reviewed my thread today. i have failed miserably at my task. i've never failed before. not even in school.
checkpoint. know what triggers your meltdowns - when someone who doesn't know, asks me how things are going with h. the fix - "i would prefer not to discuss it because it causes me to relive that painful part of my past. i cannot heal that way." that statement worked. in the past, i would vent. so i tried something different.
i spent time away from squash - mom came for a visit. had a great time. she attended my baking class the other day as well. the teacher said i did very well on my assignment.
i do want some help from my mentors out there. since the bottom fell out of my m, it's been all about me. i have forgotten about everyone else except for myself. it has been pointed out to me twice already. i didn't send out any cards to anybody this year. not for mother's day, or birthdays.
i am being asked to move home. to forget about this and go home. i am resisting. i don't want to go home. i don't want to face anybody. going home would mean having no life. the problem with staying is that detaching is harder. being in different cities would make it easier. but being away would mean leaving this for good.
his actions alone have made many ask me why i want to continue to be with him. he's a petty child.
i know that db-ing is going to be the hardest thing for me to do. i am feeling it now. it is hard because i keep falling back into the toilet bowl. just when i think i'm doing okay, i fall back in.
i know it's not a sprint but a marathon. i don't know if i have it in me to finish the marathon.
how do you sort out your emotions at this point and move on with your life without everyone telling you that you're making decisions based on emotion? i don't want to wake up 5 yrs down the road and then ask myself "what do i want to do today?"
you have to say .. ok, it's just me now. let's do what's best for me.
