The BEST weapon though is the truth... if you can get yoru H recorded voice inviting you to go swimming with him and then expose that to OW
To <insert OW's name here>
<insert H's name here> invited me to get a new bikini and go swimming with him... In the future please keep this cheating husband away from me... Can't you keep this guy on a leash? If I were you I would get myself tested, I am starting to wonder where else this man has been...
Ok some exposure updating: I have talked to one of his family members and while my main reason to contact this person was to apologize for some of my past behavior with the family where I was very distant and uncaring, this family member contacted me back saying what he was doing was just beyond horrible and that I needed to find a person who would treat me better. I was really surprised to hear that. Well my H is now FURIOUS at me, called me up screaming, I hung up on him. I had communicated to him earlier that it wasn't my job to keep this secret for him and that it would get out. In fact, I said if you and she are so proud of what you're doing, go tell everyone instead of hiding behind closed doors.
So then after I hung up he emailed saying "NOW I've had it. You're trying to influence me, it is OVER THE LINE to contact any member of my family when I'm trying to repair relationships with them, I'm' not contacting your friends or family to make them take sides, you should not be doing it either. I've owned up to what I did but your accusations are out of control and stop what you're doing RIGHT NOW."
So is that the reaction I want? It's kind of scary. I have a hard time seeing how this works in my favor, but you guys are the experts on this stuff, so what do I know ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Yup... I know its scary, but remmeber its the addiction talking...
THe LINE that was crossed was the truth... you did the right thing... We warned you it could get nasty...
And the SIDE you are on is the side of the marriage rather than the side of infidleity/divorce... You are simply inviting the REST of his family to take an honest side FULLY informed...
DOn't contact him or listen to his rants for at least three days while he cools down...
Follow up with your family whom you exposed to.. keep them up to date.. this is a family matter and they deserve to be kept in the know...
And prepare for your WS to run damage control and spread more lies...
Move all finances to a safe place as well...
Try to have a friend or family member in the know with you at all times.. if your H shows up at yoru door you want someone there running itnerference who will send him away...
Don't reply. Next time he says those things to you in person, you only have one or two responses:
"Everything I've done, I've done to fight for our marriage and our family."
"I decided that I was no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."
If he says something about contacting YOUR family, calmly say "Knock yourself out -- I have no secrets from them. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you about your behavior."
If he comes to your door don't answer... better yet, don't be there... You aren't avoding him, you are giving the addiction time to process the exposure... he will calmn down in a few days and then he will contact everyone you did and run damage control... and he may end up exposing himself to a few people you had'nt because he doen'st even know who you exposed to right?
Ok he did talk to me on the phone, much calmed down, but still said he did not understand why I would expose to anyone. I said the two lines above, "Everything I've done, I've done to fight..." and "I'm not willing to lie to cover up your affair." He still turned it on me saying that yes he'd done something truly awful to me, but he had owned it, but now I was trying to smear him and the OW, and that was just as bad. I said that was ludicrous, that he smeared himself with his own behavior. At some point he did say "I have not contacted any of YOUR family or friends to try to get them to choose sides" and I said "I didn't try to get anyone to choose a side, it's just that people don't side with those who commit infidelity." I also said "go right ahead and contact them, I have nothing to hide."
So we pretty much left it at that. I am not contacting him any more. I'm sure he'll stew for a few days.
As far as who I've told, he knows who our mutual friends are and my own friends, so he is assuming I've told them. What he's also assuming (incorrectly) is that I've told some of his coworkers or FOUND people who could tell them for me, and that truly has not happened. Someone HE told has spread the rumors, not me, but it's of course easier to blame me than blame a friend of his whom he thinks is trustworthy. We live in a small county, everyone knows everyone, and it's entirely possible that someone at the lawyer's or the different banks or other public places I've been to has overheard something. Or that one of his coworkers spread it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Can I get some clarification on why this is supposed to work? This seems to be driving him to hate me and cushy up to the OW more. He's all protective of HER and not wanting HER to be hurt, and keeps saying that I will have exposure "on my soul" and that he won't have anything on his because he "came clean to me and then moved out" (of course he has made no move to file for divorce or anything, and that sort of presumes on his part that since he moved out that what he is doing is perfectly ok). I had asked at some point why he had to take it to this level, why he didn't have the courage to end things with me before he went to the degree of infidelity, and why up to the day before he left he was still telling me how everything was wonderful and making plans for the future, and know what he said? "Stockholm Syndrome." When I asked why he did this to me overall, he said "I didn't do it TO YOU, I did this FOR MYSELF."
Seriously, based on the picture of him you have till now and these comments, is this person too far gone to ever come back? Cause at times I think he's playing a script and like everyone else who goes through this, and at other times I think he's really off the deep end, not on a script, and he's never going to see that he did something wrong and never attempt reconciliation. What do you think?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
and keeps saying that I will have exposure "on my soul"
I don't know what your beliefs are, but ... I think most people from all the major religions would be fine knowing they stood up for themselves and told the truth.
The key is that you aren't doing things to be nasty (which is probably all he sees in his screwed up value system). Maintain your principles. Somethings are just right, and some things are just wrong.
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he won't have anything on his because he "came clean to me and then moved out"
Hahahaha. Yeah, heard that before. Also got tons of long and desperate sounding emails (guilt(.
Stop asking him why HE HAS A CHARACTER FLAW.
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is this person too far gone to ever come back?
Don't know, but a better question is will you really ever want them back?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
