Irish, how are you doing? I havent had time to read over your posts from this past week, but just had some thoughts.
First of all, you will find that threads sometimes go off in crazy directions for a bit. It's a good thing.
Second, yes, the tears do stop - I promise you.
Third, you are still thinking waaaayyyy too much about what h might have felt or didnt feel or was thinking or wasnt thinking. Here's the thing - we dont really know the answer to all that because it's their thoughts, their feelings.
Be careful not to get caught up in all that. And also be careful not to place too much blame at your feet. Own your parts - let him own his. Then, when you have it all figured out in your head, let it go. That's when you start to get going on the real changes you want and need to make - for you.
One month before my bomb, h wrote me that he wants to make me happier than I have ever been, that he loves me more than anything in this world. Who knows what or why they are thinking?
So trying to figure out who your real husband is, the one who wrote the card, the one you see now, the one from ten years ago, is gonna make you crazy.
And really, it doesnt matter. You have decided to stand. It doing so, you have made a committment to take this journey.
So, keep walking. Worry not about what he thinks, who he is, why he is doing this. Just get to gettin on what you want to change about you. Figure out what makes you happy. Stop trying to get inside his head and get inside yours. Find your touchstone.
Brooklyn, Thanks so much - this was a much needed post! My oldest D came in today for the first time since H left. She has been wonderful! I have actually been able to cry and break down and she is now at an age that she has a maturity to handle it. She has a great fresh perspective on everything! It's been great for my S as well! Tomorrow my middle D comes home and I will have all of the kids at home! Thrilled!
H is now living out of his car - no place to go. He has taken another part time job - so at 47 he is working 5pm - 9:30pm and then 10pm-6am so that he can afford to rent a place on his own. BTW - we both have good careers and make good $. We have typical amount of debt from raising kids and paying for them to have a ton of experiences and opportunities. Vacations, memory makings, etc.
The bottom line is the kids see us as a family unit who have had this amazing life - and they can't figure out what has happened to their dad. It should be an interesting weekend. I am staying out of their way when they are with H.
Have a great weekend!
PS - I don't mean to pry - but are you still separated / no divorce? Do you still have contact at all with H?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Tough couple of days. H almost seems manic - he has now gotten a couple of additional part-time jobs so that he works from 5pm-9:30pm and then from 10pm-6am (he is in education and has summers off) So he moved out of the hotel of the week and is basically living out of his car. All the kids are in - they were worried - I was worried so I texted H and said: No reply needed. If you need a place to sleep after your shift there is an empty bed upstairs. No strings attached. So we wake up this morning and he is asleep upstairs. We go about our business - I am about ready to go swim with S when out H comes with his little shaving kit and gets in his trunk for his clothes. Out falls soft drinks, plastic cups, plates, etc. Basically he's living out of his car. He says until he gets through this phase and his finances improve he's going to be trying to live places for little to no rent. WTH???? I was so stunned - and hurt that this is preferable to living with me. I finally told SIL that H had left and she felt horrible and said that she was going to call him and invite him to come stay with them. I also contacted our counselors just for advice and they both indicated that H appears to be getting worse. Basically they had the same advice this board has - protect yourself and your kids. I have actually done better with some GAL activities - gone out to dinner a couple of times, etc. H still sends random texts / letting me know where he is, what he's doing, etc. All the kids are in this weekend and I am going to enjoy time with them. They want to meet with their dad without me. H asks why - and I tell him that I don't think they are comfortable asking all their questions in front of me. He says - well are we going to do something altogether? I answer that I will be open to whatever the kids want to do. I have no idea what I am doing / my oldest D tells me to just take some breathing space - no self help books, etc. I am going to try to take that advice.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
He says until he gets through this phase and his finances improve he's going to be trying to live places for little to no rent. WTH????
My H rents a room. I know you are worried. Take it in small steps , but he's a big boy and he can take care of himself. Learn to let it go. He's making choices for himself.
I'm glad you'll be able to spend time with all the kids this weekend. That will be nice for you.
Your oldest sounds pretty smart. If you can manage some down time without distractions, maybe you can get a little clarity. This is early for you and things came to me in small doses.
Try not to be stunned as to what he's willing to do. You have no control over it. I know it adds to the hurt, but you need to work on not having any expectations.
Just got back from dinner with the kids. H calls and says that he is now going to be staying with a friend (younger) until he can get on his feet financially. Says the kids are ok with him joining us for dinner if it's ok with me. So I say sure. Have decent dinner / kids begin to leave / I get my things to leave after I pay bill. H tries to follow me to the car - says I wanna give you some money for dinner but I didn't want to do it in front of the kids. I said not necessary. He says do we have anything else to talk about - I say I don't think so. He says ok and walks away. I leave and cry the whole way home. This cannot really be my life! (just venting - I know it is)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
H tries to follow me to the car - says I wanna give you some money for dinner but I didn't want to do it in front of the kids. I said not necessary. He says do we have anything else to talk about - I say I don't think so. He says ok and walks away. I leave and cry the whole way home. This cannot really be my life! (just venting - I know it is)
I think you did very well, considering. Maybe next time he invites himself, let him pay for it since you paid last time.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/03/1002:34 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I leave and cry the whole way home. This cannot really be my life! (just venting - I know it is)
Irish,
What you experienced is actually a good thing. You are not holding your feelings in when you are in private. That is very important.
I like the way you handled the dinner arrangments and left it up to the kids. (I know, they really aren't kids anymore are they?) Sort of took the pressure off of both you and H.
I am sorry to hear that he has been living in the car. While my H is still in the house, he really considered renting a room somewhere. A room, that is all. Now he stays with a friend several nights a week. Honestly, most days, it feels like he rents a room here as well. Very little interest in being in any other part of the house.
I know it doesn't seem logical. And it isn't. Nothing about MLC is. But in their own way, not being around us, although is their running, in their minds is also them helping us. Because not only have they convinced themselves that they will be happier this way, but because they feel that they are no longer hurting us if they are not there. Makes no sense but it is what it is...
What you are seeing in him right now is painful to watch, but I promise you, if you had to live with it everyday, it would be more painful. I would not wish an at home MLCer on anyone. It is harder on the LBS and the MLCer. Seeing the pain that they experience as they move through this process, well as you do see it, you will understand.
Your D is also right. Take a short break from the self help stuff and just live. Those breaks, will take your brain off of overload and allow you time to actually process what you are seeing, feeling, experiencing, and reading. Answers will come to you when you least expect it, washing dishes, sitting on the toilet thinking about nothing, when you wake up in the morning. We too have our own moments of clarity. If we can remember them, eventually, it all just sort of makes sense.
Have a great holiday!
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
in their minds is also them helping us. Because not only have they convinced themselves that they will be happier this way, but because they feel that they are no longer hurting us if they are not there. Makes no sense but it is what it is...
This is very insightful. I get this from my W.
Of course she doesn't tell me this.
It is between the lines.
There is extreme guilt with them.
IMO also may be ashamed of their behavior.
It is also that they resent us too for being the stronger one?
Don't try to interpret his behavior and decisions too much.
Just know that what they are doing they are doing to themselves.
Not to us.
So this:
Originally Posted By: irish
I was so stunned - and hurt that this is preferable to living with me.
Will be less and less on your mind when you have detached from the situation.
Otherwise you will continue to be a victim of his choices...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
