First off... ah screw it lets itemize them in a table as usual...
1. It's NOT over.. he's going to call her, again, and again, and again.. he's very likley giong to sleep with her again, and again, and again 2. YOU got played.. he is NOT ready to come back.. that was a trick he just played on you... he wants to go back to cake eating like before and you told him OK 3. He is addicted, it NEVER ends this easily... guaranteed you have a battle on your hands 4. He just used the in person meeting to get his attachment fix again.. he WILL go back... I have NO DOUBT about that...
He ALSO has to DROP that IC of his and get one that is NOT affiliated with OW or OWM... one who hopefully works WITH your FT to get you two working together again...
If you want my advice
1. Tell him he is NOT welcome in the new house for at LEAST three months 2. He has o go to FT for thsoe three months - your FT will decide if it should be you two together or just private sessions, but that's it... He doens't see you for three months, he sees the FT 3. He agrees to FULL TRANSPARENCY of all info.. phone, computer, etc... He hides NOTHING and if you want to SEE anything he HAPPILY surrenders it because you are protecting the BOTH of you 4. A letter is written and signed by the BOTH of you to OW to GET LOST and NEVER attempt to contact your H again EVER 5. Phone numbers, email addresses, facebook accounts etc are all CLOSED and new ones are generated (I know there's a cost, but such is the price he has to pay)
For THREE MONTHS he goes to FT and lives with his mother still under protection phase until the FT agrees he's ready to make a commitment again
YOu don't decide when he's ready, but I say he should work with FT for AT LEAST three months and a NEW IC... for THREE MONTHS
Do NOT just let him back into the marriage... He shoudl have to work on his OWN with a FT for at LEAST three months... and you can monitor him and that PC over those three months... in private... to see if his commitment is sincere...
Honeslty, you also need to read Seanna's thread... she's in teh same/similar situation...
1. Tell him he is NOT welcome in the new house for at LEAST three months 2. He has o go to FT for thsoe three months - your FT will decide if it should be you two together or just private sessions, but that's it... He doens't see you for three months, he sees the FT 3. He agrees to FULL TRANSPARENCY of all info.. phone, computer, etc... He hides NOTHING and if you want to SEE anything he HAPPILY surrenders it because you are protecting the BOTH of you 4. A letter is written and signed by the BOTH of you to OW to GET LOST and NEVER attempt to contact your H again EVER 5. Phone numbers, email addresses, facebook accounts etc are all CLOSED and new ones are generated (I know there's a cost, but such is the price he has to pay)
For THREE MONTHS he goes to FT and lives with his mother still under protection phase until the FT agrees he's ready to make a commitment again
YOu don't decide when he's ready, but I say he should work with FT for AT LEAST three months and a NEW IC... for THREE MONTHS
This is the kind of thing I need to know. I haven't been physical with him in any way, but I am having contact with him regarding logistics with DD and finances. I am applying for aid till I can get a job, and am finishing up application for that tomorrow. H knows he has to sign over SSI payments for DD to me and that I am NOT stopping that process no matter what.
I know he is acting like he's caved in this quickly mostly for DD because of the arrangements I am making that he basically doesn't have much room to fight me over. I DO know he has told OW the same thing he told me through other sources about wanting space and not knowing what he wants... so regardless of OUR situation I know he threw a monkey wrench into things for HER so I'm a little worried about what will happen when she starts in on him.
During that in person meeting, I got him to agree that IC should have had no conversations with him regarding relationships. He finally figured out on his own (I wonder who looked it up for him) that there were only two licensed FTs in the area and he didn't know anything about either one and didn't want to go. I said as soon as I can pay, I'm going no matter what he does, but when I asked what his plan is for learning how to delve back into our relationship without a FT since he was so dead set on not going.....he didn't have an answer...
I agree with changing contact info. And I was thinking one month on the house, but three is definitely a good idea...
I'll be reading the link you posted.
I really can't wait to get out of town this weekend. Noone will be asking questions and I can just enjoy the weekend with DD without even thinking about this mess.
Wanted to add - I don't have any anyone I can use as a third party to block all contact. It's not that I don't trust them to do what they say, I don't trust them to not enable H in any way. I know contact will make this more difficult, but I truly feel I don't have anyone I can put into that position.
Last edited by elvencat; 07/01/1010:21 PM.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
His sister won't be intermediary for you? Everyone is afraid of him?
Wow
And ya, THREE months at least... This is like school here, he needs some education and practice on being an adult... And he can't do that if he's living with you... Delayed gratification is the test here...
If he told OW to not contact him you can keep an eye on the PC to make sure he keeps to that, but I bet my retirement plan he won't...
If no one will work with you and him then stick to emails, do NOT talk to him in person...
Asking for "space" is a classic move... It means he wants to cake eat and wants you to agree to it... Tell him no... He's had enough time to think on this and you are moving forward... He' wasted too much of your time as it is...
Get separation orders put together and make sure he knows you are doing it... start the train moving so he knows he cant' just string you along anymore... If he knows there's a clock ticking on him he will do somethign, if he thinks you are just sitting at the new house waiting on him he will take his sweet time...
Write down the minimum requirements for him to meet and send them in email numbered and very clear
a. End the affair b. End all contact - both directions c. Transparent communication info d. Mandatory family therapy attendance for at least three months e. Change IC's f. Living separate from you for at least three months g. No contact letter is sent in print to OW home in the mail and is read and signed by both of you... it is printed and signed by both of you, stamped and mailed by him and registered so you know he sent it h. Change all contact info and internet accounts (facebook etc) i. Follow family therapy instructions to the letter without dispute
etc... He needs to see that..
You really need that three months so he tastes the distance... hopefully you read protection.pdf I hand out so you have those details
Don't let him string this along... Every spouse asks for "space" when you confront them like this... It's a smoke screen and they all try it... every... single... one
The FT is like a class on how to be a married person... Right now he does not have that education... you are getting a lot of it here, but there's more you can read of course...
He needs at LEAST three months of education learning this stuff on his OWN to prove to you he's committed to this... If he just agrees to it and you let him right back into the marriage he gets a free pass...
If you want to trust his renewed commitment he has to EARN it... Three months at home with no contact from you while HE is learning how to be an adult through a FT is a mild thing to ask of someone... He gets off EASY with that...
I choose three months because it will take at least three months for the withdrawal to pass... In that three months is his biggest test to avoid OW...
If he can't make three months how can he commit to a lifetime with you...
If he breaks NC during that three months he keeps going to FT and starts back at zero again...
Until he's had 3 months NC he lives ALONE...
Also...
j. He has to agree to a STD test. If you have slept with him since he's been with her then you need one too.
Get separation orders put together and make sure he knows you are doing it... start the train moving so he knows he cant' just string you along anymore...
Got the temp separation agreement sent to him two days ago, which is why we're talking logistics. Now I just have to get to a lawyer to talk about things and see what I need to do.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I choose three months because it will take at least three months for the withdrawal to pass... In that three months is his biggest test to avoid OW...
Can see what you mean about the withdrawal.
And they aren't afraid of him so much as afraid they'll cause him to permanently hold a grudge and then they will 'lose' him. Haven't gotten anyone convinced otherwise yet.
Don't have much time now, so I'll have to comment more later.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Can't say anything but you got it right Allen.... Checked logs tonight... he's telling her he's planning on going to her house to spend the weekend while DD and I are out of town. I think he's gonna use it like a "trial run" to see what living with her is like. BS! it's not the same thing as a marriage...sooo...... I'll talk more later when I have a chance.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
