Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks CTH. As I wrote elsewhere I really don't know how else to interact. I feel angry (mostly because I feel helpless that I can't fix this and I've been a fixer my whole life) and I can't hold it all inside for too long. Especially when she was going through the house asking for things and I kept saying 'sure' 'fine' 'go ahead' - at what point do I put my foot down and say 'no dammit, if you wanted out then go, leave and buy your own sh*t'.

This morning she sends an email saying she forgot x,y,z and attaches a list of more things she wants. But she started with a Hi - which if I know her tells me she knows that I was upset and this is her way of showing me she's a nicer, sympathetic person when I know she knows that it's only for show and she still has control over me and I'm still heart broken over her etc. This is why I was upset at myself that I let her see she can still pull my strings and whenever we're face to face those pent up feelings come rocketing out no matter how cool, calm and confident I try to act via emails.

I was doing so darn well too since I last saw her in court a couple of months ago and now I'm in the trenches. When the house wasn't bothering me now that she associated her label with lots of things she wants its making me imagine a house without those things. So the house is bothering me a bit. I'm also concerned that if I kept a few of those things they'll remind me of her. Why do I care about her still? why after all that's happened some part of me still wants her back when I know I can't trust her and she can leave again whenever it suits her. Why can't I just move on. I struggled with myself yesterday to not hug her as she stood around for a few seconds after saying bye. Why am I so pathetic that I feel I need her.

OK I'm done pouring my heart out for now...I guess there are no answers.