJo]

Wow we just talked about this at my counselor today! I told her how Dan chewed me out the other night and then first thing in the morning texts me a cheerful message. She said it is their way of making sure they haven't lost their 'hold' on us, so to speak. They may not want us, but they like having us around and if they do something to push us away they want to check back and try to ensure that we are still there for them if they decide they want something....


On the house items, I would say keep a short list of non-negotiables, if there are must-have things at the house that you want. In my case, I wanted to keep the kids' beds, my hope chest, some of that stuff. I knew he would want to keep the tools and farm stuff and telling him to just keep them (vs. selling them off and splitting profits) gave me some leverage in keeping the furniture.

And in some cases, you may want to keep the items for now even if they aren't on display. I would hate for you to throw something out because of the negative reaction you have now, only to regret it later.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I agree it's part them wanting to keep a hold on us, or having us in their back pocket should they need to turn back and part of it I think is just to ease their guilty conscience. They know they've done damage and they want to come across as sane, normal and even nicer.

Well in the grand scheme of things she could've asked for half of everything but she hasn't. However, a few things are rather big and will change the total look of the house which maybe OK but probably will upset DD that even the house looks different. I see the house as a sanctuary for DD- though it has the old memories associated with it too and she probably misses her mom there. I keep thinking I should hire an interior designer to make the house a home again for me and DD. You know all the things girls buy like candle holders, picture things, decorations, trinkets and what not. I have no clue about that stuff. I'm like ok there's my lazy-boy, the tv, the bed and the george foreman grill...check, check and check. I'm good.

On the other hand I don't know if I'll even be able to keep the house...sigh.

[bluestar]

Take your D shopping. Let her pick our some "homey" things. You can direct her maybe let her choose between two candles or lamps. If you make this about "a new adventure" that you and D get to share, she'll get excited about changes instead of anxious. Don't get me wrong. She'll still miss mom but she might not care that the living room is rearranged if she got to pick out the new _____ and help decide where to put it.

[g450]

SR,

My heart goes out to you as well. Like you I can't seem to detach and although she is 100% moved on and done with me she is in my thoughts every day and I still ache for her every day.

In my sitch she basically started packing stuff up while we were in an in-house separation. Still do not know what all she took but it didn't matter. Told her to leave me my vehicle, my firearms, one tv, one dvd player, my bed, washer dryer etc and she could take everything else. So I was OK with that.

Funny thing was that even after the divorce she thought she could still come over and take stuff that she "forgot about". I had to set her straight on that.

I remember her wanting to take our family tent and camping equipment. Mind you she lives alone. I told her NO! Who the hell was she going to go camping with? She claimed there was no OM. Im sure Ill find that out later one way or another as her online boyfriend lives four states over.

After I found out about her affair I took my key back. We no longer communicate in any shape or form. Good for me in the long run but I still get the urge to call or text her. God help me if I do!

I wish you well. Be strong.

[Gardener]

Romeo,

Didn't go very well...I couldn't put up a front and got a few things off my chest if you know what I mean and acted snubbed and quiet mostly.Just disappointed in myself...but I just couldn't fake a smile and fun attitude.

Don't be disappointed in yourself for being true to yourself.

[Gardener]

Romeo,

Especially when she was going through the house asking for things and I kept saying 'sure' 'fine' 'go ahead' - at what point do I put my foot down and say 'no dammit, if you wanted out then go, leave and buy your own sh*t'.

I did the same thing, thinking, "Sure, take it. I don't want it. It's just stuff. Stuff that reminds me of you."
I regretted it at first but now am glad I did it. Along the same vein, while I have said I have emptied my house of all tangible reminders of her (selling, tossing gifts, presents, etc.,) on Wednesday, I checked over the SA list of all things that were mine and that were hers and going to her after the house sells, and I decided not to live in our house (but MY home) with her things about and hanging up, etc.

So everything that is listed in the SA as reverting to her when the house sells was promptly removed and put in the basement. I have no need of living among/seeing her possessions. And who knows? With the house and rooms looking that much emptier ("empty is good; it looks larger," says RE Broker), perhaps we'll get a lower offer (or any offer) from potential buyers who think, "Oh, these people are almost out of here!"

When the house wasn't bothering me now that she associated her label with lots of things she wants its making me imagine a house without those things.

See above. It actually feels better, more like mine, more purged of her this way.

Why do I care about her still? why after all that's happened some part of me still wants her back when I know I can't trust her and she can leave again whenever it suits her. Why can't I just move on. I struggled with myself yesterday to not hug her as she stood around for a few seconds after saying bye. Why am I so pathetic that I feel I need her.

Because you are human, decent, sentimental, still have that last, understandable hope. Detachment is a journey, not a destination.

OK I'm done pouring my heart out for now...I guess there are no answers.

No you're not. And, yes, there are. It just takes time.

[g450]

If I could add a bit of humor to an ugly situation.

When my XW was doing this I remembered the old Edie Murphy comedy video where he jokes about his uncle getting drunk and proclaiming "It's my house MF!".

If took this rather juvenile state of mind to heart after she left and it made me feel better. I then proceeded to rearange things in my house and get rid of all the crap and arrangements that we used to argue about 20 years ago and I gave into for tru-luv. I know it's juvenile but it worked. It made me feel better.

[Gardener]

g450,

I then proceeded to rearange things in my house and get rid of all the crap and arrangements that we used to argue about 20 years ago and I gave into for tru-luv. I know it's juvenile but it worked. It made me feel better.

Ditto. Amen.