How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[amg2]

Hello. Can others suggest to me a way to "not" invite my H to a family function without appearing to be "mean spirited". My reasoning is that he continues to have secrets (I don't know what they are), I'm preparing to disclose to my family after this event, and don't see a need for us to spend time with our families as if things are ok, when he's not in counseling or working on our M.

THANK YOU

[cat04]

AMG,

I would say if you don't want him there, you simply don't invite him. Don't mention it at all. It really is that simple.

I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear but it really is the answer. If he asks about it, then you can just say something to the effect of "we are separated".

I wouldn't say any more than that.

Good luck.

[amg2]

Just confirming...this is a yearly event that he knows about. He's invited me to his family. I told him thanks but I already had plans. I'm sure he's already seeing this as "mean spirited". I wish we were in a place where spending time on holidays with families was the thing to do, but with continued secrets and no counseling on his part after nearly 5 months, I don't feel that it is.

Thank you again

[amg2]

Sooooo, it's been a while since I posted here. Nothing is really new. My H is in full on MLC. No progress in any direction. I don't follow up on him so don't know if he's seeing anyone or not. I'm really feeling "done". Can others out there advise how to recognize when you're really done? I guess this is a pretty vague question but hoping others out there who've been where (I think) I am might be able to comment.

THANKS

[irishblessings]

amg -

I have wondered the same thing myself. I will have a "flash" of WTF am I doing standing after all that he has done to me and to our family. But then I think it comes down to what do YOU believe about your vows, your marriage, your commitment? If you believe in for better/worse, etc. then you buckle in for the long, painful haul and recognize that that's who YOU are. If you have defined your boundaries of better/worse and you/he has surpassed them - then you move on. I don't think anyone here can judge one way or another - it's your understanding of who you are.

IB

[amg2]

Well I'm not trying to push this onto anyone else, but personally I believe I will one day face God and need to be able to look Him in the eye for the way I handle this. I'm a religous person, but I wouldn't call myself fanatical or extreme. It's just that I stood in a church and took vows and meant them. As a matter of fact, 3 years ago after two of H's infidelities, we stood in a church again and renewed our vows.

But, I also know that life is short and I'm in an incredibly negative situation that doesn't seem to be getting better. And I'm not even sure I can imagine any way it would get better. Sometimes I think that since H so severely violated our vows, so many times, and isn't healthy and doesn't seem to WANT to get better, that I have a right to leave. Like any illness that a person might refuse to treat: alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illnes, etc.

I've never been what I'd call "standing". More like "hanging around". And I'm feeling pretty fed up with that. I MIGHT want to be free to pursue who/what I want. And that certainly includes a healthy relationship w a healthy person. I no longer NEED any relationship. But I've made tons of progress on myself and would like to have a relationship with a "man", instead of the non-relationship I seem to have with my husband who acts and now dresses like a "boy". I have very little respect for him.

I just wish I knew how to tell if I'm really done or just going through a phase.

[Truegritter]

Amg

It is funny you should raise this question.

It has been a topic of much interest lately. Check out my thread over the past few days "A man in full"

Also Missherlove's thread.

that I have a right to leave.

Yes you do.

What is keeping you?

[amg2]

TG your thread is amazing. I am probably also "not done but have moved a considerable distance." I am feeling things I never thought I would, both about myself and my H. The man I loved no longer exists. Neither does the woman he was M to for so long. I'll never be "at peace" with a decision to move on. I'll never think it "was right". But that doesn't mean it won't BE anyway. And if that's so then I accept it fully. I'm not a victim. I realize I'm stronger than ever and that this experience has benefitted me more than it's hurt me (finally).

But part of honoring yourself is realizing you can't control the actions of others. I don't even like the person my H has turned into. He doesn't know who he is any more than I do. I don't think the possibility of ME ending this REALLY exists in his mind. Not after all these years. And trials. And tribulations. Where I stood strong and rarely flinched.

But now, finally, in months yet an instant, my feelings have really changed. Forever. And I can't believe what I'm feeling any more than I can believe what he's done. They're equally disturbing. And maybe I just want off of this hellride. Maybe I'm scared that I mean it.

Or maybe I'll be back here tomorrow asking for advice of how to best play his childish game. But I hope not. I think I'd rather leave.

Thank you for listening and helping. I know I'm here asking a question only I can answer.

[amg2]

Also TG you asked what is keeping me...I'm not sure anything is. Maybe that's why I'm asking these questions. The ONLY things remotely stopping me are 1) my marriage vows and 2) distant memories of a man I really liked AND loved, who no longer exists.

[Truegritter]

The man I loved no longer exists.

If he is MLC I would add "right now" to the end of this.

You know I remember when I first came here and reading Jackthreebeans saying that the M that reconciled were because the LBS outlasted the MLC.

I don't know if I can do that either.

We'll see.

I'm not a victim. I realize I'm stronger than ever and that this experience has benefitted me more than it's hurt me (finally).

I like this Amg.

That is definitely one of the hurdles to jump over to making a healthy decision IMO.

The best advice I have heard was posted by Cat on my thread.

If there is any doubt. Any at all.

You're not done.

You sound good.

Good for you.