The difference between those workers and you was that those who could make it to an escape craft did it without hesitation. Those who couldn't, were left with a choice between staying on the burning rig or jumping into the open sea; neither environment gave them much chance of survival.
You aren't facing that choice. Your choice is among fixing the marriage, accepting the status quo, or leaving to live your life without the marriage. You think you're stuck, but you're not.
I realize that I am using a very technical analogy (it happens to be an area of knowledge and expertise on my part), but I was not referring tho the time AFTER the explosion but the period approximately 5 minutes and 44 seconds before the explosion and fire. That is when the data indicates that they realized that something very serious was happening down below them and they executed the emergency disconnect procedures.
And nothing worked.
They did not jump into the lifeboats or off the platform to the water about 100 feet below. That did occur after the explosion but not before. No, they stayed, trying to save the rig and all hands onboard. But they had to know they were "stuck." And, up to the last minute, things were progressively getting worse. It could be that they (the 11 men who died) were overcome by the gas cloud and were unconscious by the time the explosion occurred.
But from the POV of an analogy, they had the choice of trying to "fix it" or "bail-out" knowing that they were stuck (both physically and from personal/professional commitment). While most survived, eleven did not. But it is that sense or feeling of "being stuck" (by commitment) that I refer to and struggle with these days.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
That's not a choice I would make for myself, thanks.
Well, it was not a choice I made for myself. It was the outcome of another choice...when I immediately did not walk away the moment the sexual issues arose.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
And, every day, you continue to make the same choice. Which, obviously, is in response to your own issues. But I wish you could believe that lots of men and women are actually making different choices, to expand, transform, re-imagine and revitalize their lives (which of course includes their sex lives).
Either way, Captain, the analogy fails. You are not stuck. You are choosing the status quo for reasons of your own. If you made a different choice, you could get a different result.
While the analogy may fail for you and you can say that "it fails," your saying it does not change how it occurs for me nor does your failure make it so for every other person on the planet who reads this.
There is no other choice that can be made that is consistent with who I say I am and that is the predicament. And no one has come up with a choice that gives a path out.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
There is no other choice that can be made that is consistent with who I say I am and that is the predicament.
Why must "who you are" be static? Should you really hold on to the arbitrary expectations you place on yourself at 20, when you're 40, just ..... just because? Why?
Surely as we mature, and learn to reflect on ourselves and our lives we have the opportunity, some would say an obligation, to be flexible enough to change ourselves when it's necessary for our continued growth.
Is it possible, that you promised your current wife you wouldn’t threaten to leave because at that time the wounds from your first marriage were pretty raw and perhaps you were overly empathetic to how it would feel to her if you left her? Is it possible, that the man you are now might not have made that commitment?
I get the promise thing. I do. I get that your word is fundamental to who you are. I guess in every other area of your life, every day, every interaction you honour those values. Does breaking one commitment, when all your others are in tact, detract from who you are? Sometimes the exception proves the rule.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I get the promise thing. I do. I get that your word is fundamental to who you are. I guess in every other area of your life, every day, every interaction you honour those values. Does breaking one commitment, when all your others are in tact, detract from who you are? Sometimes the exception proves the rule.
Interesting, since vows are a promise. Are you suggesting it's okay to break both his promises -- to not be unfaithful and to not threaten divorce -- or just the threatening one?
Since my husband thinks it's "just sex" and not that important, then, theoretically, it shouldn't be important to him if I have "just sex" with someone else. The rest of our marriage is fairly tolerable, and there are a lot of reasons to stay, just this one "little" issue. I'm a good wife in all the other categories. Yet I think forsaking that one promise of fidelity would, indeed, detract from who I am (or, perhaps, thought I was), redefining it to a large degree.
Don't most marriage vows/contracts still include the promise "to have and to hold, forsaking all others," and some decorous wording about giving your body to the other? If they do, then the partner who refuses to give sex has already broken the contract.
I don't think Walking is suggesting that Earl Gray should break both his promises; rather, that the fact his partner hasn't kept her part of their bargain means that their contract can be dissolved/renegotiated without dishonour to him. If I signed a contract with my boss that left us both responsible for numerous responsibilities for a period of 10 years, and he routinely broke/ignored every clause--wouldn't I be within my rights to look for another job after a year, without being viewed as a rogue employee?
I am new to DB and have been reading about your situation. I would say this, you are looking to be a man of honor, one who wants to be true to himself, a rarity but a good thing to be. If you can find no other way to fix this problem, or to walk away from it, a "man of honor" isn't such a bad thing. I am sad that you are in this situation, but only YOU can decide what works for you and no one who posts will be effected. So if you decide to stay, rather than to walk away and HOPE your next relationship will be better, then that is what you will need to learn to live with. Clearly, you have thought this through from every angle. Do what you KNOW you can live with. Just remember to take care of YOU, find ways to be happy with yourself and enjoy each little victory that comes out of your R. While I read through every post, this is what I took from yours and believe that "honor and integrity" is who you are. Good luck! PS Trauma and hormones are a nasty combination, life altering. Trust me, I know. Not saying your W behavior is okay, but I totally understand where you (and she) are coming from. Miracles do happen, but would not want to rely on it.
