Setting them free

[Swiss Miss]

Well no, I don't think he does feel strong and independent. Interesting. He has horrible self-esteem that he covered up with bravado and thought he was a complete screw-up even though he had a good job, a family, was a responsible citizen, good to his extended family, etc. I didn't believe in projection until all this started but I sure do now. We were married 12 years.

I took all the blame, I think, because I don't mind admitting when I'm wrong (and I often was) and he hates being wrong. I don't think his self-esteem can take it. I fought it but in the end I always allowed him to convince me. The other problem is that the problems I caused in our M were obvious and his were under the surface. With some time and distance it's really obvious what he was doing to contribute. But it wasn't at the time. I have thought he was codependent from almost the beginning of our marriage. But I don't know what I was doing that made him that way, it was honestly pretty much that way from when we met at 17.

I don't think I'm a fixer in almost any way, to be honest. One of the reasons I was happy enough being married to him was that I accepted his faults and worked around them. I thought he was a pretty great guy for the most part, again because his issues were under the surface. I would say he's the fixer, I could make a list as long as my arm about complaints he had with me. Being married to his mom was not one of them, if anything he would have liked more hovering and fussing. So maybe he'd like to be married to his mom? Except she drives him crazy!

I'm well aware of how he'd like me to be, some of it I can do, some of it's a stretch. I made a list of what I did wrong in our marriage, which was really unpleasant, but then I made one about him, which made me feel better! This is all part of the reason that life has been so easy and peaceful and happy since he left. But he was (and still is) a good dad and a good husband for the most part and I miss him. And there was a lot of good.